Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I spent some time thinking why is it so important to me - what am I really trying to "get" with being pretty. Even if I don't want to be with some guy, I want to be seen as beautiful,,, I don't want him but I want him to like me. I want to have him under my control. For example, happened to me recently that I started to hang out with a married guy that is really sexy and has a great energy. I am really attracted to him, but I don't want to mess with somebody's marriage. That is not my thing,...I don't want to make people sad. BUT I realized that it is really important for me to be beautiful to that guy, to have him want me (?!) even if I don't want to make a mess and won't do it even if he initiated. So, I am playing a fiery b i t c h role here. Spending lots of energy on that play (maybe I want to spill it like that to not deal with the real thing?). What am I getting from it? MAYBE I am trying to confirm my own "value" in this way. Maybe my deep held belief is that I am not worth of being loved and accepted and by being pretty I am getting some acceptance (although the shallowest type) and the feeling of control and that I am not completely worthless. Maybe that is the reason why it is such a central part of my shiny layer and why I preocupy with it on such a high level.
So,, maybe the real question here is, how to peel of the need to be loved and accepted? Removing that this falls with it. And pretty much the feeling of humanness too, I guess,....
Love you.
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