INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Here is the bulk of emails I sent you, in order, as requested.  Please forgive the outbursts, I don't really have much of a filter these days.

Jed, I can't even look at my kids without seeing through them. Nothing has substance... Funny, you can say that two ways... People are so strange, it's like they're walking programs without really seeing anything outside of their heads. I see that they don't exist, and I see that I don't exist. I feel all the time like I'm just alone and talking to myself. Sometimes its okay and sometimes its so horrifying I feel like driving off the road just to see what would happen. I don't see myself honestly doing that, but the "why the **** not?" Is strong. I'm so grateful for my kids every moment, although they're not a consistent anything, just a swirl of colour and emotion, never constant but comforting for no real reason. It's like looking at who I used to be. Sorry i'm rambling. It's just like trying to talk to someone who may have an idea of my reality (even if I feel like i'm just talking to another program, even if I know there's NO other someone...)
I don't know.

I'm sorry. I don't even know why I wrote. It's like trying to find an echo in the dark.

I'm really stuck on one thing though. Clearly even trying to communicate with anyone else is taken on faith that they exist. But if we don't exist, then what's the point in trying at all? But if the I Am/ Consciousness is all there is, is it the same I Am looking out of all the lenses? Because infinity can't be disproven, so the I Am must extend in all directions through time and space (thus negating them so they don't exist) then is it really all the same thing talking to itself? Is there an I Am underneath the ego of my children? Or am I the only thing dreaming everything into existence? I hear how stupid that sounds, but this has been driving me nuts.

Let me clarify that- is the I AM looking out through my perspective THE one? It sounds so retardedly egoic to think such a thing, especially if infinity exists.  When my body blinks out, and my life from this perspective blinks out, then what?  Total darkness forever? Or is the I AM that inhabited this body then awakened somewhere else? Does it perpetuate?  It's enough for me most days to know that such a thing as consciousness exists- if I die then at least somewhere something is laughing, something is experiencing.

But I guess that's my question- does it blink out entirely when this perspective ceases? Or does whatever is viewing from in here view anything else ever again?

I'm really sorry to keep bugging you about all this.  I'm reminding myself of Julie in Incorrect, where she goes from rational to nutty in a paragraph.  I try really hard not to contact you unless I'm really stuck, but I've been here for literally weeks now and I'm about to claw my eyes out.

Thanks.

I'm sorry. I guess it looks like i'm still trying to grasp onto something when there's nothing left to grasp. Even if you answered, the answer would remain "I don't know" because I can't verify it myself, I'd be taking it on faith that you knew something that I didn't, which is beside the point, I think.
Regardless, i'm infinitely grateful for you, or I suppose the function you represent. Thank you.

To which you responded: In the interest of efficiency, please start a thread at jedmckenna.createaforum.com.

Thanks,

Love ya, Jed.

Which I responded rather rudely with:
Efficiency has never been my bag.  Thanks though.

And efficient for whom, by the way?  It's the same question, whether I cut and paste it to the forum or not.  I've read the forum, and frankly get tired of the back and forth between the zombies, and what do I care if I'm supposedly helping someone else by posing my question there? Compassion is fine when I'm not freaked out and desperate, but I don't bother writing you when I'm feeling compassionate. The whole **** question revolves around anyone else existing at all, around not living in a dead and remote oblivion occupied by one-who-is-none, and if you actually are the person who wrote the books, then maybe you have some insight. The likelihood of hearing anything but speculation from anyone else is frankly frustrating at this point.  I'm not interested.  I'm done with philosophers and coffee shop gurus, I want to hear it from someone who might have a **** answer, not an inflated opinion.  Call me arrogant, call me egoic, call me whatever the **** you want.  You've called me arrogant before, the one other time I actually wrote to you, and you were right, and I thanked you for it, and it unlocked something and it helped me. And now I'm stuck again, and I'm asking for help, and frankly I feel like one of those alone and desperate people that you talked about, and I certainly don't have anyone else to talk to, and thank you for that, too.  You say you're the guy who's a qualified tour guide who can help with the doors and the questions, so for the love of pete, help a sister out without making me create a bloody profile to ask you the same question.

I'm not trying to be rude, really.  I just... Please.

Look, I'm sorry.  That was really rude of me when I'm asking for your help.  I'll consider the forum.  I have a hard time (and no desire, really) to control my emotions at all anymore, and I go from calm to eruption at the drop of a hat and couldn't give a **** what anyone thinks.  I was familiar with the old forum, i hadn't realized you started a new one.  The last one seemed like everyone and their dog could post any opinion of anyone at anytime, which struck me as worse than pointless.  I'm not much of a team player, so the thought of publicly processing is difficult, despite the paradox of the absolute certainty nobody exists anyways.  My basic mode of operation is to hide this process at all costs. It's like, if the game realizes I've **** a code, it will eat me or something stupid.  I dunno.

Even now, I'm just typing into space.  Click, click, click.

Dear MP:

Thank you for your email. I have a forum rule, no more that 250 words per post. Please shorten things up next time. You will find it helps to be more concise. The efficiency is for this body. It works long hours with the forum and Navigator Series, not to mention other projects. You seem to be concerned about blinking out, or dying, is that true? Does it really matter? What control do you have over it? Do you even know what you next thought will be?

How can you communicate with anyone else when there is no one else. They, out there, are only appearances and they are there for one reason only, novelty, surprise and entertainment (all the same thing). If you are tired of the back and forth between zombies then I suggest you don't read the forum.

The old  forum was a dogs breakfast, this is very different. If you are not big on sharing publicly then I suggest that is what you need to do most right now. Just share were you are at, and stop thinking that you are so special and your stories and emotions are so important. They are just entertainment and you are not enjoying it as much as you could be. You don't need to create a profile just keep writing out a condensed version of your experiences.

See what comes up. Remember to breath and stop being such a drama queen. You really aren't as important as you think you are.

Love ya, Jed.

But then we're back to not being able to verify, so...

It's now again...

My automatic guess would be "Yes" because I see the universe working around me and watch the pins line up daily.  I barely think of something a second before I'm presented with it and I have no doubt that you nailed it with C-rex.  It's all one thing.  But when you subtract the ego from the perceiver, all that's left is I AM.  So then when you subtract the I AM perceiver (death) then my own personal universe (*hums Depeche Mode*) would cease to be.  But what about the rest of it?  Would there still be I AM/Consciousness?  We've confirmed that such a thing exists, that it's all there is, that what I am is also that... But what about the I AM that just told me communication can't exist? (Aka, you, Jed)  If I blink out, do you cease to exist?

I think it's been the same question the whole time, I hope I'm expressing it clearly.  It's not a fear thing, it's more of a monkey-faced head scratcher. 

I'd be really interested in your thoughts on the matter, though.

And THEN, moving onto infinity- if Consciousness is infinite, then when this body dies, this universe disappears, but that doesn't necessarily mean that there aren't any other universes surrounding different I AMs, or different perspectives of the same I AM, does it?

I think by writing 8 smaller paragraphs I have effectively made the 250 word limit obsolete.  Sorry.   

Dear MP:

''Is there any way to verify that the I AM in this body, which is the only one I can verify, exists also outside of this body?  Is it the same I AM that is now telling me communication is impossible?''

How do you verify that you are, or that you are the ''I am''? Don't think that it's self-evident because I can't see any evidence for it. Some folks teach that the only thing you can know for sure is that you are. I go one step further, there is nothing you can know...period.

Love ya, Jed.

SOMEthing is perceiving... And yet, nothing.  No Thing.

I'll work on that.  Thank you.

love k