Author Topic: What's further  (Read 677 times)

Jed McKenna

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Re: What's further
« Reply #15 on: August 12, 2017, 01:52:34 am »
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El.H.

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Re: What's further
« Reply #16 on: August 12, 2017, 12:28:07 pm »
Yesterday was quite a calm day; I couldnít find my small private pool of fear (Iíd prefer it to be small). But I got the access now. Lots of links lead to one place Ė twisted nothingness. And all I was doing all my life is trying to overcome it using different ways. Now I have all those links alive. Do I have to cut them off, to pay certain attention? I guess yes, hate that.

I didnít want people to reflect my nothingness back to me, so it became twisted, secret, extremely wrong, other people (imagined people=I) were not allowed to know or to see it. I wasnít allowed. I was forbidden by me. Twisted.

...

Hey!  Your words about the Truth and Infinite Context were not just beautiful and comforting. Whatís the point to comfort someone? That was a pointer, silly me, took me 2 days). But why do you use capital letters? From my prospective itís more like nothing, I cannot pay attention to ďitĒ, I cannot think of ĎitĒ. Of course Iím in the middle of the process and canít see clearly. My guess is because it is the only ďthingĒ that exists, theoretically speaking.. Words about the Truth are always confusing me. And I know why: I think this I is a real me. Thatís why I couldnít accept it and had to reverse. It would lead to the greatest contradiction of all. But is it for me to decide? No. O, myÖ
« Last Edit: August 12, 2017, 04:55:50 pm by El.H. »

El.H.

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Re: What's further
« Reply #17 on: August 13, 2017, 09:42:22 am »
Reading instructions is not the same as acting.

Jed McKenna

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Re: What's further
« Reply #18 on: August 13, 2017, 11:59:53 pm »
Yup.... that recipe sure doesn't take like the cake.

Love ya, Jed.

El.H.

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Re: What's further
« Reply #19 on: August 14, 2017, 02:38:54 pm »
I mean I was reading all those books, accounts of the steps and taking descriptions for real things. Surprise! Real steps are not  like their descriptions, not close, even remotely. Yes, like the recipe and the cake. It is always stunning.

I got over the first shock, just wasnít prepared, no book can tell one about such things, even yours. Iím in a complete desert now. Dead me in a dead world. I really donít know what is my function here, ghost hunting? Seems like a proper job for a ghost. But not interested. Iím like a robot, feel numbness. I can find the only one desire - to get lost, disappear, and forget the horror that I called my life. Strange place to stay.
« Last Edit: August 14, 2017, 03:20:41 pm by El.H. »

Jed McKenna

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Re: What's further
« Reply #20 on: August 15, 2017, 03:16:54 am »
Strange indeed...

Now further...

Love ya, Jed.

El.H.

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Re: What's further
« Reply #21 on: August 15, 2017, 10:28:52 am »
An idea to stop occurs to me every day. Iím not than bold I wanted to be.

After knowledge addiction comes feeling addiction.
Now reality is in the feeling of being me. Overwhelming and crucifying. The feeling of reality is being confronted by the feeling of its falseness.  But I donít know who feels who or what feels what. I need to know that.
Ö
I feel something=I feel me, it canít be real. The 2 are not real, as simple as that. Another delirium. And what was all that? All the beauty? And all the ugliness of course. The whole dimension of the world?  I donít know what is it. I just canít believe it. Am I confusing and fooling myself, convincing myself that what I see is true? This is not good. Am I doing it right? Itís just an endless  maze with no way out. Hysteric doesnít help ever, I know.  Stop me if Iím wrong, please.  I must be wrong.

Jed McKenna

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Re: What's further
« Reply #22 on: August 17, 2017, 01:12:49 am »
What is wrong?

Love ya, Jed.

El.H.

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Re: What's further
« Reply #23 on: August 17, 2017, 07:42:56 am »
What was wrong? Itís difficult to answer the question because today I do not see wrongness there.ĒIď feel ďsomethingĒ was impossible, only one of them must be real. The assumption had crushed. And Iím not upset any more about that when those two things arenít real, it fits my logic now.  Can I feel love? Yes, but feeling is more like a wind. There are some heavy parts of me with stiffened feelings, my past.  Do I need to do cleaning work? Or some dear  magic Fairy would melt them down for me?  I donít feel like doing this. Kind of digging through loads of junk.  Disgusting. Fairy would be good.

I feel fresh and ready to start a next line.
It is about the process of perception.  What is the simple structure of it?  I Ė perceiver, subject; something Ė perceived, object; and the process of perceiving Ė awareness of the two of them in series of moments Ė time, kind of sparks one after another.  One of them Ė I -  is superior.  With much fear attached to it. Is it okay for one part of the process to be superior? I donít know. But simple logic tells me that they are at the same area, what is superior or what is inferior there?  Could subject be more important?  I donít know, thatís just different parts of my mind.  How could one part of the mind be superior?  It hardly can.

Funny, but I arise in those sparks. Pulsating. Empty space between them.  Like symbols on the keyboard or on the page.  Another piece of fantasy.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2017, 08:48:50 am by El.H. »

Jed McKenna

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Re: What's further
« Reply #24 on: August 18, 2017, 02:58:54 am »
Just blah, blah.... when are you going to say something totally supercalifragalisticexpialidosious. I wait in patience.

Love ya, Jed.

El.H.

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Re: What's further
« Reply #25 on: August 18, 2017, 03:17:20 am »
I know. Sometimes I think that it's all I'm capable of - blah, blah). But I got the point.

El.H.

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Re: What's further
« Reply #26 on: August 18, 2017, 11:24:50 am »
I was really angry for myself, nursing all that stuff.  Iíve been thinking and searching, searching and thinking . Iíve been everywhere; Iíve turned my brain inside out. And now I know for sure: Iím sorry to disappoint you, coach, but I have nothing to see there for more. Itís a plain and simple place, nothing is hiding there. So Iím going to go on running my poor little life in my tiny little brain and stop screwing it.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2017, 11:27:58 am by El.H. »

Jed McKenna

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Re: What's further
« Reply #27 on: August 19, 2017, 09:38:56 am »
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