Author Topic: It is starting  (Read 4659 times)

BreakingOut

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 99
Re: It is starting
« Reply #135 on: October 08, 2018, 02:58:48 am »
Okay. I did it immediately, because, you know, I don't want to eat ****  ;D or be cursed in any way, especially Arabic. And, it was Sunday - perfect day to keep quiet.
It was an interesting day. Immediately when I decided I won't talk this day, I started to - hear better? See better. Focus better on the senses. My mind was glad to do it. Mostly I spent the day avoiding people and to my family, I wrote a note. It was funny to see the reactions but they also made me warm in my heart. They reacted so well and they love me so much, accepting all these crazy behavior from me.
What then happened. I saw it clearly. After some time I got a strong urge to .... do something.... clean up the house or anything. To make myself busy. As soon as I started cleaning I felt good. Work is in progress again! I even cleaned the inside of the closets.
The hole. The black hole in the middle of my being starts to look at me and scare me if I don't do anything. It is a strange feeling, like a void in the middle of my heart. Something like sadness, but broader. The feeling that all is really sad, and there is not really a point, and it will not get better. And it's the truth at the core of "myself". And that feeling is hardly bearable. Actually, it is unbearable so I always run away from it and start doing something, some work in progress. That activity makes me forget the void for the given moment and it makes the life interesting and fun again, and it gives me the hope that it will be better and that I am "getting to it", and I will maybe able to wash away that central void or to fill it with something. More activities I have better I feel. I actually forget all about the void, it doesn't even exist for me in the given time. I am not at all aware of it. That is, till the next time I don't have anything to do. Then I start to feel it painfully clear again...so I quickly start improving something again. That is why I keep myself busy all the time, don't want to do the real work, because I know, it will be heavy, much heavier then reading some philosophical book. Philosophizing about the hole is much lighter and even fun, but what to do with the hole, I don't know....