INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

good morning,

im from germany, so if my english here isnt readable, please tell me and i will try to express myself better.

i read your first book 10 years ago, since then, everything was...a little diffrent. there is always this..thought/feeling , that there is something i dont see or dont understand.
since then there is this uncomfortable emotion, that i miss something that is right infront of me and im to blind to see it.

im kinda afraid, that if im dying, this one thought will be my last thought: that i miss something in my life.

if there is one thing in your books that really marked me, i would be the whole death part in your third book.
everything else is fine, of course...but it all doenst matter at deaths door. i will die, maybe today, tomorrow or in 50 years...doenst matter.

and heres my problem: i know that. i know, that im going to die, maybe in one hour when im outside, driving to my moms house to drink a god damn coffee. sunday, the 30th august, 1pm, bleeding on the stress of emden, germany because a 19year old fucker wanted to impress his new girlfriend with his fast car and didnt see me coming with the bike...end of my story, for no reason.

so, tell me...why im still sitting on my chair infront of my computer, kinda sleeping through the day, through my whole life although i know this could be my last day?

it sounds so easy to wake up.....just open your eys, ****! youre going to die!
but everyday i feel so sluggish and tired, like im asleep and all of this is just a dream (whoa!)

im pray for death experience, and i want them everyday, every minute until im awake and can say: yes, thats it!

ps: i never posted in forums before, so apologize if all of this look a littlebit weird.

greetings,
bjoern

i wouldnt say that im afraid of my own death, im more afraid that im never really alive.
yesterday i read a post from göran backlund about "navigating the dreamstate". its about letting things happen instead of force things to happen. more about doing things someone WANTS to do instead of doing things someone SHOULD do.
and thats exactly what im looking for...a life without worries, fears, hours of thinking before i finally asleep. just waking up and know, thats all good...in a smoothe, flowing way.

i quitted my crap job exactly one hour ago, i hated that job, everyday, every second, i couldnt be there anymore, not even a second. maybe it was a big mistake, maybe not. all that i know is, that im feeling a littlebit..lighter. something dropped, and it feels good.

at the end a question: im more interessted in human adulthood than enlightenment. i want to live my life, not drop out of it. am i at the right place? or is this forum only for enlightenment stuff without any exception

read your thread of "jed, on the offense about defense".
re-read my last post and counted the i's, the word for myself...18 **** times.
i wrote a little text with 18 times"I" in it.
when i read my post i only see....i think, i have, i thought, i will, just for me, me me...holy ****.

if the "I am" is the problem, how can that "I" ask a question or write something down when its all start with that "I"? wich is the problem.

thats pretty impressive because it seems that everything i read before points at this 'theres no 'I'': your question if 'I' were ever really born and when so, whats that exactly (and i read that in an other post from you again, it was something like "i made an experience that i was never born and hence never die"), the question "who am I?" and some other texts from other people wich all said, that theres no 'I', just something like experience or awareness.

so, in easy words I just have to stop beliving, that i am a 25year old german guy with all of my social connections like family, friends, date of birth and all that stuff? and instead just be....what? awareness?

yesterday is saw "fight club", with brad pitt and edward norton, and there were sereval scenes where brad tried to tell someone, that he has to be aware of his own death, not with fear, just be aware that he will goin to die one day.

one scene, he hold a gun at the head from an chinese guy and asked him what he really wanna be in his life? (the guy worked at a 24/7 shop) and the guy said, that he would love to be an animal doc. and brad kicked him away, said him that he has to become an animal doc, otherwise he would find him and kill him.

other scene, inside a car, drivin on the other side like ghost drivers, brad asked two guys what they wanted to do before they die, and the one said "draw a picture/portraie or something" and the other one "build a house".

and thats it, right?
find something we love, do it until we die, end of the story. no thinking about enlightment, the need to be free from whatever, just living.

I have experienced that people  who are not native English speakers often express themselves very well and straightforward.

I enjoy reading you posts.

So, I am putting the gun to your head. Now, you tell me.... what are you doing here?

Love ya, Jed.

maybe someone will say: well, just stop searching if ure tired of that.
and maybe, and thats a really BIG maybe, hes totally right.

but i cant help myself at the moment, im kinda addicted. and that make me sick.

im a donkey with a carrot infront of my face, held by Maya herself.

ive known it a long time ago that im kinda addicted to all this ****, but, like i said, i wasnt able to stop searching and looking for...and still arent able to stop it.

but i want to, cause i hate it.

so, my suggestion is 'just to stop searching for something'. sounds easy and, maybe, it is the best decision i could do right now.
but its like tell a drug abuser: just stop taking meth dude and ure gonna be fine.
easy for the 'clean guy', but for the addicted one its pretty hard ****.

its not that i want it to be easy or instant, like instant rehab.
for the moment, im just not sure what to do next to get clean.