Hm. It was little bit surprising to receive a message that invited me to join this forum. I thought to have been banned. Did not think, was.
In the last months I did upset almost everyone. I will share very sad things. Of course it is only the story which does create suffering. Do you think that Crist when he was hunged on the Golgotta was thinking to himself: "Hey, this is just a story, it is an illusory happening?" To be honest it had to be so extremely painfull, to be having pierced the legs and the hands and than just to hang and to be like complete idiot hanging, condemned, judged, totally misunderstood. Poor guy. MAybe that God has sent him as His Son, but the part of the God who was son suffered too much. I do not identify with any figure which am describing and do not suffer with any kind of crist like complexes, ok. And I was not even born into christian family, was raised very atheistic / humanistic.
Ok, I will share this very bad story, something deeply belittling and humiliating, something, which is part of the experience of very hard core sect/cult I have been in. Or, this is how I do understand it for now. that it was sect/cult. And I went there voluntarily, gave there everything, and lost lot of things which did hardly sacrifixe, almost lost my dignity too, that which I do value the most. This story was something where my dignity was walked upon very badly, and I tried to make sense out of it for very long time. But it has no sense. There is no meaning in it probably. Till today I am receiving the informations about the leader of that group who is trying to have any information about me or turn my friends against me. Why he is doing that when I walked away, telling them that they are not my spiritual anything, and the guides not at all? Because themselves in deep ****, where they tried to guide us.
Why do I even have this in my head? What do I expect to have out of this by sharing it? To talk myself out? Well, my dog already listened. Yawned as a reply. She is just more advanced.
Ok. This is the story of Gabon. This is the story of the wood initiation. I thought to going to the initiation of last dance. Have done years of preparation for it. Would like to discern two things: the experience with the wood and the experience with the humans. Because the experience with the wood has been very clear, very deep. That what happened on the human level is something which leaved sorrow and bitterness in my heart and which almsot broke me as human being.
Before Gabon, there was this vision. Wait. What are the visions? Visions the way I do understand them, are still part of the field of projected conciousness. They are comming from the Heart which has no opposite in the dual mind/heart, the Heart which can not be ever broken. Visions are something which is not necessary to be stucked upon, those are just certain levels of signs or the way how let us say unconciousness talk to me in a way I can "get". Hhhhhh...
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there was this beautifull indigenous girl, with longer brownish hair and with the skin as little bit darker than white, yet not brown. She had those beautifull, big Brown eyes, as if she would be looking into the Eternity by them. She was so natural, beautifull and inncoent. Suddenly, in those brown eyes, I started to see the Blue face. This Blue face has been in her eyes and she has been looking at the direction where this blue face has been. Slowly, this vision has changed. Was shifted into there where the girl was looking. There was this beautifull Blue man, he was Crist, and he was fully Blue. HE was around thirty of age, long blue hair, but otherwise looking very human. He came to me and he put his right hand on my shoulder. He looked upon my eyes and told me: "You are my sister". It was very touching because even though, I never was visiting the church and escaped the studies of theology, I never ever thoguht of Son of God as my brother, it would not even occur as a possibility He could see me as that. Slowly, he started to explain many things from life. After, he told towards me: "Yet, you did not go throughout everything" and he turned the way where I saw him on Golgotta. I saw him taking his Cross, walking, being crucified, in agony.... All of that I saw. I saw him on the Cross, I saw all of that suffering. HE just told me: This is still awaiting you, you did not go throughout everything yet.
It was very perplexing and very something which made me somewhat not put so much attention to as well. The vision was very short in the manners of the real time, if there is something as real time. but inside of the vision, it was very...it was not short at all. Very detailed.
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Preparation to Africa were very tough and this was the first journey I had many fears about. Arguably. I lost everything before Africa in the manners of social position and there, my dignity and trust to people too.
Will try to write and explain the things which happened in Africa in like more articles. First, would be called "preparation to depart" second "preparation to go to the benzi house" third "in benzi house" four "initiation" fifth "week after the initiation" and the next would be about "the terrible three weeks" "the dream where Lama was giving his instruction" "the discern between the two things - inner experience and the true colours of those who thought to guide "me" " "the slap in the face" "how i almost got poisoned" and "the very very very bitter human end"
I am sorry that it is not easy to write in any case of shortcuts. Because there are many details which seem to be improtant and without their complexity it is not sure for me to somehow get over it in a sense of either full understanding or/and full forgiveness . Because till today there are certain little confusions which I still want to be clear off, but it is hard to clarify those without explaining them properly. My ability to work with the forums or with computers is very limited, as is my grammar. Please forgive me this. Thank you. I hope I can somehow reply on this article by positng next one. But, is there some limit of the words?