Author Topic: It is starting  (Read 2466 times)

BreakingOut

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It is starting
« on: February 04, 2018, 01:38:03 pm »
Hello,

I just finished reading the 3 books and found this forum. I am really happy that it exists, that there is a place where madmen like us can share their findings. Thank you Jed for the books and for this forum.

So, reading the books, I was wondering - do I want to find out the truth, actually? Do I want to start the process if it feels like slicing your own flesh, piece by piece, with all of the pain going through it? Why would anyone want to do that?

But it seems that  I just can't let it go and return to the ignorant life. To forget all of this and pretend to be a person.  I want to know what actually exists, or doesn't exist. Even if the price is everything. It's not that my life is bad...actually, it is really nice. Really a happy dream. I have a good job, good relationship with friends and family, love nature, animals. It is all good and  I enjoy it. But I know that there is something more. I want to find out. I want to know, for the sake of the discovery itself. Is that good enough motivation? Intellectual curiosity? On one place in the book Jed you say that nobody would do it if they are not in a real pain in this human-form. That they just wouldn't be motivated enough to get through. But to me it seems like the most interesting thing you can do in life. The real adventure! I don't know what would I rather spend my life on if not on finding out the truth. That is why I decided to start doing spiritual autolysis, and what's the better place to do it then this.

So, thank you so much for this opportunity.

Love
« Last Edit: February 10, 2018, 06:48:01 am by BreakingOut »

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Jed McKenna

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2018, 01:40:34 am »
Thank you for your post. Sounds like you are pretty sensible. I suggest you just continues gently with your S/A. Becoming a human adult (H/A) is an excellent thing to do first. You can expect plenty of push-back from those around you as you move forward. I highly suggest you keep you journey to yourself...(trust me on that one).

Write here anytime.

Love ya, Jed

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2018, 10:53:11 am »
It is kind of surreal getting an answer from THE Jed! Too bad I can't say it to anyone!  :D  :)

I actually have many friends that are also in the search for the Truth. Some more, some less seriously. One of them actually pointed me to your books. Would it be ok to discuss my process at least with that person, what do you think?

It is hard to go through all of this without commenting it with someone. But I can understand why it could be best to keep it for yourself. I tried to tell about it to some people and got pretty wierd looks so far... they do not find it so fascinating as I do, to say at least.

Anyhow, it means so much that I can communicate with you. Thank you so much for this.

Love
« Last Edit: February 10, 2018, 06:48:17 am by BreakingOut »

Jed McKenna

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2018, 12:04:16 am »
You raise a very important point... and I am going to come on pretty strong. The desire to discuss ''spiritual'' issues with other seekers is totally, 100 percent driven by Maya/ego. It is counter productive in the extreme. It's certainly human nature to want to talk about you interests, but trust me on this one..... shut up! The energy that urges you to talk is best spent in contemplation and S/A.

I never discuss such issues with those around me... only with my students and forum members.

Love ya, Jed.

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BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2018, 02:52:39 am »
Dear Diary,

Mr. McKenna said it would be best to shut up about the process so I guess that is a way to go if I want to find out. It is logical after all. It does posses a huge energy, the thought process that I have the urge to share to other "seekers" (from which many of them aren't real seekers, and I know it). And I feel that that energy gets released after talking. So, what would it mean to have all that energy channeled back into the real thing?

The thing is, maybe I am afraid to go so fast. Actually, I am afraid. I am afraid of many things, even though I always said that I despise fear...that I fear only the fear itself. But fear is also a cunning little thing. It lurks from the inside of the psyche and stopps us from going further.

But the fact is, I want to become empty. I don't know exactley why; especially after reading other people experiences of that emptyness. Many say it is not a thing you could wish for... it is not so motivating after all. But it does sound so LIGHT. You have no mass. No threads that are twisted inside you... You just cut all of this crap that anyway IS NOT YOU. So you become nobody, you just - go with the flow, should I say? Flow with the river, and not against it. Cause you don't have "you" to go against anything. This is how I imagine it.... you just feel the breeze. You are it. You hear the drums playing. You become that sound in that moment. You jump into the water and become one with it. Feel it in a way that no self could ever feel it. And you go like that through life, with no future, no past, just that reality that is around you in that exact moment. And THIS sound so attractive to me. That is why I want to go further even if it means slicing my own flesh. Maybe I have a romanticised view? I don't know, the point is that this life where I am a person is really becoming a drag. Too many things to worry about.

So what do I worry about? I will now list all the things that I can remember that I fear. To become super aware of them and to see them clearly when they block my road. At least those that are seen by the psyche eye for now:
I fear that my Mum is going to be sad if I go mad.
I fear that I will be lonley if I figure out that I am alone in this world.
I fear that the world will lose its meaning if I see it for what it is.
I fear that I will not be so happy with all of that.
I fear that I will become unmotivated to do my work if I find out what really is. I fear that I will not be so eager to help other people if I understood that they are all projections of my mind.
I fear taking stronger dose of psychedelics. Probably for the same reasons. I feel like a good psychonaut but that is not true. The thruth is that I actually always played it safe and didn't go beyond my limits. Maybe I shuld push that limits because in this way, this is where I get after all.
I fear that I may not be able to find a partner that suits me if I go so far. I see already that I am getting so different from people even now, when I just understand it conceptually. I feel less and less motivation to hang out with people. I just can't talk to them about anything that interests me. I can just listen to them talking, but what is the point? All that I get is their opinions, .... the opinions of ther masks. They don't even know themselves and they are talking and thinking it's something of a value. It is not. I can't see that value anymore.
If I don't get my partner, I fear that I won't have any babies in this life. That would be a shame. I always felt like I would be a good mama. I would like to produce a little human being and teach him/her something about the world. I think it would be a pretty cute endeavour. But again, I fear I could not do it if I become nobody? How can you be a mum and a nobody? Can you love your child when you are like this, like Julie was asking herself?

It is a good thing that I don't have a family of my own so far. I am actually pretty free from obligations. I don't have to cut all that, because I have nothing to cut. I have a clean start and am pretty young still. I have all life in front of me to do anything I want. I can become empty, or I can fill my life with...life of a person.

What do I choose?

(PS for Jed: sorry for exceeding the daily limit of words. This is my first time really autolysing myself so I had the urge to write it a little more thoroughly)
(PPS: I so love having you here on this forum. It is exhilarating, really. I don't think I would actually start with the autolysis thing if I hadn't found it. But I guess the Universe wants me to go quicker then I(?) want it. So.... thank you, thank you, thank you!)
« Last Edit: February 10, 2018, 06:49:20 am by BreakingOut »

Jed McKenna

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2018, 01:11:00 am »
You are fearing all the wrong things...

Fear losing your history (never was yours anyways), fear letting go of all you wants and desires (the source of suffering according to Buddha), fear receiving this illusory universe in whole (makes the dream more fun) fear having others love you and want to do things for you... or maybe fear losing all your fears....

Nah.. I'm just messing with you. Keep your fear, embrace it, feed it it, encourage it and always remember, the way OUT is THROUGH.

Love ya, Jed.

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2018, 09:11:22 am »
Hey Jed.

You are right. Those are all pretty lame fears that I stated. I can see that. After all, who cares if I don't get a partner and a baby, or have a happy human life? Is it important? It is not. I can live with anything of that, even with that - being unhappy, being unmotivated. Who cares? Why would I care for that, if it is fake either way? More interesting and important to me is finding out the Truth then being happy. I would like if being happy is a by-product of that but it isn't really that important.

I am now living in some kind of a limbo - not there, and not here either.

I saw now that you have some more books. Play, Dreamstate and The theory of everything....can't wait to read all of them. Also, I saw you have short e-book A nice game of chess...about technological singularity (!!!)! Wow! So cool. Will read it tonight. I love that topic of singularity. Always thought we should embrace what we can't change. What's the point of complaining about it when it is going to happen either way... for me it is better to just go along with it. It will be interesting, like an SF story, If the predictions are true.

PS: Jed, why do they say on the Wisefool press that you are not an active teacher, and don't engage on forum? Everything I read here so far are realy Jed-like...I really think it is You. For sure you are somebody wise. Just you are a little bit more loving then I expected, but I love that. Maybe Jed became a little soft in the heart?  ;)

Love
« Last Edit: February 10, 2018, 06:49:50 am by BreakingOut »

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2018, 01:17:56 pm »
It is stupid, what I wrote.

Loneliness will be a hard thing to go through.

And this life, where I can not talk to anybody about my experiences, will be lonley, even if I am surrounded with people. That will be a hard thing for me to embrace.

It is a little embarassing to have the whole writing process shown up like this. I should write it somewhere else and put here only the conclusions, not to bother you.

That is also something I need to think about.......................

Jed McKenna

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2018, 11:09:26 pm »
Thank you for the kind words... and I have definitely softened in the past years. Even get a touch of sentimentality from time to time. Tear up rather easily but enjoy it when it happens.

The pain that comes with loneliness is caused by the fact that it's only a thought, and a fear based on at that. But how can you really be lonely when everything is you. You are everywhere.... sans the stories things are more real and yes, clearly a dream as well.... go figure.

Love ya, Jed.

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BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2018, 05:04:51 pm »
Hey Jed,

I love to hear that you get sentimental and tear up, and enjoy too! Happy for you, but also for all us that aspire to the abiding non-dual awareness... it's good to hear that you are in touch with emotions in a no-self state.  Not sure how is that possible but am happy to be in a process of finding that out for myself.

I was thinking a lot these days about - myself actually. All this ego-bundle. Seems that I can't really get on to metaphysics questions when I have the mess that I am in front of myself. I feel like I should deal with all of that first...maybe through that come to something deeper. Seems that I can't avoid this part... shadow self and all of that...

what I found out... I noticed that I started to have these feelings of undeserving. Like I am not enough to be on this forum, to chase these matters. Like I don't deserve to find out the Truth. I started having thoughts like, that You are going to think that I am stupid and tell me I should leave the forum. I had these feelings before, many times, just I wasn't so aware of them before - they were just doing their job secretevly, like some toxic substance that was poisoning my relationships and myself. It is a rather awful feeling. I was masking it before by becoming narcissistic and perfectionist, always demanded the best from myself. That was my defence mechanism so I can deal with this terrible feeling of inadequacy. I really don't love myself, that is a rather sad discovery. But an important one. That is my demon...

I am kinda a little bit in love with you momentarily, to be frank. Like a celebrity crush, maybe... can't even comprehend that I can talk to you like this. It is precious. It is probably why I get all these feelings. I know it is silly and infantile, but it is like that in the moment. Sucking the finger showing to the Moon... but I know it will pass.

Sorry for the psychoanalysis here... I think I needed it. Hope to get to some matters of deeper meaning soon and not be so preoccupied by the self that doesn't exist... hope to get over myself soon enough!

Will be really dissapointed  if you kick me out from the forum you know ...  :D

Love ya!!

Jed McKenna

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2018, 01:49:27 am »
Wouldn't dream of kicking you out. Sounds like you are dedicated to your own journey with a little puppy-love thrown in ... all good, but keep coming back to all you have, that apparent ''you'' what has been dreamed into a quasi-existence.

Love ya, Jed.

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2018, 04:45:47 am »
I would really want to find out.

Wait... Just...why didn't I say: I DO really want to find out? Why would? When would????

I don't know. I am learning about philosophy for the last 2 years. It is so interesting to me. I learn about ancient wisdom, all those books. About the structure of illusion, about the laws of nature. And then I found your books, or they found me. I was instantly hooked. The "spirituality" started looking differently to me. It was like a map of that space unraveling. I started seeing philosophy differently: felling what, from all that stories, is real treasure and what is just an add-on. Also Awakening started to look a lot more dark and scary, and difficult to attain (like slicing your own flesh?!), but also in a some wierd way a lot more...fun, should I say? Adventurous? Crazy?

I now can see that most of philosophy that I was learning about is actually talking about how illusion is created and how it is functioning (like the laws of nature, constitution of man etc). You said, abandon all that philosophy, that are all stories. Go see for yourself. And I'm thinking...do I want to do that, right now? Or maybe play a little bit more in a dreamstate, learn about how it is functioning? That is also really interesting for me to investigate. Do I want to play a bit with magic, before I vanish out of existence? Play in a realm of misticism? Is that just a waste of time?

Can I save real awakening from illusion for after that? I think I wouldn't even want to learn about illusion after really waking up...

Obviously I have not resolved these questions with myself still...

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2018, 04:48:55 am »
Ego clinging to the books...

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #13 on: February 10, 2018, 04:54:04 am »
Can I do both, simultaneously?

Jed McKenna

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #14 on: February 11, 2018, 02:55:56 am »
It's simple, just stand up and sit down at the same time.

Love ya, Jed.