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Author Topic: KayF  (Read 2427 times)

KayF

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Re: KayF
« Reply #60 on: December 30, 2016, 02:48:18 pm »
How do I deal with forgiveness? I've been thinking about the time when I was in high school I said something mean to a girl and she was so mad at me she didn't speak to me for the next 2 years. I can't help but think I caused pain in her life, which makes me think I may have unconsciously cause the suffering of others through my actions or words.

I know all those are just thoughts and stories but a part of me feel like if I just let them pass and not let them bother me, I would be letting myself off the hook and I would be a terrible person (more words and thought, blah blah blah... I know). So I'm a bit caught up in being triggered by thoughts of having caused suffering in others and thinking that letting go of those other thoughts of guilt would make me a despicable douche who uses non-dual teachings to let himself off of hook from all the people I annoyed, hurt and manipulated.

Perhaps all these things are all just remnants of my approval-seeking self wanting to be a perfect "person" who is liked by every one he has ever met. But I just have this fear that I might have cause serious pain and suffering in someone's life that I don't know about. The thought of someone having a negative experience about me makes me cringe, embarrassed and shamed.

What are your thoughts?
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Jed McKenna

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Re: KayF
« Reply #61 on: December 30, 2016, 11:09:15 pm »
Geez... what is that?  >:( >:( >:( New Years blah-blah  ::) ::) ::). When you get tired of beating yourself up over things that may or may not have happened,  :P :P :P i.e., memories, then you will just stop. You need to get totally gagging fed up with your b.s.  :-\ :-\ :-\ through awareness and then you will just drop it. It's only a decision.

Write down everyone you have to forgive and then burn your list, because it's not real. Forgive yourself completely and unconditionally because there is only you, but not the little ''you'', the Big One.  :-* :-* :-*.

You can't hurt anyone, only their stories of must, should, shouldn't, want's, not wants, hurt them. You just aren't as powerful as their stories... of course, you have you own crappy stories of how things should be or shouldn't be and they hurt you ... WTF, do you think you are GOD? .... well, you are  ;) ;) ;) but more on that later.

Have a great 2017... and stop being so stupid.

Love ya, Jed

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KayF

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Re: KayF
« Reply #62 on: February 24, 2017, 12:37:12 am »
I'm beginning to get a deeper sense of how there's no one and no thing here. A deeper sense of how I am alone. Utterly alone. Everything and Everyone are just appearances, shadows, totally empty. Connections I have with people and things are fading... the existence of people around me are fading. I am lucid dreaming, looking around at the things and people in this dream; except there's no me - it's all just the dream.

There is a bit of sadness about everything fading into non-existence and just how alone I am.

I'm never gonna truly connect with someone again, am I? Even if I meet someone who know all this, they can never be anything more than appearances. So what happens now?  What's gonna become of my life?
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Jed McKenna

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Re: KayF
« Reply #63 on: February 24, 2017, 04:44:34 am »
You never connected with anyone before. How could you when there is only one of you. Your stories were what you lived in. Of course you will be a little sad losing them. The heroin addict is a little sad at losing his addiction to.. but that doesn't mean it isn't a good thing.

Love ya, Jed.
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KayF

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Re: KayF
« Reply #64 on: March 22, 2017, 09:38:21 am »
I am so alone. Every thing is just passing by me. And I am invisible. I am losing connection even to those who were closest to me. I have always been and will always be alone - I see that clearly now. How do I know this aloneness isn't just another identity/delusion resulted in some egoic grasping of an aspect in the awakening process?

I'm not having very much fun in life at the moment. It all seem so lame and pointless. So what if I'm aware and awaken to how I am not this sh*tty character I've taken to be "me"? So what?! Big deal. Yes, I'm not actually this character in this simulation but I still have to experience this simulation through a grumpy character who can't really relate to their environment anymore. It f*cking sucks. It's all crap.
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KayF

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Re: KayF
« Reply #65 on: March 04, 2019, 02:34:29 pm »
Hi Jed,

I'm at a place where I'm awakening back into the world and embodying humanity/humanness.

There's a sense of uncertainty/fear/insecurity I think... Like there's a realization that awakening/spirituality is a bit pointless cause regardless how much we've awakened, we're still at the mercy of mental and physical health and there's no escaping that. And suffering will always be a part of our experience as humans.
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Jed McKenna

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Re: KayF
« Reply #66 on: April 02, 2019, 02:17:47 am »
Not my experience. Suffering ends with seeing though desires for anything to be different than it appear to be. You have a ways to go.

Love ya, Jed.
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