Author Topic: mariam  (Read 10488 times)

mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #45 on: September 17, 2014, 11:58:34 am »
don't overthink, but welcome overthinking, all the while remaining open and ready to throw the bucket if that wicked witch tries to steal my shoes. i've been digesting the implications. not really thinking, but just letting things percolate.

dorothy and the lion laid together in secret, night after night, thinking of ways to escape their captivity, and all of their contemplations never did set them free. it was dorothy's incensed response that eventually brought the dissolution of their captor. did she welcome the witch's last transgression, the attempted theft of the silver slippers? first thought is 'no, she resisted the attempt'. but second thought is 'yes, she welcomed the resistance and used it to move the story into another chapter'. of course, once the witch was gone and the tinman and scarecrow were put back together, they all nearly perished in the roadless fields between the west and the emerald city, but it was nothing that a mouse queen, a band of winged monkeys and a macguffin couldn't overcome.

i bring it up because it seems applicable to HA, which is what i imagine myself to be exploring here.

...

i guess it would be that 'doing unto others' seems to entail an 'honest' probing into what aggressions will not stand, an embracing of resistance, despite suggestions of powerlessness.

actually, i just needed something to write about to keep my 'pen' sharp. too much time in the                           , and i feel like a wasn't, and wasn't has no fun at all, no it doesn't.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2014, 11:22:06 am by mariam »

mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #46 on: September 17, 2014, 12:24:29 pm »
Quote
Hi Mariam:

Boy, your brain is a pain. You are too smart for you own good. The thoughts that come to me are you are experiencing some blocks in your body. I strongly believe in breath work, nothing exotic, but just good belly breathing, yoga style, and gradually getting slower and deeper. Other that than, use your brain to whittle down to one question for me.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. Forget that childhood bull, everyone had a challenging childhood because no parent knows what to do until it's too late.

the belly breathing is grand. such a simple and subtle exercise. to expand it a bit, i've also been working with the 'complete' breath, not just filling the lower lungs, but also filling the middle and upper lungs as well, through the front, sides and back. i resist at the end of the inhale, holding the empty fullness for a moment before exhaling. once the exhale feels complete, fully emptied, i resist again, holding a moment before welcoming the next breath.

air, yet another unshakable addiction.

Jed McKenna

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Re: mariam
« Reply #47 on: September 18, 2014, 12:37:59 am »
Dear M;

Good to hear you are enjoying the breathing. Don't push it, be gentle. Share any further experiences.

Love ya, Jed.

mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #48 on: September 18, 2014, 01:54:17 pm »
don't push it, be gentle. as indicated, and maybe not really up to me.

the other day we were eating lunch on the back patio when the cat caught a bird in the foxgrapes. there was a moment of fearful calculation of the impression and i realized that if i didn't do something, my daughters would. i grabbed the cat by the back of the neck and lifted him, squeezing the back of his jaw with my other hand. his mouth opened and the bird flew free, seemingly uninjured. who knows what happened once it reached the branches, but from appearances, it was unscathed. the cat had caught it in such a way that the bird's head filled his whole mouth and he couldn't bring his jaw down around it's throat. the cat seemed ticked off for a bit, but he got past it.

this character, this part, it's not up to me. i can describe it and use it, but i cannot control it, nor do i seem able to walk out on it.

through, through, through...

mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #49 on: September 19, 2014, 10:00:38 am »
there's nothing to walk out on, and nobody to do the walking. it's all untruth and there is only the unrealization of it.

mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #50 on: September 19, 2014, 10:03:37 am »
sooo anticlimactic.

is there a difference between 'still' and 'stuck'?

Jed McKenna

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Re: mariam
« Reply #51 on: September 19, 2014, 10:20:52 am »
Still by choice, stuck by events. But if no you then both are the same.

Love ya, Jed.

mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #52 on: September 19, 2014, 02:46:25 pm »
i've noticed that i unconsciously rush and i feel it in my heels. they carry more step weight when i am in my head. when i am in my body, below the neck though, my toes spread more, my weight is more evenly distributed, each surface cell presses to the floor. the whole back of my body feels lighter.

of course, this is when standing or walking. when seated, this same expansion extends across the back and sides of my thighs and bottom. seated, i feel closer to ground, rooted, even if in a chair.

laying down, there is more boundary sensation along the back of my body. my neck, lower back, knees and ankles form bridges. where my flesh presses the floor feels like a puddle. again more weight in the heel, but arches and toes relaxed and open, creating a partial hole through which i can feel the draft of the ceiling fan.

mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #53 on: September 22, 2014, 11:02:46 am »

so what pointless point am i looking at here? i guess it would be that 'doing unto others' seems to entail an 'honest' probing into what aggressions will not stand, an embracing of resistance, despite suggestions of powerlessness.


'doing unto others', at it's most refined, only entails seeing that nothing ever happened.


mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #54 on: September 22, 2014, 11:17:29 am »
intended to write more, something about the hereditary stream and all these stunning insights i had over the weekend, but i'm having trouble regrouping, after the                                         that followed the previous post. it desires more attention than i've given it, so i'm returning to it.

maybe i'll can write more later.

thank you.


mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #55 on: September 23, 2014, 01:09:40 pm »
even when it appears i am unable to write, everything everyone everthought is being written every(w)here. i need do nothing other than what's indicated.


mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #56 on: September 23, 2014, 01:21:03 pm »
stare out the window. answer the phone. change the laundry. contemplate awareness. sit down, write something. stare out the window.

mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #57 on: September 26, 2014, 01:10:02 pm »
Still by choice, stuck by events. But if no you then both are the same.

Love ya, Jed.

i'm going to give the memory contemplation some time today, but i'm feeling the desire for the culmination of this wizard of oz contemplation before i move along. my daughters and i just finished reading the book for the third time, and perhaps the next time, it will read entirely different, but these are the 'useful' parts gleaned from the most recent read, that also (not)surprisingly reveal the page i appear to be resting on, wondering if i'm stuck or just still.

dorothy never left kansas, just like nothing ever happened, but without the imagined event, there would be no story. so in the story, dorothy is blown out of her everyday existence by an extreme and unforeseen disturbance, then she awakes in a dream that is already seemingly unfolding 'beneath' her, literally at her feet. all she can think of is how to get back to where she was before, but landing in oz has irrevocably changed dorothy. she's fallen into the inconceivable, inadvertently killing a witch and liberating the munchkins. dorothy's character is no longer 'as she was before'. all she can do is either withdraw, curl up in her bed and beg for death, or put one foot in front of the other and get on with whatever's next.

the scarecrow, to me, only demonstrates that there isn't really a difference between straw, brains, and cereal packed with pins and needles. the real 'gold' of the scarecrow is that he could be disassembled, strung out, flung about, then reassembled into something that somewhat resembled his previous form. that, and he could mercilessly break the necks of 40 crows.

i read the tinman as more of a cautionary tale about what might happen when one has hacked away all their parts. he was so in love with the munchkin maiden, that losing his whole body, and even his head, one piece at a time, could not deter him, until that final cut, right down the middle that removed his heart. after that, he no longer cared whether he married the munchkin maiden or not. before setting out for the emerald city, he asserted that the loss of his heart had been the most grievous of his life, and if oz would give him a new heart, he would return to the maiden and marry her, but by the end of the book he had forgotten her again. i guess once meaninglessness has been fathomed, it perhaps takes too much to put the pieces and the path back together.

the lion loved dorothy, and was devoted to her, as he was the only meat creature of the bunch, aside from dorothy and toto. he was wired with many of same survival mechanisms and emotions that meat creatures are made of, and playing the part of a meat creature requires at least some amount courage. the only thing oz actually did for the lion was to direct his attention inward, because without direct experience, there could be no recognition.

dorothy, from what i can tell, was on the journey for just one experience: forgiveness. it was the only way for her to return to what she could never be apart from. kansas, like oz, or nebraska, was only another differentiated time-space label.

no place is home, yet i'm always (t)here.
« Last Edit: September 26, 2014, 01:51:04 pm by mariam »

mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #58 on: September 26, 2014, 01:46:00 pm »
so far, i'm finding my memories to be surprisingly uncharged. the question comes up, what is a 'bad' memory? even those memories that i once perceived as terribly painful, they are still the same collection of lines and light, a picture of sorts, but there is no depth to them and they pass quickly, like slides in a projector. the question comes up, what is a memory?

mariam

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Re: mariam
« Reply #59 on: September 27, 2014, 09:32:43 am »
what's a 'bad' memory? one that's kept unexamined and hidden away, then crops up, not as a distant picture, but as a programmed and nearly automatic response to what is happening 'now'. i observed it in an argument with my husband last night. the conversation had started out pretty light-hearted, joking around while i prepared dinner, but then a question about our oldest daughter's auto insurance came up and he erupted. he felt the effort i had been making to bring everything into alignment was not enough, not happening fast enough. he clearly stated that, 'since no one else was interested in getting the **** done', he'd make the calls and get it taken care of monday. the wisest choice might have been for me to say 'fine, sounds good', then let it go, but i didn't. i chose to be offended instead, washed away by unexamined, unreleased memories of past incidents of similar color, laid one upon another upon another. no longer operating as a 'bad' memory or two, but a broad and sweeping s***storm, gathered from all the times i've felt i had given my best effort only to have the effort ignored completely, or to have him proclaim my effort as bull****, so he can insert himself in the effort and feel like he saved the f***ing day.

memories are ego ammunition, just as you indicated. i didn't see it at first. your statement that memories are often about being 'right' didn't make much sense to me when i was in relaxed contemplation, but sure enough, after engaging in an egoic skirmish with at least some degree of awareness, it's strikingly clear.

thank you memories, for parading my ineptitude and futility before me, thank you                          , for showing me that what i actually am can welcome anything and remain unaffected, and thank you, jed, for whatever it is you're doing.
« Last Edit: September 27, 2014, 09:38:32 am by mariam »