You said: I guess I feel like there should be some kind of thing showing up to show me what to do, or a purpose or patterns or something. I dont' know. Divine guidance, something.
I am a little flummoxed with with what you said. What do you think this forum is about, the books, the series, great writers such as Ramana and Nisargadatta? There is guidance all around you but you fail to open your eyes. I mean ALL around you. I just don't get it. If you are interested in pursuing H/R and T/R then get off you high horse and quit wasting time. Do something about it, like dealing with your resentments. If you think your life has been "rough the whole way" then buy a ticket and come here, I'll show you rough!
Love ya, Jed.