It feels as though I can change something . I can eat something I want to eat, I can do what I want, I control where I go but : no I do not , I would not choose things that are not pleasurable, I would not choose pain and Apparantly there is a lot of unpleasant emotion in me Here. I hate it, I want to push the unpleasantness away, it should not be here and yet it is and I make it bigger by fighting ... it is here , it thus has a right to existence or at least a space.. it hurts and being the hurt is the wish to actually keep the hurt and to stay 'me'.itll kill me or die, but either way I will die -- ranting , sorry. Words cannot express anything .
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