INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

its just dead inside, something that is placent within the dream, sad enough to divert from the truth. not dead enough to be of any use, not alive enough to scream. numb with affluenza (I like that term). Its an undead part, sucking life, taking away the view for truth. self stimulating, to be at least somewhat alive, or an illusion thereof. I will allow it. its gonna be tough. but what is the mountain, is it to allow it or to burn it away? I could need some carpet pulling here, falling. I am sick of this part.

dear jed, still allowing and writing SA. last week I just felt an immense relief that I`ve been duped. because the worse alternative seems to be that all these theatrics are real. it was easy to drop buddhism, more a relief. I like the simplicity of it all. fear oscilates, comes and goes and it is really a lot of work to remember allowing, not being sucked in by maya.

ok, I get it, allowing maya is what it is about, because her grip sometimes weakens. I know that I should not expect anything, but this is my mountain, it cannot be conquered, because ego is still in it. writing the truth begins with my self deceptions in maya but usually leads me to the heart of the deception. sometimes I break through, more often than not I don`t. My book is half filled with things I think to be true, up to the point where I can allow them. sometimes. it is easier to see the self-deception of others than my own.


thank you

If there is an 'I' and it is so darn important to us, (more than 90% of your thoughts are about 'I') then is should be pretty easy to find. That's only logical. So find it. Go ahead. It's worth putting some time into this.

A few good questions are, when am I, where am I, who hears, who feels, who sees???

Go on now, that's you task.

Love ya, Jed.

jed, still doing my self-questioning. there is nothing to be found of any stability, nothing real at all. it just sucks me back in the moment I quit my questioning.

however if something could be found, how should I recognize it? is it not like trying to look at yourself without a mirror?

one other question: has ego any power beyond staying in the dream. can it influence any actions at all e.g. by not allowing something to happen? or is the experience of doing or hindering what happens fake, too? I cannot answer it. I just experience "doing" and a commentary to it.

ok, but "in there" there is not much of any substance, either. awareness is "beyond", which I can realize for a moment, then I fall back on or rather in "myself". also, since doing the self-inquiry ego just feels raw, splintered, chaotic, it just dismantles or at least seems less refined. it doesn`t feel good at all, today I am a bit sick, because it feels like trashed but I don`t know what to do.

but why does the dream return the moment "I" stop looking, better yet when "I" start looking? why does the dream continue? what holds it in motion? and how? through fear or habit?

dear jed, many questions resolved themselves, so it took me some time exploring. I think the essential question is: how do I know that my process is authentic?

thank you

dear jed, yeah I somewhat get that. By "just loaded" do you mean the word is loaded? do you mean the word is loaded by the meaning that the ego can be real and therefore is just another stretegy by maya?
 sorry, I am not a native speaker and maybe I am oblivious to some subtleties.

however it doesn`t feel like "I" am the author, of course. it takes a deeper look. sometimes there is an inkling, I does not experience it. as long as there is an I, there cannot be any truth. I somewhat get that. however, I think that maya may be able to fake any progress just to let me sleep deeper.

further. thank you