Author Topic: Hm  (Read 855 times)

Nor

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Hm
« on: May 13, 2017, 12:30:46 pm »
Hm. It was little bit surprising to receive a message that  invited me to join this forum. I thought to  have been banned. Did not think, was.
In the last months I did upset almost everyone. I will share very sad things. Of course it is only the story which does create suffering. Do you think that Crist when he was hunged on the Golgotta was thinking to himself: "Hey, this is just a story, it is an illusory happening?" To be honest it had to be so extremely painfull, to be having pierced the legs and the hands and than just to hang and to be like complete idiot hanging, condemned, judged, totally misunderstood. Poor guy. MAybe that God has sent him as His Son, but the part of the God who was son suffered too much. I do not identify with any figure which am describing and do not suffer with any kind of crist like complexes, ok. And I was not even born into christian family, was raised very atheistic / humanistic.
Ok, I will share this very bad story, something deeply belittling and humiliating, something, which is part of the experience of very hard core sect/cult I have been in. Or, this is how I do understand it for now. that it was sect/cult. And I went there voluntarily, gave there everything, and lost lot of things which did hardly sacrifixe, almost lost my dignity too, that which I do value the most. This story was something where my dignity was walked upon very badly, and I tried to make sense out of it for very long time. But it has no sense. There is no meaning in it probably. Till today I am receiving the informations about the leader of that group who is trying to have any information about me or turn my friends against me. Why he is doing that when I walked away, telling them that they are not my spiritual anything, and the guides not at all? Because themselves in deep ****, where they tried to guide us.
Why do I even have this in my head? What do I expect to have out of this by sharing it? To talk myself out? Well, my dog already listened. Yawned as a reply. She is just more advanced.
Ok. This is the story of Gabon. This is the story of the wood initiation. I thought to going to the initiation of last dance. Have done years of preparation for it. Would like to discern two things: the experience with the wood and the experience with the humans. Because the experience with the wood has been very clear, very deep. That what happened on the human level is something which leaved sorrow and bitterness in my heart and which almsot broke me as human being.
Before Gabon, there was this vision. Wait. What are the visions? Visions the way I do understand them, are still part of the field of projected conciousness. They are comming from the Heart which has no opposite in the dual mind/heart, the Heart which can not be ever broken. Visions are something which is not necessary to be stucked upon, those are just certain levels of signs or the way how let us say unconciousness talk to me in a way I can "get". Hhhhhh...
_____________________________________________
there was this beautifull indigenous girl, with longer brownish hair and with the skin as little bit darker than white, yet not brown. She had those beautifull, big Brown eyes, as if she would be looking into the Eternity by them. She was so natural, beautifull and inncoent. Suddenly, in those brown eyes, I started to see the Blue face. This Blue face has been in her eyes and she has been looking at the direction where this blue face has been. Slowly, this vision has changed. Was shifted into there where the girl was looking. There was this beautifull Blue man, he was Crist, and he was fully Blue. HE was around thirty of age, long blue hair, but otherwise looking very human. He came to me and he put his right hand on my shoulder. He looked upon my eyes and told me: "You are my sister". It was very touching because even though, I never was visiting the church and escaped the studies of theology, I never ever thoguht of Son of God as my brother, it would not even occur as a possibility He could see me as that. Slowly, he started to explain many things from life. After, he told towards me: "Yet, you did not go throughout everything" and he turned the way where I saw him on Golgotta. I saw him taking his Cross, walking, being crucified, in agony.... All of that I saw. I saw him on the Cross, I saw all of that suffering. HE just told me: This is still awaiting you, you did not go throughout everything yet.
It was very perplexing and very something which made me somewhat not put so much attention to as well. The vision was very short in the manners of the real time, if there is something as real time. but inside of the vision, it was very...it was not short at all. Very detailed.
----------------
Preparation to Africa were very tough and this was the first journey I had many fears about. Arguably. I lost everything before Africa in the manners of social position and there, my dignity and trust to people too.
Will try to write and explain the things which happened in Africa in like more articles. First, would be called "preparation to depart" second "preparation to go to the benzi house" third "in benzi house" four "initiation" fifth "week after the initiation" and the next would be about "the terrible three weeks" "the dream where Lama was giving his instruction" "the discern between the two things - inner experience and the true colours of those who thought to guide "me" " "the slap in the face" "how i almost got poisoned" and "the very very very bitter human end"
I am sorry that it is not easy to write in any case of shortcuts. Because there are many details which seem to be improtant and without their complexity it is not sure for me to somehow get over it in a sense of either full understanding or/and full forgiveness . Because till today there are certain little confusions which I still want to be clear off, but it is hard to clarify those without explaining them properly. My ability to work with the forums or with computers is very limited, as is my grammar. Please forgive me this. Thank you. I hope I can somehow reply on this article by positng next one. But, is there some limit of the words?




« Last Edit: June 12, 2017, 03:24:13 pm by ChrisTheSeeker »

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Nor

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Re: Hm
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2017, 02:00:48 pm »
Hm. I was supposed to post it maybe into the "Discussion" and I posted it into here. :(
This is not a Public notice of interest, sorry.

Nor

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Re: Hm
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2017, 03:07:15 pm »
Hi.
Thank you to anyone who reposted this post to General discussion.

Otherwise, I did not write for long time. Mainly because of the life has decided to squeeze me out of himself. Last week I was prescribed antibiotics on which I am alergic (I am suffocating after them), and I took them (Doctor did not tell me the contradiction). When I read the contradiction after the big physical reaction, I was like: "Hm, fine, I almost died on this at 2 years old, she gave it to me again". Doctor of course denied her fault, even its transparently exposed. I am realising one thing. There are many situation in life, which are clearly tell it - responsibility of someone else, in this case the doctor. But doctor became self defensive and blamed me for not informing her about my alergy (But it is being written in my documentation). I just realised, I stopped fighing. For justice or for anything. This is something which changed. I feel very self secure and have no need to be treated fairly anymore. I wrote her that truth has no need of self defense.

If surviving side effects will write - truth always deliver :) .


Jed McKenna

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Re: Hm
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2017, 10:51:31 pm »
 ;) ;) ;)

Glad to hear you are getting better.

Love ya, Jed.

Nor

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Re: Hm
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2017, 05:09:56 pm »
I am having lately lot of those suffocating feelings - medications help not.  It is very unpleasant feeling which wakes me up at night, not being able to breathe in. It has another level which feels like I am being stucked and inprisoned by the body. By the story, by the situation people believe I put myself in (I know it was so overwhelming I had "choice" in it as a falling leave in the wind, just surprised, observing. ) Before Africa I badly fallen down, was immovable and in semi/un-concious state lying down immovable, the physical pain too strong so fully disociated with the body - saw it from outside.  X-ray - born with spine issue. After Africa, for five months trying to get over unbelievably depictable human manners, there was time I was waking up in the middle of the night  -  "What have I done wrong for all that **** (from "others") having in my face?" True colours of everyone. 35 years of the wood did not make them honest. // Maybe that no breathing, no problem, but still it makes me little bit grumpy, when "I" wants to breathe, God laughs

Jed McKenna

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Re: Hm
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2017, 12:00:38 am »
Best wishes on your journey Nor.

Love ya, Jed.

Nor

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Re: Hm
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2017, 11:28:53 am »
Thank you. Now I know why the suffocating was happening - by wronlgy prescribed antibiotics which were including penicilin. Changed doctor who was pretty shocked to see what the former one has done. He told it was very core mistake to prescrbe to someone penicilin if there is this history of alergic reaction. I realised that everything came better when I was able to think philosophicaly: "Should I put a complain on the former doctor? Should not I warn other people? Shoul she continue her practise when she put me in danger?" I still do suffocate but much less. The intensity is not so big. At 2 years old, I ended up on infusion and antihistaminics - was thinking might have been my first spiritual initiation. No breath, no problem. So much panics around. I can not understand my former spiritual acquitances, and left most of the groups. Can not gather the satsangs and the meetings. MY dog seems as a most symphatetic guru. The fear of death is not relevant at the moment it is exchanged of the possible fear of the losing relative. Mind is a fear and if it does not fear death, it fears life. What with it?

Jed McKenna

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Re: Hm
« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2017, 12:27:18 am »
You're asking the wrong guy, I have trouble finding mine... mind that is... ::) ::) ::)
 
Love ya, Jed.

Nor

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Re: Hm
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2017, 12:00:51 pm »
Made me laugh. And reminded the self-portrait I made of me without the brain, desperately searching for it, could not find. An idea was that its impossible to find a brain without the brain, or to reconnect the brain without himself. I wanted to join a church, because I felt very lonely after the six months of total devastation when I tried to get over the cult. The only thing I realised was that my motivation to go to initiation in Africa was to get over trauma, yet I was re-traumatized in very hard core way. the mind control, the deceit and the exploitation, abuse and the cult --leader attempts to control and defame me - and me losing all the false friends which were connected to this. I was surrounded as BB told by many hungry ghosts in one and half year, I just felt lonely and nobody else was showing up. I will have life consequence from the cult. I do not know how to deal with this loneliness. Nor was my donkey but he not here now :( To deprogram from the cult and to not be hurt by all the defaming attempts, I dont know how.  ??? ??? ;D

Jed McKenna

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Re: Hm
« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2017, 09:14:36 pm »
Thanks for sharing. Sounds like quite a pickle... but it's all meaningless blah blah, the real you cannot be hurt or defamed in anyway. Find that real you and all will end... and I mean ALL.

Love ya, Jed.

Nor

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Re: Hm
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2017, 03:27:23 pm »
Thank you. For very long time, I have been asking myself: Why? Why me? Why all that had to happen? Sounds like a self pity, unless you are waking up at night for few months, the eyes full of tears, crying throughout the dreams. Some people tell me: "you lacked discernment about them." "You were too trusting." Others: "I would never put myself in that situation". But I truly did not see their true colours in one year with them, only in Africa. I had there dream where Lama told me that it takes years to test and accept the true disciple and student (mutualy, both sides need to test.) Those were truly tricky and smart in covering their true motives. How could have I discern that? Could Crist control his own crucifixion? The tricky part was that the experiences on the wood are truly explanatory, it is seducing to connect them with the one who crafts the wood. The ability of the craftmen is independent from their character, realisation and from the experience of eating their wood. They only knew how not to kill us. I need to forgive and understand. No meaning in abuse, didnt find  because.  :( ??? :(

Jed McKenna

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Re: Hm
« Reply #11 on: June 27, 2017, 11:42:05 pm »
Be patient and forgive yourself first.

Love ya, Jed.

Nor

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Re: Hm
« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2017, 03:28:06 pm »
:(((
I had to decide over the life of my best friend. I had three choices. 1.) let her bleed out 2.) give her an euthanasia 3.) decide for a surgery. During the surgery, the second call from surgeon, she had a tumour on the livers, pancreas, and others. The surgeon asked me what do I want them to do?

What kind of human am I?

She did not want me to go to Africa. When I packed my luggage, for first time she lied down over all of them.


Another very mysogynyc shaman was once upset with me and told: "No wonder she lives only with a dog."

 But  never met a human with such  a great qualities. No gurus or shamans have met an ideal, which is between a quality of donkey's humility  and of faithfulness of good dog.

She was suffering for months, yet not showing any pain and helping me to survive. She helped me not to kill myself yet I had to decide to let them kill her. :( :( :(

------ decisions / .... / who?

I no longer feel a pity about the suffering in third world countries.  I see hungry African child - and understand why.


Jed McKenna

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Re: Hm
« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2017, 12:08:56 am »
 ;) ;) ;)

Nor

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Re: Hm
« Reply #14 on: September 03, 2017, 02:32:12 pm »
I have got a new puppy.
Her name is Little Rose. She is Portugese water dog.

I will, as well, most likely go for a surgery in few weeks. I told to my parent that it would be better not to wake up from it than to see all the human ass-faces.

To be honest deep disapointment from misusive shamanism, (btw. the African shamans were judged by the French court and they requested me - after repetitive humiliation and incredible misuse, to help them to clean their reputation! sorry but what the heck? what kind of mind someone has to be able to do this, trying to manipulate me into the belief that this will help all their community???)

Any way the wounds from the sect misuse are very discomforting and giving me ability to lose hope. Like the character of those and one other shamans  has disapointed me so much, so much comercialism and bad, self serving motives. I was told to be lucky to go from there alive, but in which price? IT is like walking out foothless and faithless.

Little Rose came to  computer and tried to rewrite this post. She ate my new book on surrender completely