Author Topic: It is starting  (Read 4638 times)

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« on: February 08, 2018, 05:04:51 pm »
Hey Jed,

I love to hear that you get sentimental and tear up, and enjoy too! Happy for you, but also for all us that aspire to the abiding non-dual awareness... it's good to hear that you are in touch with emotions in a no-self state.  Not sure how is that possible but am happy to be in a process of finding that out for myself.

I was thinking a lot these days about - myself actually. All this ego-bundle. Seems that I can't really get on to metaphysics questions when I have the mess that I am in front of myself. I feel like I should deal with all of that first...maybe through that come to something deeper. Seems that I can't avoid this part... shadow self and all of that...

what I found out... I noticed that I started to have these feelings of undeserving. Like I am not enough to be on this forum, to chase these matters. Like I don't deserve to find out the Truth. I started having thoughts like, that You are going to think that I am stupid and tell me I should leave the forum. I had these feelings before, many times, just I wasn't so aware of them before - they were just doing their job secretevly, like some toxic substance that was poisoning my relationships and myself. It is a rather awful feeling. I was masking it before by becoming narcissistic and perfectionist, always demanded the best from myself. That was my defence mechanism so I can deal with this terrible feeling of inadequacy. I really don't love myself, that is a rather sad discovery. But an important one. That is my demon...

I am kinda a little bit in love with you momentarily, to be frank. Like a celebrity crush, maybe... can't even comprehend that I can talk to you like this. It is precious. It is probably why I get all these feelings. I know it is silly and infantile, but it is like that in the moment. Sucking the finger showing to the Moon... but I know it will pass.

Sorry for the psychoanalysis here... I think I needed it. Hope to get to some matters of deeper meaning soon and not be so preoccupied by the self that doesn't exist... hope to get over myself soon enough!

Will be really dissapointed  if you kick me out from the forum you know ...  :D

Love ya!!