INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Dear Robert:

Thank you for your offer, you are a true gentle-man. How about you just let things be and write if you feel the urge. I would like to think that I can be here for you and maybe assist in some minor way in the future. Just a pleasant hallucination.

Love ya, always. Jed.

  I can't even write fast enough to acknowledge each aspect of self that has dissolved. When I used to consider awakening I always in terms of outward, expansion. But, for me at the moment, it's like diving or sinking in water, and the deeper I go the faster I fall.
  I feel overwhelmed by the depth and completely silent, and the world goes on all around. WOW.

  The show goes on and I have the only seat.

  And the hits just keep on coming. Not to wear out a subject but what I had come to think of as my enemy has become my personal instructor. Just when I think I know, wham, literally, wham, and a small seizure will give me a demonstration of the moment, the now whatever it is or at least appears to be.
  The worst "thing" to happen in my life becomes the thing I took countless meds to be rid of, breaks my defense's apart.

It reminds me of something I read, be careful when casting out your demons, you just might throw away the best part of yourself. ( sorry about the quote I butchered, but I thought it applied in my case. )

  I can feel as the memories loosen and unwind they float away like sparks in the night. It all looks so simple when seen in reverse, the decades spent wrapping and tightening the beliefs and concepts, then the hard shell of emotion, and finally the laces of religion and new age thought. It seems as if I even added a few layers while I assumed I was removing them. Understanding really is the consolation in this whatever THIS is.
  Years, hell, weeks ago I would've said enlightenment, or awakening, but now it feels like something beat on me until I was soft enough to reach inside and remove the center.
  The funny part is I don't feel a thing.

   Inkling... what an idiotic word in fact everything I written over the past few days reads like an ego's veiled attempt to exist though burrowed in like a parasite under a skin of "nonexistence". Everything appeared to unravel but to come apart assumes an existence to begin with, nothing burned because not only is there nothing to burn there's no such thing as fire.
   After all of this, the burning, the unraveling, the seizures, the moments, the so called "understanding", I  struggled through a nonexistent current, in a nonexistent river to get right back to where I've always been NO WHERE.
   Even the path, or maybe especially, the path was and is a lie, at least before the path I just assumed I was real. Great day at the amusement park.
   Hope, wonder, awe, triumph, success, failure, path, journey, awakening, enlightenment, Truth, I am tempted to say gone but that's inaccurate, never were.

  Be damn sure this is what you are looking for because you can't unlearn dissolution. I've tried to write several times and there's nothing to say.

Jed, how you managed to squeeze four books out of this nothing escapes me. I could live the rest of my life and never utter a word. How do you manage?