INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Thanks for understanding, Jed!
Honestly, this is so hard physically for me (with chronic fatigue syndrome) to do everyday stuff (job) and to be in this process at the same time. I wonder that I'm still sane and alive. By the way, there is good technique for dealing with emotions, called EFT. It allows to make things go smooth.
It makes this process bearable while living in society and communicating to people.

Yesterday I listened to your audio book the Damnedest, the talk with Julia about layers.
And you mentioned different social layers like church, education and so on. And you also mentioned past lives and said: what's beyond them?
This question appeared in my mind some time ago and felt useful but didn't attract much of attention until yesterday.
I'd like to explain a bit more about these other lives. I really sense some of this stuff like other lifes, it's hard to explain. And this stuff also was part of my ego-structure since my childhood.
It's not just an abstract idea for me, but strong sensation of memories and feelings, even at the age of 5-6 I sensed something like that. So I have to work with these layers also. This is part of my personal structure. I have to drop these layers.
And yesterday I questioned myself what's beyond other lives?
And I felt that beyond these lives is noone. No individual soul. This life really is not important just for entertainemnt. No importance, no evolution and development is required. That, which we really are doesn't need development. Reality doesn't need to achieve anything. It just is. Development and evolution is just the game.
For people who don't feel such stuff, offcourse it's not relevant. They have different ego-layer-structure. But for me this is it. And it clicked.
Evolution has importance only in the context of sensation of individual soul, I, but when I is gone - it is pointless.

Hi, Jed!
Yes, no need to kill. My weapon is flashlight, not a sword.
I'm writing this being not sure if it will post, because my provider (Russian) doesn't let me to write here via proxy, it worked for couple days and then it stopped.
And the fact that I have succeeded to post now doesn't mean that tomorrow I'll be able to do that. So, if I don't write here - it means my provider is bugging me, it doesn't mean that I stopped my process. None of this can stop me except Truth. Nothing can stop me and it will.

Hi, Jed!
I didn't write for a long time, because I felt like doing a lot of stuff by myself. And couldn't help doing it.
Now I feel like writing. Or better to say - there is a feeling like writing.
Interesting thing about my process. I have opened many doors and recognized many illusions in the mind during this time. And while going further I see that it became much harder to find those little demons and illusions, maybe because most of them are gone and concetration of them is very small. So they can hide better.
I remember the last thing that I was stuck at. It took me about a MONTH or almost two months, sometimes two weeks to figure it out!
I remember time when I had many insights during a day! But now, only ONE in such a long period of time. Inside my psyche it became much more peaceful offcourse, but still there is the itch and urge to find those illusions and it feels very uncomfortable when I cannot find them right now and have to dig a little longer. Sometimes much longer than I expect.

My process is taking more than two years. And I don't know how much it will take. But I don't care too much about it. Well, maybe I will be the slowest one that went this path. But what can I do. Like you said, the point is to get "there", not to plant a flag.

By the way, how are you doing, Jed? 

any better and I'd be twins.

Love ya, Jed.

That's great!

Hi, Jed!
I'm stuck again. Really stuck. So stuck that I ask Universe just to kill me. Physically or in a subtle way it doesn't mater for me anymore. I don't want to be felt as I anymore. It's so f*cking painful... It's so painful to be ME. And so pointless... to be.
In your books you said that Enlightenment is not a state of consciousness... And yet in this beyondless state some states of counsciousness become impossible. For example, personal panic atack or worry or other personal stuff.
Why am I writing this. Jed, I surrender, maybe not fully, but I want to surrender fully and trully. I really don't  know what the f*ck is going on... desptie my experiences of spiritual unconditional love and infinity... Screw that sh*t. I stil feel myself as seperate physical being trying to find some releaf.
I just ask you to tell me something that will destroy all this bullsh*t in my mind. It can be something really cruel. Don't be nice with me. I want to wake up, not to bathe in love. Just kill my concepts if you can. A question or a phrase... If you have something right now, tell me. I admit that I don't really know what the hell is going on, why and for what purpose.  I'm really desperate right now. But these instincts in the body continuously stimilate the uncouscious mind to generate these stupid ideas and stories.... And these instincts in the body subconsciously stimulate the muscles not to relax.
And i can't stop it. I tried and I failed. I've failed to die. I've failed miserably to relax. I have failed to live. I've failed to meditate. My mind is not quiet at all. For several years I've tried to stop inner dialogue... NO RESULT. There were several times, when the dialougue just stopped by itself..and there  was this absense of mind and absence of questions... But after a while the mind continued doing its job and panicking...
So, Jed, tell me somthing really radical, that will kill me or humiliate me or something but I don't want to stay the same anymore. I'm just asking for radical inner change in perseption. I just don't want to continue to be as self... the mind is too active. It doesn't stop. I'm just desperate. I don't just want the mind to calm down. I don't want to be me anymore. I pray for this explotion that will erase me, but  it doesn't happen. I still remain as small human identity...

Hi, Jed!
Thank you for your reply.
I'm not stuck anymore.  you can be nice again, if you want.

I'm not drama queen at all, Jed.
And I'm not making stuff up in a sense you've meant.
I have both legs and I'm not 15 year old mother, that's true.
But I do have some difficulties regarding energy, cronic fatigue syndrome or ME. Ive told you about this via email sometime ago. And sometimes I do have moments of moral weakness. But I'm not grovelling in self-pity. I wrote to you not for attention. And I do need solution.
You are wrong about me. I'm saying it because it's true. I never bathe in drama, I akways seek the solution.
That post is too emotional, maybe that's why you said what you said. You misunderstood me.
Many folks write for drama and attention.
I'm not one of them. I write here not very often.
I've already solved that problem that drove me to write that post, btw.