INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

       It started innocently enough.  A few questions asked of a Conservative rabbi when I was in high school about why we believed this or that about God.   Not because I felt I personally needed the reasons for what I had already accepted as the “obvious” truths, but because it seemed a “well-educated” college-bound student ought to have some stock answers he could keep in his pocket.   It was stunning that the harder the well-intentioned rabbi tried to assure me and a close friend of mine regarding the existence of God, free will and whatever else we happened to ask about, the more I became convinced I had to figure it all out for myself.  I began to assume it was up to me figure out what the so-called authorities had not bothered to think through.

      College, a B.A. in philosophy, and a big mistake.  The professors seemed to know more than I did about the big questions which I thought I had to solve.  They knew all the arguments on “both” sides, and sides I had not even considered, and I became convinced it had all been figured out already.  I just had to learn what was there.  Big mistake.  A  semester of graduate work in the sterility of analytic philosophy, and I was then swept up and radicalized during what became the Watergate era and left graduate school.  The only important questions were economic and political ones, which we were entirely responsible for.   A 7+ year stint with a political group often described as on the fringe, but who cares which group.    Was married and divorced.  Decided I had had enough of the fringe group I was in, even if it was my fault that my leaving might accelerate global economic and nuclear disaster.
 
     Law school, a J.D., admission to the Bar in 1987, and I am still practicing full-time in a small firm, primarily  representing claimants with work-related injuries.  Along the way I had a wide variety of jobs—wheel-of-fortune operator (on the Asbury Park, NJ boardwalk), shipping/receiving clerk, all night answering service  (before there was voice mail), substitute teacher, railroad agent, epidemiology research assistant, law clerk,  and more.  Married again, now since 1986, with a son who is happily in a post-graduate internship in the field of his choice. 

      Around the mid-90s I came across Tony Robbins and  NLP.  Needed to feel like I was more effective in the world.  Read everything I could about NLP and went to a couple of seminars, listened to a lot of tapes by Richard Bandler.  Then, out of the blue, I received an odd advertisement from a commodity trader who had a spiritual writer he wanted everyone to read.  On a whim, I bought the package which included a book that struck a chord. It stated there was nothing more for me to do, everything was fine as it was, and I just had to get back home and discover who I was.

    This set off my seeker mode, and I started reading book after book: Nisargadatta’s I Am That and the assorted books written or edited by Robert Powell, Ramesh and more Ramesh, Ramana Maharshi, Papaji, Gangaji, J. Krishnamurti, etc.   Ten or so years ago I read Francis Lucille’s book and met him at one of his retreats.  They say there was a big smile on my face after I spoke with him for 5 minutes.  I don’t know why, because he implied I would need to have a guide in order to reach TR.  I had no intention of following any particular individual, but it was a nice discussion. 

   And then I just stopped.  I figured that if Ramesh was right, and there was no doer, and no free will—everything just happens—I might as well not even try-  If it was this body-mind’s destiny to awaken, so be it.  If not, so what?  There was nothing I could do about it.  Spent some time (about 2 years) with Bill Harris’s Holosync CDs, the lazy person’s way to meditate.  Just put the headphones on, and….  I fell asleep almost every time.   Somehow I do not think it is the key to waking up, even if you can get into some pleasant states.

   A couple of years later I came across Robert Scheinfeld’s material and the seeking began again.  Without getting into his model or theories, his process emphasized the illusory quality of what we take to be real, and I found this useful for a time.  His approach to wealth, the idea that all money is an expression of appreciation, whether we are giving it or receiving it, made a  tremendous difference in allowing me to get comfortable about most money situations.  And there was something else.  In an online forum, he unequivocally recommended reading your material, Jed.
     
.        So around 2009-10 I started reading and re-reading your books and doing SA.  I began to realize that I had made a wrong turn in college when I stopped questioning it all.  My big mistake!  And in June of 2010 I managed to take what I regard as my First Step which I posted on your forum back in 2012.  I asked, “What if there were no “I”?”   And the question looped back on itself over and over, and suddenly, like in a Scott Kiloby’s Unfindable Inquiry, the “I”  literally disappeared.   It just wasn’t there.   Seemed like a First Step to me.  Of course, the  I came back. Then, while doing SA, I  discovered Not-Knowing, really thinking it was mine until Pi directed me in the Forum to check out Peter Ralston’s book. Anyway, it was nice to know I found it on my own.  But I was, of course, far from being awakened.

     When you shut down the Forum the second time (after I had so persuasively convinced you to re-open it), I reconciled myself to going it alone.  Your words in TOE seemed to take care of every contingency, i.e., Consciousness is what consciousness is conscious of.  Consciousness is true.  What consciousness is conscious of is not.  I didn’t really need to consider anything else.  I glided along on this for months. 

     The Forum re-opened, and it seemed clear to me that I had some more work to do.  You recently stated that “Done” was not quite what you were trying to convey in Damndest.  It was more like being doner and doner.  The analogy you once used on the Forum was of a machine that starts going and then keeps going on its own momentum as one goes deeper and deeper; there is no finite doneness and that’s fine with me.  What we are looking for is the SEEKING,  you  said in another post, and sometimes I get that.

    More recently after reading Goran’s book and some Wei Wu Wei,  I have focused on being the SEEKING, as feeling, seeing, hearing… I distinguish the objects of perception as just those sensations of feeling, seeing, hearing that arise in thought and “out there” as I allow them to manifest and fade, bearing in mind they are ephemeral .  Kind of a mix of Kiloby and the Forum’s Clinical Trial Experimentation.

     No one in my social circle seems to have the slightest interest in this stuff (so I rarely discuss it outside of the Forum; your suggestion in the Rules is well-taken) And that is “where” I seem to be at the moment.

     Your efforts on behalf of me and my other dreamed characters are greatly by me and them!  And I continue to look forward to all of your posts!

Hi Cool:

Got it. Sounds like a pretty well thought out journey, and also a good way to avoid to avoid what you are seeking, but that's not a criticism as there is value to be found in everything if you are open to it. Your are obviously pretty clever and that can be a **** at times. I would ask you to hone things down, think about... what is you most pressing question at this moment. Only a couple of lines required. Love ya, Jed.

You aren't missing a think, a 'shift' doesn't just happen, sometimes decades have been invested and you don't hear that side of the story. I think you are doing just fine.

Love ya, Jed.

I'm probably having more fun than you are, but.... keep it up, further. Love ya, Jed.

If cutting to the heart is called for it will happen, without your help. Otherwise, baby steps... Love ya, Jed.

Dear Jed:  I stubbed a couple of toes this morning and my mind started to race off on a tangent with the possibilities, relating what you said in Damnedest about being enlightened and not stubbing another toe (always assumed you were joking), and then of course there is your book on TOE and your first post to me on this forum suddenly hit home.  I was trying to be clever and that is not especially helpful in this context.
      It took several days for this to sink in.

Play away, no harm.

I always mess with things, I prefer 'This is it' to 'This is I' and then I like questions. 'Is this all' or 'Is this it?'. Getting that 'I' out of there makes is a little less personal. But it doesn't matter much as your intent and focus are more important. I think you are doing great. Further.

Love ya, Jed.

 Dear Jed,

          Must have been time to change things up.  Spent much of the day trying to get beyond a stuck feeling when I decided I might be trying too hard.  The doer was getting in the way.  It was Justice Brandeis who said "the bow must be strung and unstrung."  In that spirit I simply stopped trying and  relaxed into some kind of awareness, or in my case, a feeling that there was nothing there of the me -- and then,  each new thing kept popping up before this nothing, i.e., the dishes (not a fan of this task like you are, Jed), 2 weeks worth of recycling that had piled up had to be removed, laundry, and other odds and ends.  But much easier to go about them in this context.

           I am finding that writing on this Forum to you keeps me engaged, whether or not I have a question or need any kind of response from you. And, especially based on your general comment earlier today, I do not expect any response, unless there is a question or something someone says reaches out for direction.   Your presence here is a motivation in and of itself and always appreciated.