I can't write anything honestly because the only thing I'm concerned about is reaction of the recipent.
I have no idea who/what is really talking to you now, but this thing is not honest.
I seem to have some sort of an internal censorship, so everytime there seem to be some "honest insight" it will get censored and transformed into a lie on the way out. Even now, saying this, I'm still lying. Expecting some positive reaction. I don't know how to trick this censor and actually articulate what I want. True is I don't know what I want.
To be honest, I''ve never said anything that is "true" in my life.
I have only beliefs - that one system is better than the other, or one writer is "better" than the other, or one sports team is "better" than the other.
So I'm kind of loosing interest in talking.
If I could shut the internal dialogue in one simple cut, I probably would. But this internal blabbering just goes on and on, like some acid jazz music I can't stop. I'm not saying it's good or bad - just that I have no control over it.
I have no control over nothing.
If something can be "mostly true" or "a little bit true" or "less of a lie" -- than I'm good at it. But deep inside I know that with true/false is a bit like with being pregnant. Can't be a little bit pregnant, or less or more pregnant.
So I'm struggling to actuallly articulate anything.
Also, I want to "grow up" and be an adult... but as long as it costs me nothing. I want it to be given to me on a silver platter.
I don't even know what I'm doing here. Who is trying to have dialogue with who?
Ah, and this Maharaj guy you recommended me, I truly hate him. Once he said the word "love" I was ready to go. I don't understand what that means and I never did. My mum loves me but she let me suffer because she didn't want her neighbours to think bad about here..... I lost the meaning of the word.