Jed...
I want to tell you about what happened the last week. So I wanted to do it step by step, just like you described it: Collecting all concepts and dismiss them, and then totally release control. But the last step was always itching in my mind. It was swirling around as if it was saying "Come on, dude. You know that all concepts are imagined by you and can therefore only be false. Just surrender already". Like I knew that this was necessary but wanted to kill time and delay it. And of course the whole brain thing was just another story. It's really funny how the mind can be so convincing, even if the same mechanism has been seen through in other areas... "Ok, I admit it! All these other concepts where really lies! But this one...this one is true, I promise!"
I can't describe what happened then, but it was as if I imploded and sucked into a vacuum, but without the vacuum. Just nothing. It wasn't spectacular at all, more like "Oh..." Before that, I heard that the true self is no self/nothing of course. But up to this moment there was a sort of "witness identity". Even this vanished. I mean, what did I expect? Guess what, it is REALLY nothing! The person I always thought of as me was suddenly like a stranger. "Jan" was just a process running without me anywhere to be found, even the most intimate sense of me was part of this mechanism. The nature of awareness was revealed as NOTHING! and as that what is.. seeing, hearing, touching, etc. are all subtle conceptualizations in a sense and not true.
This was three days ago.
Yesterday my perspective shifted. I was sitting down and asked myself "Ok, what is absolutely true right now? If the truth is always here, it has to be here now and I can realize it". After a while my room started to look like a exhibit room of a museum "This is how the room of Leonardo Da Vinci looked like" where everything was placed carefully with absolute detail, but at the same time it is intentioned to look as if Leonardo had just left and was out eating. Only this time it's "This is the experience of being Jan in his room, and this is his story and the contextual framework: [insert thoughts/memories here]. I realized then that my whole life is really a complete fiction. Completely impersonal, as if this experience is one of infinite experienes. It is not really Jan writing a text right now, but only the appearance or a simulation of it in a sense.. Like it's not real, but also real at the same time because it has no context of a "more real" thing. Felt like I was going insane.
I have now dropped out of this to an extent. But not really... It is a weird sphere between two completely different paradigms/worlds. The person still has a sort of gravitanional energy that pulls "me" back into the story. When I was completely disidentified, I wondered how I could ever belief to be the person. It was so simple and unspectacular. And now im in a weird state of knowing that I'm a complete farce, and how stressfull and frustrating this lie is, but still back in the gravitanional pull. The causality of appearant events in time is so convincing that it keeps me enmeshed in the story and memories of the character. Maybe the releasing control and resigning part is a learning process... I also don't have direct awareness of what lies outside of my experience. The whole "everything" and "infinite vastness" thing. That would add a space-like dimension to reality or awareness. But it is just nothing... And everything? I can see that it's everything experience-wise. It is of course every experience, but what is "everything" beyond experience? And what seperates the experience of [Jed reading Jan] and [Jan reading Jed]?
What am I missing? It feels so "done", but there are still certain uncertainties.