Author Topic: mattj  (Read 571 times)

mattj

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mattj
« on: October 28, 2014, 04:50:53 pm »
Hello Forum!

I have been practicing for around a decade, primarily Buddhist teachings. I have read widely--- everything from Advaita to Madhyamika to Shaivism to Zen. I have also practiced widely, primarily vipassana, zazen, and self-enquiry, formally and informally; on retreats and in daily life.

Where I am in practice: BURNING. After many years of relative peace, the universe has decided to give me a long, slow roasting leading to this fundamental realization: the problem is not in pain, but in resistance to pain. This resistance actually creates an ongoing discomfort that in many ways is worse than the pain itself (which doesn’t always come).

I came across the post on this forum that most of us are looking for “happiness sans suffering”, and that the pain is the “inability to let go.” That’s the message I’ve been getting fairly clearly. When you approach it this way, pain isn’t even a problem.

The other day, I wrote “I want to be happy.” Looking at it closely, this is just pointing to a set of feelings: the feeling “I”, the feeling “want” (which is a resistance to what is happening) and the feeling “happy” (light, flowing, uplifting). Looking at it in this way, it’s just a bunch of squiggly feelings.

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Jed McKenna

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Re: mattj
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2014, 11:31:50 pm »
Dear M:

Welcome and thank you for sharing your insights.

Love ya, Jed.

mattj

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Re: mattj
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2014, 10:32:46 am »
Thanks for the welcome.

So I've spent about the last hour trying to write something about I, but whatever I write doesn't cut it. The presence of "I" is immediate and obvious. But to say anything more leads to problems. I can't say "I see a window" because there is no line between a "me" and "the window." Objects don't exist apart from I, and I cannot understand I apart from objects. Yet, I itself is not an object, even though it appears to expand and contract, and I cannot say it comes or goes, even though it seems to arise on waking and disappear on sleep. I cannot say it changes, because the I am now is the same I was when I was a kid (or so I think), but I can't say it doesn't change because of all the statements before.

So the I can neither be affirmed nor denied. But then, so what? Eventually, I'll get back to work and fall back into old habits. Then something painful will come along jolt me back. Is this all just an endless back and forth?

Jed McKenna

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Re: mattj
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2014, 10:36:28 am »
Dear M:

One other member mentioned that he felt he was going around in cycles and I pointed out that they were probably more like a spiral. It might feel round and round, but it's really round and then up one (small perhaps) level, then it repeats.

Patience with yourself is called for.

Love ya, Jed.

mattj

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Re: mattj
« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2014, 09:23:09 am »
I suppose the issue is, I don't really know where I'm going. It feels somewhat aimless: pick up this for a while, see this, have this experience, move on. On the other hand, maybe this is what is needed.

It is easy to shift the story: life is meaningless, life is a river of divine energy, life is about saving all sentient beings, life is about just being here, life is about serving God, life is a random collection of atoms bouncing together. It is not unlike one of the older exercises on this forum, where you look at the same person as a saint or a sinner. I have lived all of these stories, and none of them could last because none of them are completely true (or completely false).

What is hard is to move past stories altogether.

mattj

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Re: mattj
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2014, 10:53:09 pm »
I've been having to deal with a lot of stress lately and it's interesting to change the story line. There is the sensation, but what can vary is how the sensation is taken. Taken as something to be resisted, or struggled with, it is a problem. But what if it isn't? What if this jerk or this problem or this discomfort is put here to burn away the crap that hold me back? Now it's different. What happens is the sensation tends to change. It is more loose, less tight, it starts to flow.

I can see the problem with the truth. I say, tell me how it is. But really, if any story is only somewhat true, well, what I'm asking for is the truest lie.

Jed McKenna

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Re: mattj
« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2014, 02:22:20 am »
Dear Mattj:

Excellent realization... now further.

Love ya, Jed.

mattj

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Re: mattj
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2014, 06:35:36 pm »
I feel like the thing to do is not take a position. Step back into the witness, and let everything flow, including the witness. But I also feel that this IS a position.

Jed McKenna

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Re: mattj
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2014, 09:27:30 pm »
Don't think too much about it.. it's just play.

Love ya, Jed.

mattj

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Re: mattj
« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2014, 12:58:00 pm »
As a follow up to your death/clinging rant, here's what seems to be my problem with clinging: you can't REALLY cling. About the best I can do is TRY to cling, or resist the flow.

The sensations of the world are too swift and changing--- I can't hold onto them. They slip right through my fingers. Even if I lay in bed and clench up all my muscles, the law of change will eventually put an end to it.

I see this with my son: I want to cling to him, but he keeps changing. That isn't a bad thing, because who would want to have a little baby forever? He grows, he changes, he transforms, just like everything else. And "I" can't really control the outcome. I can't make him one way or another, much like I can't control what thoughts appear in my mind or what people appear in my life or what sensations appear generally.

Still, there is resistance.


mattj

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Re: mattj
« Reply #10 on: November 06, 2014, 08:18:40 am »
The question that is coming lately is this: experience displays as a bunch of vibrating sensations. There are colors, sounds, and feeling sensations. When I can't sleep, I can see the entire field shift from "real world" to "dream world" fairly easily. When this happens, the nature of these sensations reveal themselves: not as physical objects, but as whirls of mind.

The tendency is to identify with a few of these sensations-- those associated with the body and the thinking mind. In this case, what I would call the bigger, formless me gets caught up with the little me sensations. However, when I relax, I tend to expand until it appears that the entire field of sensation is within a larger me (just as it is when I dream). It seems that separation (what you [Jed] call the root) comes from this tendency to identify with some, but not all, of the experience.   

mattj

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Re: mattj
« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2014, 08:12:47 pm »
The truth is whatever is arising/passing right now. By definition, any resistance to what is arising/passing right now is a resistance to, or rejection of, the truth. Which means resistance is based on a rejection of the truth. And it is pointless: how can I resist what is happening? Resisting what is happening won't stop the sensations, but it may make them stay longer. Which means resistance makes suffering last longer.

Jed McKenna

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Re: mattj
« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2014, 09:52:53 pm »
Yes, that's been my experience.

Love ya, Jed.

mattj

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Re: mattj
« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2014, 09:30:37 am »
Thanks, Jed.

So the bottom line is that it is both impossible and more painful to resist what is happening. It is irrational and based on ignorance.

Not only that, but given the constant, fluid nature of experience, there is nowhere to stand and make a resistance. It is really the ego personality that resists, but this is simply a pattern of liquid sensations itself.


Jed McKenna

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Re: mattj
« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2014, 10:37:46 am »
Very well expressed.

Love ya,  Jed.