Hi Jed,
I have a confession to make...
I'll try to describe to you whats going on. When I write to you, what is the dynamic? I want to be, in the eyes of the grand enlightened master, be doing a good job. I want you to pet me on the head. All I want is back in some kind of womb. I'm not going where the fear is so strong, because what it would be to much? First...before going there can be considered, I must follow and explore every other direction I could go instead. Is this how it is with everybody? Are they forced to go there only when everything else is seen as futile?
That is what I've been doing...not really. Because since I know, I am stalling. I've been spending most of my days playing video games and eathing junk food, lying around using my depression as an excuse. In between I'm still doing **** inquiry so I can tell myself I'm still...I don't even know what. Anyway, what I'm getting to is that I've lost my fire. Only a year ago I was burning. Now I'm just a pathetic loser with no reason to get out of bed. Half the time I enjoy it. Have I lost already? How do I get out of this? Willpower doesn't work. Should I just keep who am I-ing as often as possible in the offchance that something is gonna happen eventually?