INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Thank you Jed for creating this place.
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I am at a strange place which is neither awakening nor human adult that you described in your 3 books.

Sorry about my poor English so I use easy words to describe what I am.

I don't write much.

I have gave up reading any book for about 1 or 2 years because I am not quite satisfy for those words in books. Jiddu Krishnamurti, Nisargadatta Maharaj are good, but not good enough. Not sure, but they are talking the same thing, I've already "know" it too much, I don't need more. I am just tired about knowing any 1 more word about that. And on the other hand, they talk too much about it but not much on the ego.

I dive into my ego, watch, watch and watch. And I reach and stuck at a place that maybe, I guess, not described in any books.

Not enlightenment I am sure, but not human adulthood I guess (since I am not quite sure that it is).

Since I don't read anymore, so what I can do is only to believe what I see, rely on what I am experiencing.

To not be misleading, I am not at a wonderful land, I am not getting better or at any sage state. I'm just the old me.

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I am not trying to turn off the ego, since I am it and I am still alive, and it makes no sense to turn off the ego.

So from that, I keep asking myself, what I am really want?

Everyday, I watch very carefully and try to understand me and then create good new idea to cheer myself, and for the next day, I find 'bad ideas'  and then feel sad to  turn down those new finding good ideas, then I forget it.

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Maybe I am wasting my time. I don't want enlightenment because I don't know anything about it. I can only pursue what I can pursue.

So I create a framework, that is basically constructed by what I see and by what I found what works in my experience. And then from that framework I pursue "free thinking way".


Not seeking to be smarter, but I am seeking a way that I can see clearly my thoughts and not fooled by them. And from that  I can change my thought, refocus, and make it fun and playful.


I am doing that because I do not deny the ego. I think the only problem of it is not "it is bad", but I don't know ego much.

It is really hard because no any book are talking about that. (And all saints are not interest in it.)


So I can only rely on myself. I keep experiment and observe myself.


I am not trying to restate what I've found. So short for that:

I spend few months to flatten the gaps between me and the 'core idea hide behind my ego'. In this way I can directly access 'What I am really thinking about' easily. In short - to be honest to myself.

From that basis, I start to pursue "free thinking"

It is really hard and a big work since I have to experiment while keep asking 'what is behind that pursuing free thinking?'. You know, it is impossible to really free our thoughts. But I don't find a better word. I want my thought to be playful, vivid and can be easily re-directed.

And I use the imagination as a method to change the inertia of the thoughts.

It works but the only problem is that I cannot 24/7 to watch my thoughts. Most of my time, I am like a zombie without knowing what I am thinking.

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This is what and where I am.

Those are my shares and thanks for reading that!


Aldway

Thank you Jed,


Apparently I do not perceive all my thoughts, or I'd noticed them but did not pay attention to them.

So here is my question:
Is it possible to aware all my thoughts by practice?

Hello Jed,

This is what I see by practicing watching my thoughts:


memory -> reaction -> create story -> (back to memory)

This high-frequency looping forms a dream, most of my time is that I live in such a dreamstate.
If truth-realization means tuning into some frequency, then such dreamstate is a very narrow frequency band.
I am confused why I can live in such narrow space.

That is not fun at all!


Next is my question.

when I see the loop, actually there is no "I" exists.
That is, "I" don't exist in that loop.

If "I" can aware of the loop, then I can change the momentum, create new funny things, like a lucid dream.

what is that "I", is it different from "ego"?

 I find a funny way to watch my thoughts.



After set timer, close my eyes, I start to watch my thoughts,


Besides let the thoughts to speak by their own, I also 'listen' to them.I guess this is the key point that different from normal thinking (zombie state).

So here is the funny part: If I forget to listen to the thoughts, I transform my thoughts into rap, although I know nothing about rap.

In this way the thoughts are no more thoughts, but songs, music, tempo, voice.

Add to that, I found when I do that, I become less care about whether the thoughts are right or false, I just follow them.
 
I am glad I do that since what I really want is not about letting ego die, but let ego play, cooperate with others.

Hello Jed,

I observe that there's a tendency that I am transforming myself into a more focused state.

But this focused state is not deliberately made.

There is a disavantage of such state.

• The ego is 'separated' like puddles on the drying river bed. Sometimes my consciousness/focus cannot swim from one puddle to another since they are separated. So the result is that I often forget about what I am thinking of, talking of, trying to do something from last second. Too easy to forget things.
  

Don't know why I was guided into such state, so far I do not see any obvious advantage about it. Maybe to achieve what I want, it is necessary?

The following is what I am keep doing:

• Write 2 pages (in a strange form) a day of my thoughts such that I can see them clearly and let they turn around.
• Close my eyes, let my voice of thoughts out, and notice them for 10mins x 2.

Not know what I am trying to express, but those are so far what I am.


Best regards,
Aldway

Hello Jed,

I see that the thoughts are bound with emotions.

When the emotion is aware and I guess maybe I can think 'outside' from the emotion, where the old pattern of thoughts resides at.

The open mind.


But that finding above maybe faded away tomorrow if that really is not matter at all.

Keep going, continue, never ends.



You know, my only problem here, is that I can't keep any finding, theory, or even a method.

They are not important at all.



I hate that what I can do is forget anything I keep, and keep walking to nowhere.


My invisible guru tells me, all I need is don't lie myself, don't hide anything.

If there's a rule then this is it.


F.uck that

Wait till tomorrow and see.

Love ya, Jed.

As usual, the answer is in your question.... I cannot enjoy those things, so dump the I and the sting will be gone.

Love ya, Jed.