You are looking for something to be the way you expect it to be... but you have no way of knowing how it is. Expectation that something is this way or that are sufficient to block the view of what is. I grant you that I, and others, set you up for such expectations, but in a way the are only to get you started on you specific journey. They are a number of ''route'' up every mountain, but only one peak and that is what we all seek in our own way. What worked for me might not work for you. To see the path more clearly, drop expectations as best you can. Just let it all be as it appears to be and never, ever believe it.
Love ya, Jed