Author Topic: It is starting  (Read 3454 times)

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #135 on: September 25, 2018, 01:55:32 pm »
Okay... next step.

Realized 2 tendencies I have. Locking me from further, both.

1. I feel the constant need to improve something in the physical world; continuous work in progress is there. Losing a lot of energy and time on trivial and unimportant things ie improving my living space, my work and alike and I realize now it is a tactical move to avoid the real work (getting with myself and writing) because it is such a frightening and hard thing to do.
2. I constantly project the image of what I "want to find". I had some crazy experiences with psychedelics and I guess I expect something like that. Stupid I know, I know it is much greater than any drug exp and anything that my tiny mind can imagine but seems like I can not help myself with this. I look and TRY to see it, forcing it too much, projecting some imagination of it and it can not happen that way. How to loosen out these expectations? I am becoming sick of this feeling that it is right in front of my nose and I can not see it because I am looking it through a layer of perception  :-X ::) :-[ (physically sick really)

Jed McKenna

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #136 on: September 25, 2018, 09:53:28 pm »
.... and that's why I discourage the use of drugs... they are very sticky if you don't know what you are doing.

You require some backing up and undoing of what ever it is you have been doing. It's exactly what the Nav Series does, however, nothing is going to clear up until you the right work, effective work on your ''self''.

Love ya, Jed.

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #137 on: September 29, 2018, 02:53:09 am »
I hope I will be ready for the Nav series some time relatively soon. I don't feel ready for this kind of work yet. Still have 5 more of your books to read. I am in this for less than a year and I feel I am still in that "bookworm" phase, trying to gather information still. I know it is not the way through but around, but that is what I feel I should do now...

Does this make sense?

Do you mind if I write here in the meantime?

Love you

Jed McKenna

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #138 on: September 29, 2018, 05:47:38 am »
Hi there:

Of course you can stay here. One day you will throw all books out. I did that about twenty years ago, haven't read one since. When you no longer need them it will become glaringly evident.

Best wishes on your journey always.

Love ya, Jed.

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #139 on: October 06, 2018, 03:38:28 pm »
Today my own mind made me want to vomit.

It is so preoccupied with ITSELF. This poor ego of mine wants to be so special and pretty and smart. All day I heard it, all day, "Oh look at me I am so this and that", so pretty so smart, the best one in the world, really, just look at me. Am I not the BEST ????
Every time I try to say something, I hear this inside voice "Oh that was so smart, my voice is so sexy, I always say the best thing"
Gooood, For ****'s sake when will this stop Why do I have to hear it all day long all the time, what is so tiny and fragile inside that needs a constant inflow of compliments and praises, God it became SO tiresome, it is becoming hard for me to tolerate it anymore. I mean, whaaaat do you want WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT to be so special. The whole of my persona covered in this gross narcissistic wound. I became painfully aware of this mind flow today and at first it was funny to me, then it became tiring, then it made me want to vomit, then it was funny again, then I understood it has nothing to do with me. It is something that I am given, that I have to play with.

Good to understand this at least so I can discard it when I see it happening.  :-X

Jed McKenna

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #140 on: October 06, 2018, 11:01:58 pm »
While sometimes stressful, those are excellent realizations.

So, here is my prescription for your mental illness (mild, I grant you, but a definite illness).

Now, if you read further, I am deadly serious about you completing this task. If you don't complete it you will be curse in the traditional Arabic fashion with ''Kol Khara''. (Literally meaning to “eat ****” but meaning also to “shut up”, this phrase is commonly used to try to tell someone to stop nagging or being annoying.) I happen to love Arabic curses, don't have a clue why.

YOUR TASK IS TO SHUT UP FOR 24 HOURS. Not a word is to issue from your mouth. Write notes, make hand signs but NOT A WORD. During this contemplation just watch you mind, other people and the scenes around you. Be as aware as possible.

Now, you must do this or endure further Arabic curses and I have some nasty ones involving camels... SO DO IT.

Then, after successful complete, let me know and I will cease my licentious behavior and we can continue our conversations here.

Love ya, Jed.

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #141 on: October 08, 2018, 02:58:48 am »
Okay. I did it immediately, because, you know, I don't want to eat ****  ;D or be cursed in any way, especially Arabic. And, it was Sunday - perfect day to keep quiet.
It was an interesting day. Immediately when I decided I won't talk this day, I started to - hear better? See better. Focus better on the senses. My mind was glad to do it. Mostly I spent the day avoiding people and to my family, I wrote a note. It was funny to see the reactions but they also made me warm in my heart. They reacted so well and they love me so much, accepting all these crazy behavior from me.
What then happened. I saw it clearly. After some time I got a strong urge to .... do something.... clean up the house or anything. To make myself busy. As soon as I started cleaning I felt good. Work is in progress again! I even cleaned the inside of the closets.
The hole. The black hole in the middle of my being starts to look at me and scare me if I don't do anything. It is a strange feeling, like a void in the middle of my heart. Something like sadness, but broader. The feeling that all is really sad, and there is not really a point, and it will not get better. And it's the truth at the core of "myself". And that feeling is hardly bearable. Actually, it is unbearable so I always run away from it and start doing something, some work in progress. That activity makes me forget the void for the given moment and it makes the life interesting and fun again, and it gives me the hope that it will be better and that I am "getting to it", and I will maybe able to wash away that central void or to fill it with something. More activities I have better I feel. I actually forget all about the void, it doesn't even exist for me in the given time. I am not at all aware of it. That is, till the next time I don't have anything to do. Then I start to feel it painfully clear again...so I quickly start improving something again. That is why I keep myself busy all the time, don't want to do the real work, because I know, it will be heavy, much heavier then reading some philosophical book. Philosophizing about the hole is much lighter and even fun, but what to do with the hole, I don't know....

Jed McKenna

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #142 on: October 08, 2018, 05:50:21 am »
Worship on every Sunday... not by going to church, but by shutting you mouth. Remember, when gums start flapping you stop learning.

Love ya, Jed.

BreakingOut

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #143 on: October 21, 2018, 03:40:13 pm »
My mind is cracking up, I feel like my brain can not handle these questions, I am too stupid for it... Who am I, what is this Universe?

Was watching quantum physics documentaries the whole weekend, again my dreamcharacter is trying to approach it through the mind, - not going to happen because the mind starts to break down,... I am not intelligent enough, can't understand it.

I feel like I want to cry, scream of awe for the grandiosity of the WONDERS OF THIS UNIVERSE,...
and cry out loud because I can't grasp it, it is too much for this person and for this tiny mind...

Membranes? Strings? Parallel Universes? What the ****...how is that even possible. What does it mean??? Can I ever grasp this or I will forever scream inside, quiet scream of all of my body cells...... if they even exist. It feels like brain is going to explode, the tension is inside, my forhead hurts. I want to discover. Is this maybe not important at all?

Love you. I have to get on to it because it is slipping through my fingers.......

Jed McKenna

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Re: It is starting
« Reply #144 on: October 21, 2018, 08:40:23 pm »
Your mind wants answers... and the question IS the answer.

Regarding the physic-fantasy... all just stories.. because... they are always changing. What is, never changes.

Love ya, Jed.