Okay... next step.
Realized 2 tendencies I have. Locking me from further, both.
1. I feel the constant need to improve something in the physical world; continuous work in progress is there. Losing a lot of energy and time on trivial and unimportant things ie improving my living space, my work and alike and I realize now it is a tactical move to avoid the real work (getting with myself and writing) because it is such a frightening and hard thing to do.
2. I constantly project the image of what I "want to find". I had some crazy experiences with psychedelics and I guess I expect something like that. Stupid I know, I know it is much greater than any drug exp and anything that my tiny mind can imagine but seems like I can not help myself with this. I look and TRY to see it, forcing it too much, projecting some imagination of it and it can not happen that way. How to loosen out these expectations? I am becoming sick of this feeling that it is right in front of my nose and I can not see it because I am looking it through a layer of perception
(physically sick really)
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