INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

How else could a book and ''surrender'' end up?

Love ya, Jed.

You created it all... so what are you going to learn from it all.

Love ya, Jed.

The first thing to do is shut up... stop talking and stop telling people what is real for you. Don't worry, you won't explode... and, this may come as a blow, but no one cares what you think, especially when it's not what they think.

Love ya, Jed.

Thanks for sharing Nor.

Best wishes for the future.

Love ya, Jed.

The midnight turned here, two posts in one hour but two days.
In about 33 hours I go for this big surgery. IT is funny you tell me stop talking. Was alone for five months, talking only to my puppy. When last time a person told me "I do not care what you think of them", it has been a woman who has been used by the African-French  man to blackmail me (they sold me something, after stole it from me and after wanted half of the money for using it). Or, when someone tells me: "It is all just your mind". Those phrases are usually used when someone just disagrees with me.
It might have been easier to commit suicide (And I know I am going to lose a lot of blood and will need transfusion), sometimes I was thinking might be better not to wake up from the surgery. Yes, I can not tell doctors what I think (about the bleeding), they will be surprised.
Friend visited me and told that what I describe about the Africa seems like lot of gaslighting happened there - why someone tries to break ego of someone else by making them to doubt themsleves, their sanity, their self worth, to break their spirit. Yes, they as well did not care what I thought, but it did not break me fully. Because the dignity is untouchable.
I am sorry but this post is longer. Will not be on the internet long time.  I was just thinking, if the anestheziologist can switch off the body, who am I? Who are all those experiences? What if I will be able to see the surgery from the perspective of "conciousness"? I do not want to hear all the comments of the doctors.  It would have been easier simply to wake up in heaven, and not here between people I do not like and they do not understand me, and therefore repetitively mistreated me. MY mum told that I am full of self pity, but what. Really often ask myself, why this had to happen to me, what have I done to whom?
I was thinking that it is possible that the reason of msitreatment might be this wierd way of smartness which creates lot of insecurity. When I was 13 they found something and for 3 weeks tested, mainly iq. Not in the psychic ward, but in the diagnostic centre. Did not tell me result unless many years later. I thought I failed, I thought was stupid. They did not tell, because were too high. Till today I feel ashamed to tell the result. "We needed to cover it up, it was way too high and you were a girl from poor and broken family." IF the inteligence  and potential is given into the circumstances where nobody cares of it, than there is no need for it to continue, because it will only get destroyed by the relatively separated minds. So, if there is no reason for it because of them, and not because of me, there is no reason for it, at all.

This surgery has been the most brutal thing i ever experienced.
They had a problem to put me INTo narkosis and even bigger problem to wake me Up after.
I was sort of predicting this But could not tell to anyone.
After i was sent from icu to after care room and they took opiates away i told that it was a joke to wake me Up. You also dont wake Up the cow in the middle of the butchery .
I regret i signed the papers who agreed with those cuts. Better let the nature tô do Its way. No need to save human for all cost.
i had a very funny experience during the narkosis.
I did not tell tô the doctors.
It was very freeing. Black world. After was a nothing world. No me world. Was very cool. Soaking itself in . Black hole.

After they yell at me: "open your eyes, open your eyes!!! "

And this place soaking everything in. And Its very free ing from itself from everything.

I heard voices: nurse: "i dont have time tô wait for everyone tô take só long tô wake up from narkosis"
Anestheziologist (young) : "shut up, this normal with some people"
Anestheziologist (old) : "we have tô wake her stronger , or there Will be problem"
Nurse : " she is such a psycho"

This i hear only like in background But mainwhile this nothing place embrace me. Like soaks me. I hear them and than i dont hear them. Its like off and on.

After they told me that i was so upset when they woke me Up so i Started to sit down and looked like i am going to walk away from them.

Nurse was totally upset.

Docent who did surgery was patiently observing and old anesteziologist one was at first very soft and after very very loud. This i dont rěmember only heard.

The trip on ICU the opiates was good one.
I hear the upset nurse complaining to other nurses: "she just psycho she took so long to wake Up" the first what anyone tell me was this nurse ; "you problematic look on other patients they took a while to wake Up" ****.

After i observe the other nurses. They clean "my body" and its all like it happens to someone else. I came back and off to this nothing trip on the icu on the opiates But the narkosis nothing trip was stronger. Was very vivid nothing place soaking itself in. At first there was a black world. After there was a nothing world. There was no me no nothing.

After i hear old anesthesiologisrs calling me name: "wake Up"!!!

I dont have world counter.

I was very upset when they took me off the opiates. On them i had a dream i was flying as a bird. The result of the surgery were my wings.

But after i was not able to do even single step even to move from the bed. I felt handicáped. Upset to waken Up to the body. Crying because of physical pain and very full power pain. Like even the legs  not listening.

Doctor asked me Why are you crying? I was like thinking: @you ask me. Take me from this nothing place to this hell of physical pain and telling me i cant be more on opiates and the pain killers you give me just a little and it does not function ...
And i cant even explain you what happened. 🤥

Thank you.
Physical pain has taught me to see things from another perspective. Leaving the hospital (or running from the butcher act, so to feel), whatever I did , whatever technic (vipassana etc) -- all was just not to feel the pain, but nothing could stop it. As well it used to be funny to have a clear comprehension that this body does not limit me, but how much attached I used to be to its previous, not so destroyed look of it. where used to be shapes, there is one, big, ugly and owfull cut. Stitches. Brrrr.
No longer being sad because of the selfish, narrowminded and opportunistic attitudes of so many of mainstream Gurus, shamans and all those kind of bastards. If there were some faults in me, it was, because I have been too kind, too naive, too trusting. No giving single penny for truth anymore to anyone. However scary and ufnortunate my situation is, I have clean conscience.
I see my hands as not mine. I see this body walking. But it all has very inpersonal shades.
Maybe I have been stick on fighting for justice - is not in this world. Was simply mistreated, that is all.

Donkeys don't have ego... or, I don't think they do.

Love ya, Jed.