Author Topic: back to 0  (Read 350 times)

Exis

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back to 0
« on: February 19, 2018, 11:17:17 pm »
i'm starting to get the picture that this whole "enlightment" path thing is in itself contradictory and a trap, at the same time true? i'm lost. I seemed to have had a breakthrough but it's always good to get the **** kicked out of you, makes you remenber why this has like a bajillion schools of thought. Honesty is what counts, I can see that my past and opnions are all bullshit with no actual merit, but at the same time i can't help but ocassionaly get trigged and go like "I know itís a lie but it shouldn't be this easy, can I truly reject this suffering?" it feels like Iím being a coward. Oddly enough i'm not really suffering, this thing is not even freaking mine, this is like a debate about nothing going towards no one because it cannot convince itself that it is no one. there is always a position that needs defending "you shouldn't believe your story, you SHOULD believe in your story, not believing in your story is a story" blargh.there's this backstory that is supposed to be about avoiding suffering, but even avoiding suffering is a part of the game. ****!THIS IS RIGGED!

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Exis

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« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2018, 11:24:09 pm »
Sometimes feels like life is like it used to be, there's me, my family, look the sky, people, matter, science and what not. And others it's like i'm in the middle of nowhere not knowing what is what, going back and foward from a "dream". If this whole maya thing is true she has me by the non-conceptual balls. There is a need for clarity, a need of "phew, okay, i get it" but i'm starting to get tired, not mad, bored...and **** mad as well actually. what the hell is going on? This "truth" seems fake because it's too good to be true, but it's real as hell, which is it? if there is comfort there's illusion right? I don't know, what am I supposed to do next?

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2018, 01:31:35 am »
Hi there:

You are not supposed to do anything, in Truth ''you'' have never done anything anyways. But there is an appearance and you can also appear to do what arises next, just remember, it's all a dream... everything... until you wake up. What happens when you wake up from a night dream. The parallels are quite amazing.

Love ya, Jed

Exis

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« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2018, 09:08:24 pm »
Yeah, i like the dream analogy when it suits me, it's easy to forget about pain and misery of the past when you are detached from it, but that is more cowardly than anything, we don't live in dreamland we live in "dream land", after you wake up you go back to sleep. "it's all a dream" won't stop me getting stabbed or my money stolen(something every dreamer needs), or making my "imaginary" scars heal.
yes I get that nothing matters, it's all empty, no purpose, no true grounds, no right or wrong, but this dream analogy acts like it knows everything when that is in itself a belief "all beliefs are false", or do you actually know why there is anything at all or what happens after death? 100% no doubt?

I just want honesty, that's all

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2018, 10:52:17 pm »
If you want honesty, start with yourself. Stop pretending you are a human. Stop pretending that it matters if you are stabbed or robbed... I know what I know for me, and you need to find out what you ''know'' for you. There is only one thing that can be known for sure, but that's my story. Find you story... just never believe it because anything you can experience is not real. It has a beginning and an end. Find out what doesn't have a beginning and an end.

Love ya, Jed.

Exis

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« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2018, 12:41:46 am »
I'm not human, but I have no other choice but to live as one. Nothing matters, feelings and emotions are what try to convince you that it's real, however, there is no amount of "realization" that will free you from them. When you get sick and it hurts you don't say "argh, what a dream, means nothing though" you scream and ache because the pain is a ****, sure when it doesn't happens "who cares" when it happens you don't no-self it away do you? are we just going to pretend that "the dream" doesn't have consequences and horrible things in it? And yes, i'm aware there is no-self, i don't control my words, thoughts, emotions, feelings, movements, life, i'm nothing but at the same time I am all, i'm awareness, this thing gets to see and be everything in this mess of an experience. To say something is "not real" doesn't make it "unreal"

Exis

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« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2018, 12:51:25 am »
In the end it's self preservation, I can't deal with pain and i don't even like the ideia of it. Everybody has a "story" that always goes likes this: you start as a baby...kid...get trauma...yadah, yadah, yadah. My traumas and fears aren't special, they aren't anything noble, but they are all that there is left once you go back to reality, and no amount of no-self can end them. I "started" this because "maya" decided to make me existential from childhood, *supposedly*. doesn't matter if it's real or not, the feeling of "oh my god, just show it or kill me already" is real. There's nothing behind nothing, no reason for anything, everything just is, any justification is in it of itself a lie. "entertainment" seems to make sense, but it isn't. what exactly is the point of this forum?

Exis

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« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2018, 01:14:38 am »
Right now i've been feeling a void with no escape, justification, or redempetion, i'm both analyzing it and being consumed by it, and it hurst, all though if I had to be honest and say in terms of percentage it is 60% observation 40% pain. I don't know what do, there is nothing do, and yet it feels like there is something to be done, i just want this desire to know to be gone.

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #8 on: February 23, 2018, 09:59:34 pm »
If you want your desire to know to be gone, then find out. What's stopping you, really?

You are make considerable arguments for you limitations, you humanness, your thoughts and feelings.... find out what they are occurring in... the BIG context... but don't think you can think you way there. Your thinking is the problem and not the solution. But I am only speaking from my own truth... find out what it true for you.

Simple but not easy.

Love ya, Jed

Exis

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« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2018, 05:36:29 pm »
I lack maturity, I have to become an adult, there is no other option. Infinity is chocking me to the ground, in the end i'm just as scared little kid who knows nothing. I'm terrified of god, i'm terrified of life, i want for this to end. i'm getting sickned by despair, what kept you sane through all of this? was it really worthy it to see all of this eye to eye?

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #10 on: February 27, 2018, 06:24:04 am »
Buddha said something like, ''Enlightenment gave me absolutely nothing''. I would say T/R didn't give me anything I did not already have. Prior to T/R I thought there was a ''me'' who would gain a ''something'' from T/R. Boy was I wrong. What kept me sane was realizing that I was going sane in a totally insane world.

Love ya, Jed.




Exis

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« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2018, 11:50:09 pm »
I've made my mind up. I want to grow up, i don't want to live in this womb anymore, i can't stand this lie i'm telling myself. I don't want a happy ending, i don't want hapiness, i don't want for a force of the universe to come and say that all of my suffering was to serve a higher noble purpose, i want to accept reality, to be able to see it clearly, not one sided. I've cried honest tears and while looking in the mirror i noticed that I can't associate myself with this thing any longer but that at the same time it needs to become an adult. I WILL grow, I refuse to let this world kill me before I do that, i'm not asking for your guidance, i'm saying this so that I never have to comeback here again, only I can make myself grow. Thank you for your services.

Jed McKenna

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« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2018, 01:38:25 am »
I wish you the very best on your journey.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. Remember, no matter what you experience, what happens, what you see, feel, hear... it's all you.