Author Topic: 2000 light years from home  (Read 3655 times)

ThereIsOnlyOne

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 142
    • View Profile
2000 light years from home
« on: September 16, 2017, 03:25:14 am »
I came across your first book some years ago and it immediately struck a chord. Disconcerting, sure, but it laid bare the implications of embarking on the journey and I found that helpful and honest.

I appear to be in a process which has its own momentum; I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. There are regular feelings of anxiety and inability to associate with other people on a typical human level. Although I greatly prefer my own company, that doesn't stop interaction and I go about my business using feelings as opportunities for enquiry.

In terms of my current co-ordinates, I have become very conscious of a perceived me laying in awareness which seems to obfuscate what is experienced, the characteristics of which I would describe as a bundle of feelings associated with vague images of a physical self. I remain attached to that mental morass but continue to prod and poke and test and question.

I have become very aware, too, of the dreams and stories which play out in others. They are easier to observe. I am finding that the insidious need to be right acts as the main life support for my story. It's a slippery and sneaky thing which requires all my attention to watch its true nature. I use what I'd best describe as honesty as a means of removing the personal justifications (its food) and allow it to be challenged.

Physically, my body is becoming more vague with a looser apparent boundary. Feelings and sensations, including pain, seem to arise and be there rather than attributed to any absolute location in my body. Curiously, as intellectually I know it not to be real, the reflection in a mirror still has the effect of re-inforcing bodily identification.

As I see the challenge(s), ultimately there's not much to do but my apparent difficuly lies in sharpening attention and turning the finger to point in the opposite direction.

No questions, no mystical experiences and no lurking. Just pushing a pin into the map.

Word count 342. Sorry.
« Last Edit: September 16, 2017, 04:47:07 pm by ThereIsOnlyOne »

Social Buttons


Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11772
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2017, 12:48:07 am »
Dear TIOO:

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing a slice of you.

As you stated, the 'the process has it's own momentum'. Glad to hear that... so, just let it all flow.

Love ya, Jed.

ThereIsOnlyOne

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 142
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2017, 03:19:51 am »
Perfect.

Thank you.

ThereIsOnlyOne

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 142
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2017, 01:49:20 am »
Post It Note.

Yesterday I started to realised that true surrender will require everything to go. There is no getting around this and choosing bits which can remain. It's all or nothing. I noticed my mind projecting future events and uncomfortable feelings, trying to distract me to avoid further contemplation. It feels scary. I need to persist and sit in this as completely as I can.

I noticed 'pretend' is a powerful word, it makes me feel like the fraud and child I've always sensed myself to be.

I need to make sure writing here doesn't become a trap and distract me, otherwise this is pointless. I need to be vigilant.

No questions. I need to remain honest.

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11772
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2017, 02:04:03 am »
If writing here helps you stay vigilant, then write away. You sound like you have a pretty good handle on things, at least as good as such handling can be.

Love ya, Jed.

ThereIsOnlyOne

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 142
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2017, 09:02:12 am »
Thank you, it seems to give a focus and a point of reference.

Post It Note #2

Today the thought 'thoughts are a distraction' came to my mind. I laughed and I gave myself a mental pat on the back, congratulating myself for immediately noticing its ridiculousness in the context of what I'm doing. "Aren't I clever?" - I noted the sleight of hand.

Believing thought is dreaming and a self-indulgent pat on the back perpetuates it and reinforces identity. I have to understand that, absolutely, until it is observed without effort. I have to watch attentively or there will be no separation and I will go nowhere. Who is watching?

Observation: It's been 2 over weeks since I started to rid myself of the need for sex. I've realised how it had been acting as a complex constant in the background, a needy part of my identity trying to satisfy itself, a crutch providing 'pleasure' and 'comfort' which I could always fall back on. I had  avoided the confrontation, made excuses and not been honest. Remove the comfort blanket. It's one less and rather large distraction if I can continue without it.  I need to become aware of anything else which falls into this category. I have more energy and frankly it's more comfortable with the blanket off - this has been remarkably easy.
« Last Edit: September 18, 2017, 09:10:07 am by ThereIsOnlyOne »

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11772
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2017, 01:18:01 am »
All good realizations... now don't let up on those post-it notes.

Love ya, Jed.


ThereIsOnlyOne

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 142
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2017, 02:08:54 am »
Thank you. I could write more than one per day here but maybe that's a distraction in itself. I am making notes now anyway.

Post It Note #3

Me is a better word than I, it seems to be more authentic and I identify less with it but it still represents the essence of what I am. I am finding the right word to use, if there must be a description of something, is critical. It has to have power otherwise it's useless.

Observation: As I do this, I realise how much of a 'sin' pride is. Thank you for testing me even if you're not. I must watch it carefully and not let it fool me as any sort of progress.

Reminder:

Do with observing
Observe with sensing what is observing
Sense without judging and attaching
Watch what is happening without a description
Let everything happen without resistance and relax
All at the same time, always

The sensing is me. Let it come and exist in it. Feel it.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2017, 02:18:39 am by ThereIsOnlyOne »

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11772
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #8 on: September 19, 2017, 02:41:05 am »
I, me, etc... how about ''this''?

Love ya, Jed.

ThereIsOnlyOne

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 142
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2017, 02:58:09 am »
I briefly felt the need to defend my choice of word. I will contemplate the word 'this' as it is without inherent attributes. Once a fuller sense of who I am can be realised, any word will become redundant; experience rather than label. For now, it seems to be required. Thank you.

Post It Note #4

Observation: I realised the concept of progress is in the mind. There's no such thing as progress, its a mental image of comparison. Tracking progress is a distraction. If true progress could be described, it would be as realisation, which in itself is the antithesis of progress.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2017, 03:01:53 am by ThereIsOnlyOne »

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11772
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2017, 03:18:59 am »
Words, you escape hatch and you jailer. Use and throw them away.

Love ya, Jed.

ThereIsOnlyOne

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 142
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2017, 11:55:13 am »
Thanks for pointing that out. I don't want to remain stuck unnecessarily (although there's a part of me that does, but that's just really stupid).

Post It Note #5

I see myself needing to try really hard at this but sense that's not going to help. The way my thoughts are constructing it is dependant on an outcome. This is hard to rationalise, which seems like a good thing. I can watch the struggle whilst I'm going nowhere.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2017, 12:18:44 pm by ThereIsOnlyOne »

ThereIsOnlyOne

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 142
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2017, 01:27:33 am »
Post It Note #6

I'm noticing small things which I've never stopped to question and observe, just accept and seemingly suffer with; the resistance and anxiety which arises when I look at my email or hear the post being delivered in the morning. I've done a fantastic job of conditioning myself. Pavlov would be proud.

My understanding of surrender has become more profound and real, less intellectual  and more of a knowing and acceptance. The entire perception of myself needs to be brought into view and examined willingly.

Thoughts like 'I have to do this' or 'I need to do that' provide an instant stab of anxiety. I really need to examine those. Do I really have a choice in anything? I'm not sure and need to consider carefully. The perception of control needs to be picked at.

Writing this here as openly and accurately as I can really seems to be productive. I've spent the last 10 years or so avoiding doing something like this. Maybe I've just not been ready until now but that doesn't matter. It's not a game anymore.

Observations: Awaking in the morning seems to licit some kind of reset. It apparently takes some time before I can get back to any degree of clarity so I can really continue. It's a great way of keeping me asleep.

Honesty, as a sense of laying myself bare, seems to be a current weapon of choice.
« Last Edit: September 20, 2017, 01:43:58 am by ThereIsOnlyOne »

ThereIsOnlyOne

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 142
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2017, 02:33:47 am »
Post It Note #7

Much of this stuff which creates anxiety is a consequence of resisting what is. It's all about control.

I am a control freak. What can I control? Seemingly what I interface with. I can choose to pick my cat up if I think about it but then again I pick my cat up when thinking about something else. A sense of free will and control only seems to be there when I think about it. What if thought wasn't there or really understood to be completely illusionary. I guess stuff would just happen. Stuff happens by itself all the time without me thinking about it. I need to investigate this more.

There's so much more I see myself wanting to control entirely outside of my jurisdiction. This is full of anticipation. The anticipation is loaded with 'what if?' which creates a sense of not being in control and a feeling of helplessness which creates discomfort. I absolutely know I can't affect  the outcome of so many things yet this happens all the time. It's ridiculous and extraordinarily stupid.
« Last Edit: September 20, 2017, 03:02:33 am by ThereIsOnlyOne »

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11772
    • View Profile
Re: 2000 light years from home
« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2017, 03:14:28 am »
Are you free willed enough to think and believe that you don't have any free will? Give it a try.

Love ya, Jed.