Author Topic: how to move from here?  (Read 1363 times)

jjtech

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how to move from here?
« on: October 20, 2016, 03:56:05 pm »

I was just about to ask if it's possible to achieve ha being in relationship but realized it doesn't matter. Every question I think of stops making sense once I write it down. I figured if I somehow take this "first step" that it won't matter either way -- realtionship or not -- I will simply do what's right. 

I have a little problem with ha - is it something that happens AFTER the "first step"? ... or before? Or it's unrelated?

Sometime ago you asked me what I want. I thought it's tr, but I can't want it. How could I? All I know is what I don't want. 
I'm a bit confused -- there is nothing to strive for because I can't see the sense in anything. I can't just go on and "make career" in life because it makes the same sense to me as not making it.

I see unhappiness in every happiness to the point where they merge into one thing.

So if unhappiness and happiness are the same thing, and love and hate are the same thing, than what can ever make sense? I can't seem to unlock this door. Going to work and not going to work and starving make the same sense. None. And at the same time, whatever I will do, will be the right thing to do. No difference. Saving the whale makes the same sense as butchering it. I see people killed in Syria, or wherever, and can't see anything wrong with that.

And... at the same time I feel completely full of ****. What to do if it makes no difference what I do?

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Jed McKenna

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2016, 02:44:31 am »
Dear JJ:

O.K. Time to get you head our of your you-know-what. How do you know that people are being killed in Syria? What do you know from whales? Wait a minute, I get it, your are believing that little rectangular display, that's it, isn't it?

Go swim with whales (I have in my youth) and go to Syria (passed through many years ago). Then you might know a little more about what you are hallucinating. I'd say the first step for you is yet to be taken. Stop feeding your non-existent brain with other peoples manure. Find out your own experiences and take them for what they actually are. Watching a screen is not an experience for you, it's a deep and very powerful hypnotic induction. 

I am dead serious about this. Time to grow up. What are you experiencing right now? No stories or concepts about your experiences, forget you memories, what are you directly experiencing now?

Love ya, Jed

P.S. Don't believe this screen either. Go out and do it.
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jjtech

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2016, 06:29:36 am »
Thanks Jed,

Yes - I have no idea if Syria even exists... and I've never seen the whale..

I'm experiencing chaos (random thoughts running in different directions - I have no better way to describe it).  I am addicted to online pornography and decided to stop it, and it's my 17th day without it and struggling with so-called "urges" - persistent flashes of erotic scenes from random videos I've seen over the years. Even while I write it I see those images in the background...

 Can't see beyond that. The closest description of my overall state would be  "voluntary slave".

And at this very second I feel like crying and screaming. My heart weights two tonnes

Jed McKenna

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2016, 09:35:10 am »
Don't resist or attempt to change that weight in your heart. Just be with it as best you can.

Love ya, Jed.

jjtech

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2016, 01:36:15 pm »
Thank you Jed,
I will take it seriously.

J

Jed McKenna

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2016, 12:08:18 am »
Best wishes,

Love ya, Jed.

jjtech

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2016, 07:32:17 pm »
I can't see anything bad in anything. Things seem to fall into place just perfectly.

I'm still a stupid addicted idiot, but it doesn't seem very important anymore.
Whenever I get "lost" in the forest, I refuse to use maps.... even though the urge to do this can be strong....  And I always get to where I want. I go on my bike with low fuel, and the petrol station is right there, at the exact time I need it. I get green lights 90% of the time, even the money seem to come to me... I call it "divine navigation". Before, I used to plan everything, look up the maps, prepare. I seem to be just flowing through things now, so I guess it's a "progress".
I stayed with my heavy heart a few times, but the heaviness seems to go away once observed up close. Or maybe it stops bothering me. Don't know which.

Also, my ambitions seem to fall away. I don't see the point in anything. I don't know why I'm doing this or that - I just do. Sometimes this state falls away and panic returns, but even this is ok. 
I'm playing with the flowers at the side of the road

Jed McKenna

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #7 on: October 27, 2016, 01:47:20 am »
Sounds just fine to me.


Love ya,  Jed.

jjtech

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2016, 08:57:15 am »
This whole thing moved from some spirutual level to a very practical one. There is no grand idea behind it - it's just fun and makes life easier... to actually not change anything and let it flow the way it flows. Which it will anyway. I'm still learning it, playing with it.

Were those things happening to me before and I haven't noticed them? People, me included, usually find smart explanation for such "coincidences". But there are too many to ignore - I think I will put this on paper to see more clearly.

The thought is: this isn't real. My mind is making things appear and disappear. and if so, they can't be real in the "outside" sense (outside of what?). It feels very much like lucid dreaming. Not always, but often enough.

Jed McKenna

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2016, 02:05:57 am »
Just stick with it, and further.... of course.

Love ya, Jed.

jjtech

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2016, 08:22:19 am »
I'm scared to death

Jed McKenna

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #11 on: October 28, 2016, 08:35:58 am »
Excellent, but  really only an expression because you are still alive. I doubt that the fear can kill you because you have never been more dead than you are right now. Bring it on, encourage it... just for the hell of it.

Love ya, Jed.

jjtech

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #12 on: October 28, 2016, 09:19:09 am »
Last couple of weeks my world is upside down.
Everything disintegrates. No goals, no plans, nothing... just some loose remains, temptations.
I thought Ihave connection with people - I don't. I'm always and outsider pretending that he's someone else.
I do not understand people anymore.
there is this girl in my life - and I'm trying to tell her she's trying to get into relationship with a dead corpse. I can't give her love - I do not understand what that is.

I don't know what to say.

this animal that is inside of me can;t be killed.... I can't return to where I was, but also I can't seem to move further. I'm stuck, just a wall
I don't evem know what is talking to you now.... I destroy everything around me and have nothing to show for it.

jjtech

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #13 on: October 28, 2016, 09:31:35 am »
just give me something real I can hold in my hand

jjtech

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Re: how to move from here?
« Reply #14 on: October 28, 2016, 09:34:57 am »
jesus christ there is no hand to hold it.....