Yesterday I did something that I was afraid of doing. I managed to do it but i had a lot of expectation. I hoped I would get something out of it... relief, idk... While I was there, the only way to feel ok was to forget myself, be like a child again... not easy. I kept stumbling on my flaws...
When I was back home I realized that behind the fear was hiding the same guy before anxiety started to darken my life, a guy i didn't like. It's like discovering a bigger mountain behind the mountain you are struggling with...
This night I dreamed of my ex girlfriend. In the dream I was trying to convince her that I had changed, I explained to her the research I did, (reading the books, the thinking etc...) and she said 'ok, so you just changed your philosophy', meaning that I didn't change myself...
Waking up with this was kind of devastating, it reminded me your last rant, all those efforts for nothing, i failed to change myself... i can't, that the thing with 'selves' they can't work I guess.
An old memory came to my mind. I was three years old playing marbles with my first 'guru' I can say. He was older, knew the game better and won my toys... I cried that time, poor little boy...
It hasn't changed much, I still cry when I loose but worse I fear to loose what I think I am/have, parts of what I believe makes this little 'me' and by extension all of it.
Suck it up princess...
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