ive never known if i really want enlightenment i mean i dont even know what its lile to be enlightened. i hope it to be better than my current living, be more effortless, carefree and flowing. i want to really live and experience real life. by real life i mean whats actually real. i dont however want it so bad that id go downstairs and shoot everyone in my family. ive felt pushed towards enlightenment before but ive never been pushed so far that the ball has kept rolling. i get pushed into a corner i escape the corner by autolysis and than im left back to stationary mode. its when im in bad situations that i can rise above but only for so long, once i rise above something( see it for what it is) i chill out and revert back to ordinary sleep mode. is there any way to actually just plow the f**k through it without making so many stops? any way to get the same push that i get in bad situations into my good situations, because when im happy i dont want anything that bad.