Hey Jed, coming to terms with not being as serious as I thought. Too many instructions on what to do, and I read all of them. Meditate or do inquiry or breathe this way or whatever and all I wanted to do was distract myself, not really do it.
Hasn't changed. I can feign I don't care or just... wait.
Things are changing, maybe more quickly outside than inside. Still slow, often preparing for effort and avoiding any actual effort, losing the available time for efforting to laptops, some puff-puff and sleeping a lot. Also phone calls. But things still move, if slowly.
To approach with discipline or allow the life to fall apart, if necessary? Why do I think there's a choice?
Still holding on, most likely tighter than I know.
To report on experience, the sensations are vague, and I don't know what to actually do. Struggling with that by trying to know, the compulsive bursts of thought. I freeze in the face of fear, and either the personality will undo itself (unlikely, if not impossible) or life will drag me with it. So it seems #drama
Nothing I expect you can do about the lack of momentum. Or so I say. "Just reporting"
Already embarrassed to post this. There's a lot of stupidity here, insanity. But I still don't hate it yet.
Knowing how much more quickly this process could go, according to imagination, seems to keep me stuck. Like the shame of not being further along, not already where I "should" be, demotivates.
"Can I even expect him to read it?" A fear of imposing myself. Self-worth < other-worth, so to speak.
I could go all day, but every fear raddled off seems surface-level. A resistance to starting somewhere and digging. And the apparent knowing of what I should be doing a reason to be restless. Maybe it's just this for now. Just a part of the process. Even standing in place can't be avoided.
Reading the last post I wrote was simultaneously entertaining and cringe inducing. Taking myself seriously until it's okay to do so.
Can't avoid planning it seems. Thinking is mired in it.
Also seem to keep editing this post, which happens plenty of beyond the scope of internet forums. Seems somehow in poor taste, at least on this medium.
Continually noticing the attempted covering of places for you to know more than me. Buffers against "dualistic" thinking, or having an opinion you could correct. I'm scared of being stupid, less intelligent. Feels like there are better words for it.