Dear Diary,
Mr. McKenna said it would be best to shut up about the process so I guess that is a way to go if I want to find out. It is logical after all. It does posses a huge energy, the thought process that I have the urge to share to other "seekers" (from which many of them aren't real seekers, and I know it). And I feel that that energy gets released after talking. So, what would it mean to have all that energy channeled back into the real thing?
The thing is, maybe I am afraid to go so fast. Actually, I am afraid. I am afraid of many things, even though I always said that I despise fear...that I fear only the fear itself. But fear is also a cunning little thing. It lurks from the inside of the psyche and stopps us from going further.
But the fact is, I want to become empty. I don't know exactley why; especially after reading other people experiences of that emptyness. Many say it is not a thing you could wish for... it is not so motivating after all. But it does sound so LIGHT. You have no mass. No threads that are twisted inside you... You just cut all of this crap that anyway IS NOT YOU. So you become nobody, you just - go with the flow, should I say? Flow with the river, and not against it. Cause you don't have "you" to go against anything. This is how I imagine it.... you just feel the breeze. You are it. You hear the drums playing. You become that sound in that moment. You jump into the water and become one with it. Feel it in a way that no self could ever feel it. And you go like that through life, with no future, no past, just that reality that is around you in that exact moment. And THIS sound so attractive to me. That is why I want to go further even if it means slicing my own flesh. Maybe I have a romanticised view? I don't know, the point is that this life where I am a person is really becoming a drag. Too many things to worry about.
So what do I worry about? I will now list all the things that I can remember that I fear. To become super aware of them and to see them clearly when they block my road. At least those that are seen by the psyche eye for now:
I fear that my Mum is going to be sad if I go mad.
I fear that I will be lonley if I figure out that I am alone in this world.
I fear that the world will lose its meaning if I see it for what it is.
I fear that I will not be so happy with all of that.
I fear that I will become unmotivated to do my work if I find out what really is. I fear that I will not be so eager to help other people if I understood that they are all projections of my mind.
I fear taking stronger dose of psychedelics. Probably for the same reasons. I feel like a good psychonaut but that is not true. The thruth is that I actually always played it safe and didn't go beyond my limits. Maybe I shuld push that limits because in this way, this is where I get after all.
I fear that I may not be able to find a partner that suits me if I go so far. I see already that I am getting so different from people even now, when I just understand it conceptually. I feel less and less motivation to hang out with people. I just can't talk to them about anything that interests me. I can just listen to them talking, but what is the point? All that I get is their opinions, .... the opinions of ther masks. They don't even know themselves and they are talking and thinking it's something of a value. It is not. I can't see that value anymore.
If I don't get my partner, I fear that I won't have any babies in this life. That would be a shame. I always felt like I would be a good mama. I would like to produce a little human being and teach him/her something about the world. I think it would be a pretty cute endeavour. But again, I fear I could not do it if I become nobody? How can you be a mum and a nobody? Can you love your child when you are like this, like Julie was asking herself?
It is a good thing that I don't have a family of my own so far. I am actually pretty free from obligations. I don't have to cut all that, because I have nothing to cut. I have a clean start and am pretty young still. I have all life in front of me to do anything I want. I can become empty, or I can fill my life with...life of a person.
What do I choose?
(PS for Jed: sorry for exceeding the daily limit of words. This is my first time really autolysing myself so I had the urge to write it a little more thoroughly)
(PPS: I so love having you here on this forum. It is exhilarating, really. I don't think I would actually start with the autolysis thing if I hadn't found it. But I guess the Universe wants me to go quicker then I(?) want it. So.... thank you, thank you, thank you!)