INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Dear Jed,

I have a question for you about Spiritual Autolysis, but first I want to say thank you for writing and sharing your experience with me. I was thrown into the howling Tao by taking too high of psychedelic doses at too young an age and too much an ego. That was many years ago, and thankfully I turned to spirituality, intellectualism, and reading to combat my otherwise impending insanity. Your books were and still are a big part of my process. Thank you.

My question is this: I'm reading your first book for the second time and relishing in it. But when I attempt SA I don't feel comfortable writing anything down but 'I am.' There are no other 'truths' that I can claim. I don't know if free will exists, if objective right and wrong exist, or anything else really. I feel like the universe might imply me and my actions so deeply that everything I do, down to typing these words, is predetermined. I also feel very hesitant to use dualistic words to 'get' anywhere. How does SA work for a being who claims no truths?

Hmm, I hadn't thought to attack the written concept 'I am' before. After spending some time with it I find I can easily tear it apart though. It seems like 'I am' in all it's innocence is actually implying division or contrast. I am in contrast to something else.

Am is just another form of the word be, which Merriam-Webster defines as 'used to indicate the identity of a person or thing.' From my perspective, indication is just another form of 'line drawing,' which seems self-defeating. This wraps back around to my distrust of words in general.

But... 'I am' is not just un-explicit, haphazard division... being also implies awareness, which is probably closer to the truth I wanted to capture originally. Something like 'Awareness happens.' I suppose I could undo that knot too by asking 'What is the difference between awareness and the subject / substance of awareness?' ... but I'll refrain for the moment to reflect. Thanks!