Author Topic: My Thread. Mine.  (Read 2006 times)

john d'oh!

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 33
My Thread. Mine.
« on: October 14, 2014, 09:20:51 pm »
Figuring out where I'm at and what to post. Saving this space. Be back when the time's right.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter


Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2014, 02:21:09 am »
Dear A:

Take your time and thank you for your thoughtfulness as there are others that I must respond to.

Best as concise as possible.

Love ya, Jed.

john d'oh!

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 33
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2014, 01:11:26 pm »
Aight so:

- Have had a no-self realization and stuff like that so figured I'd taken the first step.
- Was wrong.
- Recognized the "all that is-ness" of consciousness, that perceiver and perceived are one, and life is basically shifting sensory experiences.
- Recognized that none of those immediate sensory experiences, in which I'm including thoughts, can a separate "me" be found.
- With that said, have had some trouble discovering my emotional tethers, so this appears more an issue of heart than head (although the relationship between the two makes that statement a little silly).
- Kiloby's my homeboy, currently learning the Living Inquiries and plan on sharpening self-facilitation skills.

So I mentally understand that this life amounts to no more than a dream and I recognize the fear the keeps me alive, reacting, asleep. Thing is, I'm not thoroughly disgusted by it. In your books you mention the burning desire to kill all the bullsh*t that comes with the First Step. I ain't there, and it surprises me that, despite the recognition I'm nothing more than a bundle of fear-based patterns, despite realizing the depth and totality of my captivity, I don't have enough fuel to start this fire.

WTF does it take to become monomaniacal, to hate this enough to start the war? I'm taking the lack of black hatred and gutwrenching emotional upheaval as a sign that I've yet to start a f*cking thing.

If you have some exercise for me or something that's cool, just no ounce-a-day sh*t.

Edit: Noticed that while here at work I'm practically waiting with baited breath for your response. Consider my personal sovereignty abdicated until then.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2014, 02:34:34 pm by aar24 »

john d'oh!

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 33
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2014, 03:10:49 pm »
Hey Jed, seeing this more as a personal sovereignty issue at the moment. Makes that ending remark in my previous post funny to me for a different reason than it was at the time.

I'm realizing that the whole idea of a First Step and burning hatred for all that is false being necessary for finding truth came from, well, you and you only. Hanging onto those ideas like gospel when they aren't part of my experience is pretty dumb.

Sorry Jed but **** your First Step, **** your books, and **** you.

Love ya, Al.

P.S. Would be curious to hear why you denoted all that burning hatred anger stuff as totally necessary for this, as if there is no other way. Kinda got the idea in my head that if that's not what's happening, you're not getting to T/R. Seems like your version of T/R, of done, requires no emotional attachment to anything, but the appearance of an emotionally attached individual doesn't make realization any less truthy.

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2014, 01:13:18 am »
Hi there:

I don't understand. Please restate.

Love ya, Jed.

john d'oh!

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 33
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2014, 04:52:02 pm »
Sure. Is the burning hatred for all that's false and the subsequent cutting of all emotional ties necessary to achieve T/R? Does the appearance of an emotionally attached person (i.e. the "seeker aspirant victim" being triggered) mean that one isn't T/R?

If this is still unclear in any way let me know.

john d'oh!

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 33
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2015, 01:24:05 pm »
Hey Jed and anyone else that happens to peruse, felt moved to come back here.

Upon reading the previous posts, I recognize this old hangup over the bloody hatred of falseness phenomenon, the idea that the dreamer must absolutely despise his falseness to make it to this place Jed calls "done."

Perhaps I'm spiritually indolent or something, but I've actually come to appreciate the self. I don't sense this self-hatred Jed wrote about in my experience; rather, an acceptance of the self's existence coupled with a watchfulness of its workings. There's a gradual increase of sensitivity to it, of recognizing where and how it shows up in experience, but again, this boiling hatred for it doesn't come. Sometimes there's self-criticism, like "jeez this self is so reactive, so out of control, there's no end in sight;" however, this comes across more as annoyance than hatred, the way you'd feel about your dog peeing on the rug or something.

Also, I'm not tucked away in a cabin somewhere doing spiritual autolysis every waking hour. So there's that.

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2015, 09:34:56 pm »
Dear egomaniac:

Nothing is absolutely necessary for T/R other than seeing what is. Six or seven billion ways to do that and all point to only one thing. Look and see, I can 't do that for you.

Love ya, Jed.

john d'oh!

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 33
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2015, 01:52:25 am »
Hey Jed, coming to terms with not being as serious as I thought. Too many instructions on what to do, and I read all of them. Meditate or do inquiry or breathe this way or whatever and all I wanted to do was distract myself, not really do it.

Hasn't changed. I can feign I don't care or just... wait.

Things are changing, maybe more quickly outside than inside. Still slow, often preparing for effort and avoiding any actual effort, losing the available time for efforting to laptops, some puff-puff and sleeping a lot. Also phone calls. But things still move, if slowly.

To approach with discipline or allow the life to fall apart, if necessary? Why do I think there's a choice?

Still holding on, most likely tighter than I know.

To report on experience, the sensations are vague, and I don't know what to actually do. Struggling with that by trying to know, the compulsive bursts of thought.  I freeze in the face of fear, and either the personality will undo itself (unlikely, if not impossible) or life will drag me with it. So it seems #drama

Nothing I expect you can do about the lack of momentum. Or so I say. "Just reporting"

Already embarrassed to post this. There's a lot of stupidity here, insanity. But I still don't hate it yet.

Knowing how much more quickly this process could go, according to imagination, seems to keep me stuck. Like the shame of not being further along, not already where I "should" be, demotivates.

"Can I even expect him to read it?" A fear of imposing myself. Self-worth < other-worth, so to speak.

I could go all day, but every fear raddled off seems surface-level. A resistance to starting somewhere and digging. And the apparent knowing of what I should be doing a reason to be restless. Maybe it's just this for now. Just a part of the process. Even standing in place can't be avoided.

Reading the last post I wrote was simultaneously entertaining and cringe inducing. Taking myself seriously until it's okay to do so.

Can't avoid planning it seems. Thinking is mired in it.

Also seem to keep editing this post, which happens plenty of beyond the scope of internet forums. Seems somehow in poor taste, at least on this medium.

Continually noticing the attempted covering of places for you to know more than me. Buffers against "dualistic" thinking, or having an opinion you could correct. I'm scared of being stupid, less intelligent. Feels like there are better words for it.

john d'oh!

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 33
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2015, 01:53:27 am »
It seems so much an honesty test.

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2015, 02:01:18 am »
Hi there.

If fighting the illusion doesn't work for you, then love it too death. It can be done that way. Forget about being honest. It's not possible. You are using words which originated with Maya/ego. Humans are the people of the lie. Just get used to it and do the best you can to be Truthish.

Love ya, Jed.

john d'oh!

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 33
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #11 on: November 19, 2015, 01:06:05 pm »
Unlimited perspectives, some strategically chosen by nobody, a self-automated virus.

At the moment, wrestling with the idea of control. Like it's obvious that the phenomena are totally out of control, but from the perspective of the virus. Attempts to rearrange the phenomena >>> having to reveal more code, according to its apparent algorithm.

Some of the "code" coming up of late is sexual, stuff that's not socially acceptable and rests on the border of "Can I love that?" and "I' don't really wanna do that, right?" I tell myself that everybody must have **** like that going on underneath, that to sexually repress is human, because feeling like I'm the only one sucks. Thinking nobody would listen to the specifics without being paid, that I'd be likely to end up in a looney bin...

And I know feel I'm just getting started.

The other part is social, seeing how much fear is really at the wheel. Allowing that, or beating myself up, and allowing that. I see that needing any of that to change is the same problem.

The love will come if it comes. There's glimpses, and then there's the rest of the ride.

Jed McKenna

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15127
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #12 on: November 19, 2015, 09:12:10 pm »
It's all a ride.

Enjoy... Jed.

john d'oh!

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 33
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #13 on: November 24, 2015, 09:34:31 pm »
Just re-read most of your second book. Not under any illusions that I'm doing anything but idly passing the time - regardless, was a fun reread.

Been thinking about commitment to this process. The first thread of the delusion has been exposed, on the outer edge of blanket, keeping me warm and giving me a place to hide. Pulled it enough to see some stuff, and it seems I may be content with that. If I'm not meant to really get into this journey, so be it. Who cares? Zzz...

I've seen enough to entertain doing what I actually want. To disobey. Forces undoubtedly push and pull without my say, yet on the surface I seem, if not freer, slightly more lucid about my makeup, about being pushed and pulled. If I get tired of that and wish to dissolve it, I'm glad I've had your books to reference, that I'll have a map, something that lets me know I'm undergoing a human thing. Simultaneously walking off the Earth and following an archetype. And, again, if not, zzz...

john d'oh!

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 33
Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #14 on: November 24, 2015, 11:42:54 pm »
Distractions vs inevitability in a no-holds barred cage match