Author Topic: Artyom  (Read 2317 times)

Artyom

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Artyom
« on: August 22, 2015, 03:20:53 am »
Hello, Jed! So, here it goes.
I'm continuing to illuminate parts of the person, of me.
The last insight was yesterday at my job.
It's about humor. Humor is ok, when there is no identification with it. But when it's part of the person and I'm trying to be humorous, funny guy for others, always smiling or friendly faced, always trying to balance situation from serious and gloomy to relaxed and funny then it becomes an obstacle. I identified with humorous and chilly role in opposition to seriousness and  absence of fun and humor in most people that i have to communicate with. And I was juddging them for being gloomy and for absence of humor. But inside me there are both characters. Gloomy one which is suppressed and humorous one on the surface.
And the most important part is that behind these two there is neutrality. Neutral observation, just opened eyes and witnessing of these two states.
Now I'm dropping this instinctive habit to be this funny chilly guy with people, this autopilot mode.
More awareness, less attachment. If I act and speak humorous I should stay aware not to identify. If I act and speak serious I should also stay aware and not to identify. And when communication is over, when I'm alone and masks can be dropped I just stay aware of awareness.

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Artyom

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2015, 04:38:19 am »
After keeping investigating what is behind these two polarities it feels very scary, because it feels that there is nothing behind them. The void. No face, no character, no emotion, nothing. For the mind it is dreadful. It feels dreadful and good. It was huge part of the personality and now I'm loosing it, loosing me. This was a huge blind spot that was itching like hell and I've finally found it.

Jed McKenna

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2015, 06:06:42 am »
Artyom:

Thanks for sharing that. My only thought is stick with it.

Love ya, Jed.

Artyom

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2015, 06:56:01 am »
Yup. Thanks for the reply and for the opportunity to be here.
We'll see where it leads and what will be next. Both scary and interesting.

Jed McKenna

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2015, 07:56:51 am »
Yep, scary and interesting.

Love ya, Jed.

Artyom

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2015, 11:03:55 am »
After some more digging and communicating to friends I see now how pathetic I behaved. I really tried to act like funny, chilly, humorous guy even if I didn't want or when I knew it was needed to act straight and without that stupid smile. No agression, just CLARITY. Calm and clear look, not that people-pleaser kind of thing.
I need some unprogramming, which I'm gonna do and already doing. It will be my training to change the way I communicate and express thoughts and etc. And this kind of activity removes big part of self-image.
I'm not trying to create new self-image, because that clarity has no image. It's just expression of thoughts without thinker behind them. Just the flow.
And important thing is that people-pleaser image was created out of FEAR. Instinctive human behaviour, automatic stuff, like "smile, be nice, speak nicely and everything will be alright".

Jed McKenna

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2015, 12:46:21 pm »
Sounds like a plan...

Cheers.

Artyom

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2015, 01:04:51 pm »
Hi, Jed!
So, I've worked through the stuff which I mentioned in my previous posts about humorous identity and people pleasing.
The result is good - some tension was dropped from the psyche. Now I can relax more around people that I depend on and just be free from being likable.
During this iņvestigation I found another identity. It was "psychologist" identity which is related to my previous stuff about humor. People helper. And this identity required to be understanding, emphatic, polite and soft, making people feel comfortable. That was dropped. I don't want to make other persons feel comfortable in their lies and I don't want this for myself also.
And today I found another identity inside. It's about accepting. The person who accepts others, not criticizing and so on. But it was identity IN OPPOSITION to other persons who are not accepting and always criticize everything. So I dropped this too. And there is less of me now, less knowing of what I am. Less lies.
And now... further. :)

« Last Edit: August 29, 2015, 01:10:54 pm by Artyom »

Jed McKenna

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #8 on: August 29, 2015, 11:14:36 pm »
You can tell when a human is lying, their lips are moving...

Love ya, Jed.

Artyom

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2015, 06:18:06 am »
Yes!  :D

Artyom

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2015, 06:58:20 am »
Now what I've realized, that all ideas are lies. (idea=concept=thought, but for me the word "idea" clicks better)
So, the ideas arising in the mind try to attract attention, try to involve me in thinking about how everything works and about the sense of life, how everything is important and what's not important and so on, but these ideas are all false, because they are perceived, because they are dual. Part of the dream. The idea how to fix some device in the house can be useful, but that's it, the limit. Ideas cannot say anything true about the world and reality.
So, here I've wrtitten some idea. Interesting. But this idea kills all other ideas, or better to say kills the importance of other ideas. It eliminates them and commits suicide. Idea that says that no idea is important terminates itself.
Now contemplating this (good idea! :D)

P.S. it reminds me relaxing of physical muscles in the body. At first you realize that some muscles are tensed. Then you consciously relax them, release the tension, breath and so on. But this is not doing, but undoing, undoing the tension. The same thing with the mind. It has a habit to put importance to ideas and go with them. But at the beginning I have to remind myself this fact, to become conscious of it and start releasing, letting go.
And then I can use this understanding (which itself is an idea) and relax the mind, to let go of ideas that arise, not to put importance to them (which is the same as relaxing muscles).
« Last Edit: August 30, 2015, 07:06:41 am by Artyom »

Jed McKenna

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #11 on: August 30, 2015, 07:18:49 am »
Cheers...

Love ya, Jed.

Artyom

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2015, 05:45:18 am »
So, I'm continuing digging and illuminating personal identifications (self-images consisting of feelings, emotions, thoughts, behavior patterns and so on). Things of which "I" exists. I won't write details here, too tired to do that.
But the process is going full speed. Painful, unpleasant, but nobody said that it would be easy. Maybe somebody did say it, but they lied in this case. :)
After one thing is done there is short period of relief and even joy. But after couple  hours next thing starts itching more and more, relief is gone, pain is back, joy is forgotten and I just continue investigating. It happened so many times that I got used to the dynamics of the process.
But every time there is hope that maybe this thing is the last :))) Some day it will be but now I got work to do. Back to my dirty business. :)
« Last Edit: September 01, 2015, 05:48:03 am by Artyom »

Jed McKenna

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #13 on: September 02, 2015, 02:04:17 am »
Dear A:

Sounds just fine to me... but don't let up, regular times at is is better that spurts.

Love ya, Jed

Artyom

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Re: Artyom
« Reply #14 on: September 02, 2015, 02:49:10 am »
Well, I don't let up. This process has its own mind and doesn't let me to fool around. :) You mean regular reports? You mean that I've made a break in reporting during a week between 22 and 29 of August? Well, I was working through the plan on that one thing during a week, every day at the job I was investigating and was planning to share at the weekend because I work at the porcelain factory and that week was evening shift and I came home at midnight (this week is night shift) and this is very exhausting so I write when I physically can :) If you mean regular writing here I'll do my best to share even if I don't have anything valuable, the only problem is energy and tiredness after my job. But I have my notes on paper and phone and do this everywhere, in transport, while working even. When I have some insight, find something I write it down immediately.
« Last Edit: September 02, 2015, 03:16:59 am by Artyom »