Author Topic: jacoba  (Read 2236 times)

jacoba

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
jacoba
« on: August 27, 2014, 11:10:59 am »
thanks Jed for this new forum. I remember my rant against the old one so why do I decide to join this one?

I think it's the word focus you mention in your rules. I haven't much focus on my everyday life, seems very much like a comic strip. My mind is elsewhere. I'm not sure what kind of path I'm following, whether there's a path, whether I'm moving at all, or where I am.
It frightens me sometimes, yes it does. I' m processing this fear, breathing and/or doing the Work of Katie. I feel pushed and I can't say I like it. But there's no going back is there?
So if I have a focus it's on this 'path' which seems to go nowhere and this 'nowhere' is very indefinite (?) undefined.
I'm not at all coherent, sorry for that - just trying to stay honest, but what do I know ?

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter


Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: jacoba
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2014, 10:49:08 pm »
Hi Jacoba;

Please share what you have read and studied, plus where you think you are on the path.

Love ya, Jed

jacoba

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Re: jacoba
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2014, 05:11:40 am »
I started this search while I was still a child at primary school. The world seemed to lack authenticity though I was too young to use this word.
Now I've been a student of ACIM for many years, it taught me discipline works and is useful, it taught me never to underestimated the strength of my ego and it taught me I've been playing a role for most of my life - I could play any role. ACIM talks about self and Self and this tied me in a knot: I cannot find any authenticity, not in myself not anywhere. The fact that I'm alone, that I've been creating this world, these people, these situations, the issues I have, is very clear to me. Maybe that's the main point I got from ACIM and - not unimportant -  I forgot my past. I stopped using the book to feel better, that's not my goal ( anymore).
Lately I've been doing the Work ( Katie)  a lot, doing other exercises that help me question my beliefs as well. 

Just now I'm depressed and I've stopped fighting against being depressed ( I was in a shop while this decision came to me, the next instant I heard the song 'I quit, I give up ... etc'  just what I felt)
The depression looks like I'm doing whatever has to been done but I'm not in it. I couldn't give a damn. Most things look silly, useless, it's not going anywhere and I feel I'm squandering my energy for the wrong things. That's one reason why I got a divorce last year: starting to clean up.
You're asking me where I am on the path; I hardly know, maybe I've just turned a corner. I have this urge towards simplicity, focus and (practical) life seems to get more complicated. I started writing to you, the pasadena adress( using another name) more than half a year ago, this helped, I needed that to stay honest which I think is the best thing I can do.
Strangely enough, I have moments that I'm deeply grateful.

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: jacoba
« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2014, 01:26:52 am »
Back to basics, you still have much to release, especially all those silly studies. They are spiritual materialism. Let go of it all, and that means IT ALL!


Love ya, Jed.

jacoba

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Re: jacoba
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2014, 06:24:08 am »
yes, I stopped those silly studies some 25 years ago, just telling were I came from, sorry it wasn't clear.
jac.

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: jacoba
« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2014, 11:33:45 am »
Dear Jacoba:

I suggest you just continue with releasing. It snowballs and none of us have any idea how much garbage is blocking our view. Please pursue with extra earnest (friend of Bert) and give me some feedback if you will. Love ya, Jed.

jacoba

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Re: jacoba
« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2014, 04:06:34 am »
I'm just sitting in my chair and breathing, waiting and after a while sinking beyond my everyday life/mask. I find sadness, hopelessness despair, 'what's the use'  and fear. The fear looks like this: "ít's impossible" I'll never get out'; I lack courage, perseverance, this can't be done. There's sadness and anger as well. I do not mind the sadness, and the anger is mostly directed at myself. I find apathy.
On and off apathy  has been my with me for years ( in between active, energetic periods). This apathy is a blockade. Makes me feel guilty. So I did the work on this and what I found is a disgust with the things I have to do ( I think I have to do). I can't be more honest than this. Something else I found: it's my thinking which lacks initiative. There's truth in that.

I'm thinking of one other truth I found, I'm copying some sentences from an email I once send to you: "But how can I not know there's truth somewhere ? How else do I know I am not-true? If it recognises un-truth it must have knowledge of truth.
( anyway, life and death seem to be both meaningless)

Why do I think of this now ? It's the fact that I must have somewhere some truth and that keeps me going.

I do not read many posts but there's one I remembered, (Jack's) and he wrote about an experiment in apathy which you recommended through email.
I would be very interested in this experiment. What I've done is accepting this apathy, maybe there was/is some truth in apathy, maybe I had good reason to be apathatic ? I don't know, I do know guilt doesn't work, though my ego thinks otherwise.

Writing in this forum, is something I have to get used to. I do not like forums and I like to hide, sure, yes. The fact that it's uncomfortable is interesting, challenging. Good.



Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: jacoba
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2014, 04:36:16 am »
Dear J:

Yes, the challenge is good, can you be apathetic about your apathy? About your despair and hopelessness. Be apathetic as you possibly can, focus apathy on apathy and then a little more apathy. Love ya, in an apathetic sort of way. Jed, ho hum, back to slouching on the couch. Love ya, Jed, the potato head.

jacoba

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Re: jacoba
« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2014, 04:42:03 am »
surrender, yes, well how does it go?  There's a sentence in ACIM : "The universe remains unheeding of the laws by which you thought to govern it"   I like that, there irony in it. What do I know ? Nothing, nothing at all. So what I do, what I'm learning to do is looking at all the scary scenario's I can think of and making them/knowing they are ridiculous. That's one thing; the other is: if I feel disgusted with the things I have to do I should stop doing them. That should be very clear to me. ( these things have to do with staying alive practically: my work,  money, house). I'm very much aware that I have to show an intention towards ....  ?  before the universe is going to cooperate ( not the good word). It's this 'me showing an intention towards'  which is lacking. And there precisely is where I'm stuck;

read your reply, made me laugh in a very non-apathetic way. I'll try your medicine. I really like excercises


Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: jacoba
« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2014, 07:16:51 am »
Yes, put that mind to work, it loves to be busy so make it busy doing apathy, apathy and more apathy. Start out with a minute or two of apathy. Time it, just to make it easier use an egg timer so you don't even have to pay attention to it, cause that would non-apathy and doing something, like paying attention.

It's a little like this, when someone says 'I'm a skeptic and I don't believe this TR crap'. I say, 'Well, I can appreciate that you might be a skeptic, but I don't get that, I just don't believe you are. Two many things you are saying and doing are convincing me otherwise'. I have to contain my laughter as he then tries desperately to convince me he is not skeptical about being a skeptic and actually a blind believer.

So, back to your mind. It's impossible for it to be apathetic and likewise for you. You're not even apathetic when you sleep. You dream, move around, snore, you're very active when sleeping. If in a coma, that's a little different, but I assume members are not in comas.

I'm sure you can get the hang of things, Just start writing out your apathy goals, like Tony Robbins would do and make sure you don't follow through on them. Got it. Love, Jed (a man of very limited power, in fact, you have inspired me to write another book 'LIMITED POWER, Jed's way to nothingness'. Perhaps 'JED, a man for limited seasons'. Your feedback is welcome. Love ya, I think, me, little old insignificant me, a bit like Pooh Bear. 

jacoba

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Re: jacoba
« Reply #10 on: September 05, 2014, 06:04:34 am »
This thing apathy is like a thread to pull on and all the knitting comes undone;  it's  not about apathy at all. 
 
I've been writing and deleting and more of that and feeling disgusted and ashamed and foolishly stupid.

I just don't know what purpose this voice has, that says "you are an apathetic pig", I would guess it aims at making me miserable.
And it succeeds !  this is just silly.

So I've been hanging around with this thing, been apathetic with apathy which wasn't easy because, yes,  my mind is too busy.
In the end I still I didn't phone this man, didn't answer that mail and failed to comb my hair, but maybe he should phone, I'm not in the right mood to write this important mail and my hair looks much better when it's not combed. What do I know about it ?
It's the control freak that says I shouldn't be apathetic.  Welcome fear !

My mind is more of a hindrance than a help. Looking back it never was of real use; it's not a really intelligent mind.
How do I get rid of it?  ( that's a real question)
Just sitting and breathing helps; I'm looking for something totally different from my normal way to deal with whatever is coming up for me.

this Jed-guru-thing feels weird, I feel ridiculous posting this, angry as well. it took me an hour to write these few words; still deleting, trying to write something which more or less felt true, honest. And what do I expect to come from it, what do I need you for ? What's the purpose of all this posting ?
I have no answer; I do not mind the time spend writing and deleting. I'm learning patience.







Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: jacoba
« Reply #11 on: September 05, 2014, 06:38:15 am »
Dear Jacoba:

I feel you are progressing and following your Sat Guru. (that's not meet sitting down).

You know what you are doing and you are doing it all perfectly. Keep writing and keep deleting, as you know it's all garbage but someday you just got to take it to the curb. Recycle now so someone else can use your trash. Do you really have to raise a finger in order to get the universe to do what it does? Does the universe ever try to do anything? Further.

Love ya, Jed.

jacoba

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Re: jacoba
« Reply #12 on: September 08, 2014, 03:46:29 am »
 I said something about pulling a thread and the knitting comes undone;  strangely enough I found myself cutting through a piece of knitting, using a pair of scissors.
 I want these scissors , I need it for cutting through ......  something, I don't know. I'm afraid.

I'm lying every now and then, I notice that - not wanting to be bothered, to have to explain, even to 'protect'  someone - and who am I protecting ?

 I cry more often and that's hard to do and to admit I do that.
 
I notice anger, hatred and accepting that and afterwards the feeling this wasn't about whatever I thought it was about , but I don't know..

I've done everything I could to stay away from love,  put lots of energy in that. So your notice  'that we are love .. ' doesn't do much for me, I do not recognize this.

And people think I'm nice.


Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: jacoba
« Reply #13 on: September 08, 2014, 03:57:52 am »
Dear J:

Sorry to hear about the people think you are 'nice' thing. But it will work out somehow.

Love ya, Jed.

jacoba

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Re: jacoba
« Reply #14 on: September 09, 2014, 05:11:59 am »
I'm using this writing for getting focus, it helps, even if I have the feeling, after posting, something I wrote was not true

The thing I wrote about staying away from love was bullshit; I'll come back to it I suppose.
( It's interesting to note that whenever I write something which -later- feels untrue, the opposite of what I wrote comes much closer to honesty.)

it's not that I'm having difficulties in expressing myself ( which I thought was the case) it's a kind of laziness, mmm, ..... or  it's an unwillingness to go there or something else ( why do I want to explain this ? give it a name ? )

I sat this morning, eyes open and breathing without much attention to the breathing. What came up was that's it's silly to think this consciousness I'm conscious of is part of my body, belongs with or starts in my body. It could be anywhere. It's not localized. My eyes could see anything ( they did) ; the things I was looking at changed though they stayed the same, then they became two dimensional like a picture in a book and the picture is looking at a body in a chair which became two dimensional as well.
Part of this process was experience, another part imagination.

These last weeks I wondered if I should start reading  Nisargadatta; in these cases I just follow my fingers, they either type Amazon.com ... or not.

I felt really uncomfortable with having a 'teacher'.  ( in the past I have followed teachers, I thought authorities knew best, mainly because of low self-esteem and all the while there was some voice inside that disagreed with them, it knew better; so sometimes I found myself doing the opposite from what they taught and then I thought myself a hypocrite  -  just giving some background, so I can read this).

I get from your books, your replies as much as this 'I' , this person allows 'me' to get from it. The word  'allow' is not quite right. That makes me my own teacher and I'm fine with that. I'll grow up or not, I'm not sure I have any say in it.

I'm fine with being apathetic as well, only I'm not calling it apathy any more, I found another name for it: nowadays I say it's a severe lack of motivation and start laughing, this is rather hilarious. 
So I told this person I hadn't being doing a lot and he told me the same. We agreed on being responsible together for our own apathy and have moved on.