Author Topic: I don't Feel Tardy  (Read 177 times)

the mom

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I don't Feel Tardy
« on: October 23, 2014, 10:18:22 pm »
I don't feel like me.  I'm bunched up and inside out, but not - that's confusing.  I feel crazy and calm at the same time.  I'm a bundle of nerves and stuff just flies out of my mouth.  It's like the thought is there and I think I'm thinking it, but it's coming out of my mouth.  I don't know what to do.  I get up, take care of my daughter and family, do the mom and wife thing, go to work, get things done and yet....I feel like I'm walking around outside of myself looking in.  I feel like I was dismembered and then put back together and I'm trying to get back into my skin, knowing it's a waste of my time.  This body doesn't feel like mine, like it belongs to someone else, not me.  It makes me think of Frankenstein's Monster - this isn't me, but this is me because I see the hand attached to the arm and so on.  But is it really me?  Do you think he ever wondered where his hands came from?  I don't think so.

My favorite thoughts are "I don't care" or "I don't have an opinion and I don't want one".  I'm thinking this while someone is talking to me and find I have to ask them to repeat what they said because all I've heard is "Blah, blah, blah - when will they stop talking - blah blah blah".  I'm not interesting or interested, much.  I was once.  No, I really wasn't - I just knew how to command an audience.  Now, I just want to run away screaming, "Can't you see, what you you're talking about is NOTHING?!?"  "What you're saying is insignificant and meaningless."  I'm trying to behave, but I can't.  I can't have conversations with people anymore, it's pointless.  I find myself nodding, smiling, telling them how nice they look, exchange pleasantries then run fast and far.  I don't need a response to this, because I know I'm rambling.  And God knows, I don't need more thoughts on the subject - I've had enough of that.  I know where I am and what I'm going through, how I got here and where I'm going.  No more questions or answers, just trying to acclimate.

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Jed McKenna

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Re: I don't Feel Tardy
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2014, 11:41:52 pm »
Dear M;

Well done. Now that you have scrapped the garbage off I won't pile any more on.... well, other than to say, remember to breathe and be gentle on yourself and others. It's challenging, but you are up to it otherwise it would not be. Welcome home.

Love ya, Jed.