INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

I experienced some peace and contentedness when I drop the bs. My ego still flips out, thinks of death a lot, wants to die, and then I remember it's not me and it's all good. I guess this ain't going to be too pleasant of a dream lol. I've lost interest in pretty much everything and sleep a lot now, sort of awaiting death and kind of hoping it comes soon because I'm bored and my ego is too dramatic. In the meantime, I'm not sure what to do so I just do what I do (surrender).

I don't really see people as anything, I just don't know how I'm still fooling them that I'm playing the human game they're playing. Actually I don't know how I'm still doing anything since I've let it all drop. Whether H/A or T/R, feeling more like the later, this is not what I expected. It's sort of like I'm the zombie, but I know I am. I have no idea what others are, but they seem to be getting a kick out of life somehow.

Is the only thing to truly realize is the ephemerality of existence? Beyond this I don't know what else to ponder. What I want/need is ephemeral, what I'm running away from is ephemeral, who I am is ephemeral. Is the whole point to just surrender any semblance of permanency?

I think I was letting go/surrendering things as a means to avoid them. But now I'll try to surrender to things, especially fear, and see where that takes me.

This surrendering makes things more peaceful and sleepy. I find that I'm getting out of habits like video games more easily by just surrendering to it, getting bored, and instead take walks.

On my walk today I wondered why I was trying so hard to surrender, what was I looking for? I found I felt incomplete, and surrendered to that feeling. Not sure what to do now, but I guess that happens when you're done with struggling.

I'm out of ideas of what to surrender to. I've surrendered to things from the unknown to evil to death to the Truth to my fears. "How else can I surrender, what else can I surrender to?" is something I ask often.

My mind still races for an answer when I'm not sure there is one. How do I surrender to that? I think all I want at this point is "peace of mind" like you said in your third book.

At one point three years ago I realized I couldn't be myself and survive in this world. Ever since, I think I've been gradually killing all aspects of myself. I don't know how far along I've gone but I'm pretty much nothing at this point, I'm not sure why anyone would hang around with nothing unless they're tired of being something. I guess that's why people talk to you Jed. I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm pretty sure no one else does either, they just think they do. I've surrendered to as much as possible at this point, letting the universe do whatever it pleases to me, and so far it's been quite nice after first going through a phase of torture. So here I am, still breathing but with no personality, no preference, and hardly a semblance of self. I guess I did it, even though I don't know what 'it' is.

Any advice from here Jed? Otherwise I'll just keep doing the only thing I know, surrendering.

Is there anything beyond surrender Jed? I think I'm at a point where everything is surrender to me.

I think I did it Jed. I surrendered control of everything to everything else, who I am, what I am. Now I realize that nothing is me, so weird stuff that pops into my head doesn't bother me. What I do doesn't bother me. I'd rather the strange stuff not appear in the dream but I'm no longer in control, if I ever was in control. I wonder how this will continue.