INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Hello.

This is about autolisis and some troubles. Sometimes it's very hard to practice this and most of the time I feel like all I do is complete nothing. It was easy enough to begin and now I live the life with realising some thinghs for example that I am absolutely alone in my "own" world, that friendship, parents is just about concept etc but...

For some time ago with power of logic I partly realized(mostly on paper) that I am not a human and all the stuff that is related to concept "human" also is not me. Since then I have this strange and indescribable feeling, like fleeting pain or somethin when I walk the street, or when I watch a movie and... That almost all. Also sometimes I have interesting insights.

The trouble is that I feel like I am doing something wrong and all I have got in reality is my own stupid mind conceptions which are added to all the spiritual garbage I am carrying. When I write something I use some "philters". Like "The truth is beyond space and time", "universal", "Is not part of something bigger". Also I use "I am %something%" just to cut  "something" from myself off and mark this as "autolised". And... I don't feel most of my work on myself.

Maybe it's all just an empty complaints. Deepest thanks for amazing books, I spent a lot of time with great pleasure. Muito obrigado!

Oh God, what the hell. I am loosing my sleep. Is there a way back from this state. Sometimes it's creepy as hell. I am still here, but I feel like ****. Sometimes it's like my body is not existing anymore. Oh, wait Iol, I remember that some time ago I have realized that my body is not mine, that it's only the part of grand illusion. So that is how it feels. Now I realy feel like I have done something so terrible, that cannot be fixed. And it's realy strange to feel yourself separated from your own identity when it's still somewhere near by, screaming in horror. Like the costume, that doesn't almost fit. Maybe I just need some sleep. Now I feel myself as "myself" again but a hour ago it was something different.
So now my quetions are:
1. Does the process of awakening was unpleasant for you too?
2. How does it feel to be "nothing" was it painfull?
3. It cannot be stoped, is not it?

It cannot be stoped, is not it?
>I don't understand your question.

I am sorry. I mean can I just forget all this enlightment stuff and return to my daily life? Forget about all this "Who am I" writings? Or It will appear again and again in my memory? I know, I am a coward.

Thanks for your answers. I was shocked.

There is a one of "mine" core memories. About suicide attempt in 2012. Those days "I' was learning in a shitty institute. All motivation was lost by the 6th semeter. I didn't want to come back home to the abusive parents, all the thougths was about "We all are going to die. I am going to die. I have no future. I don't even have any wishes or plans for future. So now I realy should to take my own life" Let's bring some drama to this boring life of mine or something like that. Those days I wanted something of the stuff that you can see in the movies when main character dies and goes to the unknown land of death, Or, I thought, if it all will be over and I will be dead forever, so there will be noone to regret about bad decision of murdering myself, about parents, little brother, friends etc.

In 2012 I failed, because thouse attempt was cowardly. Then was a coma - a bad dream full of unspeakable horrors and physical pain. I was so glad that I finaly woke up then. It was till, maybe a one year or a little bit more, before next attempt that was even more stupid. And next, that was a fail too. Then was a relief, then drugs, then some kind of spiritual practice and finaly - your books.

Now in the field of mind it's possible to see, that all about myself is a form of faith. Like a buble made of smaller bubles where you can find some stories, or thougts, ideas. The question "Who am I?" was transformed into somekind of cycle "Who am I -> I am something -> Who is something?" and it's working. It's obvious now that "I am" can not be defined by anything, like human body, idea of the separate human beeing or something else. Even some powerfull ideas like a soul or God is not helpfull. What is a soul, who is
 a soul. Oh, realy, If there is a soul with my memories, and it will be possible to ask a question in this strange form, the first will be "Who I am?" Sometimes there is strange thougts about the world of puppets. Yes, it's interesting most of the time when me(who is this "me"?)  write something, or when I am alone and I can speak to myself about all this soap bubles, but then this feeling is gone again and there is someone speak to my parents, friends with "my" mouth as undefined "me" like nothing is happening. There is stupid ambitions, stupid illusion of life as separate human being, as weak and ugly clown without life in deep depression.

I know it is almost senselessly to ask something, but now something wants to know. Maybe the best way for now is not  the continue of writings about this cycle "Who am I -> I am something -> Who is something?. Maybe the best choice - to jump from the nearest roof? I know, it's stupid to try to kill something that can not be defined. I have that stupid idea "I hate myself" but I don't know who is that "Me" who is hated so much. Maybe I hate all this stupid patterns, this stupid memories about ghost image of a separate person on the planet Earth, maybe it's somekind of emotional instability, maybe something about this weak state of mind - I still can not move somewhere out from this family, "friends", this job. I don't know, realy.

Stupid complaints, again. Is it possible that suicide is the better option(because it is easy and fast), than this road with the phantom hope on truth realisation?

Thank you. Whoever you are.

P.S. Sorry for bad English

Sorry

Story about core memory about suicide attempt
* Reasons for the attempt:  lack of plans, hope, and wishes for the future.
* Attempt was failed, next was failed too
Then was a relief and drugs and some kind of spiritual practice.
Then - your books.

A story about autolysis writings.
* cycle "Who am I -> I am something -> Who is something?" is working
* It's obvious now that "I am" can not be defined by anything, like a human body, idea of the separate human being or something else, like soul, spirit, etc
* In imagination it's an image of a ragdoll "Me" that consists of small "soap bubbles"  that are all just the same - phantom image.

I have the idea "I hate myself" even when I don't know what is "myself" is. Maybe it's hate for the stupid habits, thoughts, images.
Still, can't find some courage to say goodbye for this life.

Thinking about suicide, because it's fast and can be done at any moment. Maybe it's not the bad idea?

Okay, okay got it. Suicide is bad idea because it will make all this painful work pointless, and "I" need to search more for details of imaginary phantom of "myself". Olso it seems pointless to search for any help now.

There is an observer and everything else is observable.

So it's impossible to realy be the separate creature and there is no mine body, or mine personality or separate me. All creatures(humans, animals, maybe some aliens somewhere in far galaxy far away XD) are machines and voices of thoughts is just personalised emotions or something, I don't know. One voice is the concentrated hate for body(it's too fat and ugly), for history of the person(complete looser), one for thinking about T/R and there is depersonalised autolisis thoughts

Now I have a hard feeling of living in few different states of mind, and I still feel one "mine" personality even when I know that it's fake.

I know there is no separate Jed Mckenna also, but maybe there is some advices how to end it all completely?

I think it can be stop now only if the body will die, but something inside is desperatly need something here