Thank you Stanley. Got the comma thing, took a minute.
I get what you are saying is just what it is. I know a doctor who retired and (I'm sure he was a little unusual) his only comment was, ''I hope I helped more people than I killed''. I thought that was a wise POV. Those who think that everything appears perfect in this dream when T/R, they are not T/R. There is no perfect without and imperfect, and at the level of Truth, there is neither. Perfect/not perfect, fail/succeed, good/bad... these are all things of this dream, of duality, and totally 100% fictions. Your words are fine, they are just that, and I hallucinate that I understand your point view... and my words are equally fine, and there no such thing as fine or not-fine. Once again, all made up.
Maybe you are taking this human dream a little too seriously. I understand your responsibilites as a specialist and I am sure you have done much good and many patients are grateful, another made up condition of mind. Keep digging until you realize it's a waste of time and you give up. Every cell and neuron has to give up. Understanding is the booby prize and you are too smart to want that. One can go all the way with forgiveness and letting go. But finding a human who is prepared to geniunely forgive and let go of absolutely everything is pretty rare. My hope for you is that you are one of those.... and ''hope'' is also made up. All hope is false hope and sometimes false hope helps, but only in the dream. As the nursery rhyme goes, ''life is but a dream''.
Moby says it well:
Much love, Jed.