INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

At the moment there is one big lie in my life.

I say i want to die. I mean i want to die as in disappearing complely, me, myself, and I.

But it's a lie. The reason i'm stil here is that, at the moment of truth i couldn't handle it, and fell back in all my hatred for my so called outer tormentors, or rather myself projected in shadows of so called orthers who tormented me. My choice was: rather be in hell than losing it all. How stupide can you be, i aks myself?

So there's the lie, rather then acept my own stupidness i say:" i want to die,"when it's really out of the question that i want to die really. There is allways the first this and that issue... And the issue is how can i torment myself as much as posible. It sounds awfull, i know, but's the truth when i be honest.

Ok background: really doesn't matter, what i wrote above is it.

Questions?: not at the moment. Just trying to find my way back to what's real, so that means give up the illusionary story of me, myself and i, and most of all the selfhatred and wanting satisfaction in that.

Easy task i would say....

So what's left? Really don't know...

Hai Jed, that was quick....

Yes i do and think so to. How many years it will take before i give up my wanting and demanding even, don't know.
Although, i have to put some feathers in my own ass for projecting some shadows that assist me in finding  my way back. If i'll be listing or understand in my currently status, for al that matter, is hole different story, :-D

In time i maby write some more, don't know. For now i leave it at lurking, that's for all the best i think....hahaha

See you later, and thanks.

Dear Sparrow:

No problem, go into hibernation.

Hai Jed, Go into? I'm already into hibernation.....

You may get something from reading other folks post and my various responses. It's a good idea to pretend each response was written ONLY for you, no one else.

Like the 'various' in your responses :-D. But all joking aside.....About the rest: just my thoughts and feeling, so agreed

Love ya, Jed (and each was actually written only for you, that's not b.s.).

Please tell me what b.s. means, thks

Greatz Sparrow

Thks For explain what b.s. means. About the rest.....grumpy is popping up now, i did understand what you said Jed..... So there was no need to go into repitition; says grumpy, forgetting about your freedom to say what ever you feel the need to say.

By the way i was thinking about the hibernationthing last night. I found myself awake in coffin deep underground, hellish dreams that usely consume me and keep me away form realizing the truth from where i am at the moment where gone for a minute or two. Fear is running truth my veins, i'm dieing. My God why it's taking this long - stupid question, i know - breathing stil going strong. I think about what is really freaking me out and how real it is what this freaking is build on. I just frighten myself and there is really no need to do that. I'm dieing, i like to celebrate this moment before if fall afsleep again.

Dear Jed,

Just finished reading Jed McKenna's notebook. Just want to share some thinks that touched me and did fall in to place with what i did poorly try to make clear in my first post. Second: the talk with Maggie about observation which ends with the frase about killing the actor.  This is it, that's what i'm trying to figure out. I mean i'm suicidal in that way, just don't know how to...i'm the one who creates Maya for some reason. I'm the sourse of it all. I really need to die course maya can only die when i die. Enough is enough, there comes a time when your done playing in this wonderes world or universe we have been creating. You understand what i mean Jed?

And then first the thing that left me crying a little bit is the last chapter of the book in some kind of recognition. In my case: when death woke me up and everything fell apart,death and me made love and then, in mutual consent, we departed in full awareness from what to come. I walkend back into this world, complely naked, straight into my own hell. And there was ego who jumpt on me to rip me apart. Oh i was so dispointed that i jump of a mental clif straight into darkness. I felt every negatief thing that ego's think about themself as my own. I was so sick of me that I rejected even to eat or drink. Then there was that inner voice commending me to go out and do something nice for myself. I was so afraid to go out, but i did. The lid was on the pot from that moment on. It took 3 month before i came to myself a little bit. Than i went out again to the sticks and stones, learing to deal with ego, and now i'm where i'm, i'm done. Taking my last steps, need to remember, i know the way i'v been there, route is somewhere in the back of my mind. Maybe leading me already without me knowing consciously

At times i get so angry about what happend during the last few years, but then again it was nessesary to fall back as far as i did and make the choices i made to fall even deeper to the bottem of the pit. Out of all my disepointment came this light, i'm done. I told a few people about my longing for death, they think i'm talking about comitting suïcide my body. But this is going much deeper than that. I'm talking about destroying the universe, time and space and all in it including me as a or the creator of it.

And all this from reading a book, just felt the need to share.....

...... (Shamefull silence) I have to admit. I wasn't aware at the time, but now i do...

You know, sometimes, mayby more than sometimes, i'll be very insecure, i wrote about it before of seeing it right and such.

I want to tell: after my little experience ect. I was very confused about what happend to me and the reactions of others when i came back in this world. I was also rather ignorend and thought people would understand the situation, well they didn't. I woke up in a nest of people who preach love but don't know what love really means, so they through me out of there group, leaving me standing outside of the wall screaming in desperation and anxiety, my god i was so afraid, i can't tell. I wandered arround for a while, like a animal who has driven by it's parents. In the end i accepted the situation en went away..... Stil searching for people i could talk to without them condemning me. After a while i stumbled upon a forum, and yes there was someone like me, i regonized him immidiatly. I signed in on the forum, we did meet, it went wrong after that, and there i was again, again desperate and stil very afraid. At that time, on the same forum, there he came, this enlightend ego. I picked on me as soon as i came in side. As confused as i was i regonized him immidiatly. Becourse of all my confusion, vulnerability, anxiety, he and his followers showed me every corner of the room we were in. I couldn't do absolutly nothing accept undergoning it and scream as loud as i could for a good while. After a while (years) and in between  i solved some things that needed soving, and became stronger over time. And now, so it seems, i'm done with him, thank god. This human being can let your head spin arround like no-one else i know could. As in a echo i'm stil stuck with anxiety and uncertainty, i take it, it will go away futher allong the way, i'm sure.

I have to amit, there is stil a little girl in me who is seeking attention, but do'nt worry about it, it's my problem, i need to solve it. So i'm happy when she coming forward so i can deal with it. I'm just telling this story to get it and some things out of my system and don't mind if you even read it or not.

If you read this, you welcome, if not it's ok to

Love Sparrow and grumpy of course, he aint not bad at all, he's rather loverble if you see trough 

A lightballmoment for me:

It just hit me why some people accused me of lying when i tried to talk about my experience and story that leaded to it eventually. They said i only gave them bits and pieces, it was not consistent and things didn't fit as they should in there eyes. As a result of this we got stuck in the story that leaded to everything falling apart, the dispappearance of the universe i created, instead of going futher

The problem is i tried to create a three dimensional picture in linear time, with people who only could think and see linear

 It's like a 3D-printer. It lays one layer over the other and not one of the layers is the same, but together it's one thing or product. If you look at the layers as if they apart from each other, without any relation with each other, it's logical nothing makes any sence and lying, manupulation, seeking atention for personal use ect., is in order instead of something else. If you put the layers over each other in a three dimensional picture, i'm almost sure it would have made perfect sence. But if you can't no-one is getting any futher and madness is popping in and it did

Do i make sence?