Author Topic: First step Last step  (Read 6390 times)

adinfinitum

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #240 on: June 07, 2017, 06:34:05 am »
Hello Jed,

I applied your advice. Doing my best which is not much...

I am is ungraspable, so sometimes I get very agitated because i cannot find it. I aware of that but I'm often boxing it as concept.
I also get very sleepy when trying to stay as 'being'.
Craving for distraction is strong
At night my sleep is even more agitated and I wake up more often but dreams are a bit more vivid
My week was emotionally rougher than usual

those are normal experiences with this 'practice' you recommended ?
« Last Edit: June 07, 2017, 07:58:36 am by adinfinitum »

adinfinitum

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #241 on: June 12, 2017, 07:22:39 am »
Yesterday I did something that I was afraid of doing. I managed to do it but i had a lot of expectation. I hoped I would get something out of it... relief, idk... While I was there, the only way to feel ok was to forget myself, be like a child again... not easy. I kept stumbling on my flaws...
When I was back home I realized that behind the fear was hiding the same guy before anxiety started to darken my life, a guy i didn't like. It's like discovering a bigger mountain behind the mountain you are struggling with...
This night I dreamed of my ex girlfriend. In the dream I was trying to convince her that I had changed, I explained to her the research I did, (reading the books, the thinking etc...) and she said 'ok, so you just changed your philosophy', meaning that I didn't change myself...
Waking up with this was kind of devastating, it reminded me your last rant, all those efforts for nothing, i failed to change myself... i can't, that the thing with 'selves' they can't work I guess.
An old memory came to my mind. I was three years old playing marbles with my first 'guru' I can say. He was older, knew the game better and won my toys... I cried that time, poor little boy...
It hasn't changed much, I still cry when I loose but worse I fear to loose what I think I am/have, parts of what I believe makes this little 'me' and by extension all of it.
Suck it up princess...
« Last Edit: June 12, 2017, 01:37:07 pm by adinfinitum »

Jed McKenna

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #242 on: June 13, 2017, 08:47:58 am »
 :o :o :o :o

adinfinitum

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #243 on: June 14, 2017, 04:02:31 am »
I don't know what to say

Jed McKenna

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #244 on: June 14, 2017, 04:26:56 am »
Good, you never ''have to'' say anything. Pretty much all words are just blah blah.

Love ya, Jed.

adinfinitum

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #245 on: June 14, 2017, 04:47:54 am »
it goes further, i just don't know.. i don't like it

Jed McKenna

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #246 on: June 14, 2017, 05:34:17 am »
Who doesn't like it, who is resisting? What does resisting get you?

Love ya, Jed.

adinfinitum

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #247 on: June 15, 2017, 03:08:47 am »
the thing that resists and resisting are one and the same... who is resisting ? It is like asking, who am I ? What is resistance?... no answers
And what does resisting get me? I can't come up with an answer either. I thought about comfort, but it's the opposite really. If it gets me something it's illusory. Doesn't make it stop tough... who wants to stop it ? got yourself in a loop here pal.
Back in "I don't know" and that idea itself is sticky. It's easier to hold on the 'I don't know' idea than really looking at the actual 'thing'.

Jed McKenna

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #248 on: June 15, 2017, 10:27:47 am »
 ;) ;) ;)

adinfinitum

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #249 on: June 16, 2017, 03:27:22 am »
 :)

adinfinitum

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #250 on: June 19, 2017, 12:26:00 pm »
staying with the sense 'I am' there is obsession with sensations in the body. It's like a mild tension in the upper body. Sometimes it's the face, throat or chest even all of them at once forming a vertical line...
It is a nagging feeling... like it's glued to me?whatever i'm...  I inquire into it it recess i find nothing... it's a huge effort and if the inquiry stops it comes back.
Crazy ? Advice ?

Jed McKenna

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #251 on: June 20, 2017, 01:54:59 am »
Keep feeling and inquiring into it, as deep as you can go.

Love ya, Jed.

adinfinitum

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #252 on: June 22, 2017, 02:49:52 am »
What was the last trick Maya played on you, the last layer you uncovered back when you were a seeker ?
How does your current experience is articulated ? I'm not asking what you had for breakfast of course. You've made a post about T/R myths.  Total mindfulness is one of the myths I think... but i'd like to hear how you would describe your current experience...
TY
PS : really now idea where these questions come from, thought of them last night, they still asked to be written in the morning so there they are... ???
« Last Edit: June 22, 2017, 02:52:15 am by adinfinitum »

Jed McKenna

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #253 on: June 22, 2017, 04:12:04 am »
Please don't waste time worrying about my experiences, yes, it might be good to be a little forewarned, but it is a double edge sword because you will start looking for them in your own experience. You wrote ''i'd like to hear how you would describe your current experience" and this is all you should be interested in, and it's all I am interested in now because I have done my work quite a while ago, and it's time to point, but I need to get a sense of where you are... so please share away.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. How's that for a non-answer?


adinfinitum

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Re: First step Last step
« Reply #254 on: June 23, 2017, 03:51:42 am »
Please share away... that's one of the hardest post i had to write here. I had a fear reaction reading your last reply, a sudden void.
I posted here a few time yesterday but deleted them all. I got nightmares...
Something blocked i guess
« Last Edit: June 23, 2017, 04:52:26 am by adinfinitum »