Author Topic: My Thread. Mine.  (Read 2004 times)

john d'oh!

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #15 on: November 25, 2015, 12:06:25 am »
The doctor prescribed an ounce-a-day for my insanity but I'm taking pills instead. Zzz...

Dreaming about locations on a map, where do I fit? Zzz... Pills may be wearing off but I'm still comfortably numb. Not looking forward to spreading out the doses. Weed, laptop, sleep, reading, calling people, compulsive ruminating - eyes shut and writing here helplessly. I know you can't help me. I'm writing to myself. There's no kidding myself about self-perpetuating my own sleepwalking. Jailer and jailed.

Zzz...

Not expecting answers anymore. I can just write outward? Thinking it must be frustrating, writing a book about waking up and having people go OUTWARD? OUTWARD? OUTWARD? In limbo between not being serious about this waking up business and being less involved in dream circumstances. Plenty of time for distractions. Narcotization. Obvious why you said you don't do it unless you can't not. I feel like I'm not at round 1 yet, already throwing in the towel. Even if I did start, where would it go? Distraction or suicide.

Zzz... Ain't gotta feel a thang. Reading this giving myself "too smart for your own good" vibes. Lalalalala


Jed McKenna

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #16 on: November 25, 2015, 12:50:56 am »
 ;) ;) ;) ;D ;D ;D ;D ??? ??? ??? ::) ::) ::) ::)

john d'oh!

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #17 on: November 25, 2015, 01:06:28 am »
Hey that wasn't what I was looking for, where's my advice? :'(

Jed McKenna

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #18 on: November 25, 2015, 01:32:47 am »
It all lies in between the lines...  erh..  faces.

Love ya, Jed.

john d'oh!

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2016, 01:14:38 pm »
Hey again,

About to go off to a distant land with not much to do but chill out and be in the jungle. Equal parts beautiful and horrifying.

Feel stuck at a place where it's obvious that the body isn't what it's seemed, nothing but an assumption about passing perceptions that I don't know the origin or substance of, and I can't seem to find what I am. Still feels like I haven't actually started, though I suspect I'm just on a slower pre-school plan right now (hope that I'll "actually start" embedded in the suspicion).

The world doesn't seem as attractive - suspect I won't find happiness there. Girls and close friends/family - in a word, "people," - are the biggest draw. Guess I just float down the lazy river and actually look when/if I'm ready. Not sure if there's a way I could get things kick-started, and not sure if I would even if I could.

Thanks for helping me recognize that I'm not really doing the thing, that I'm happily snoozing, even if I occasionally trick myself into thinking otherwise.

Love you, too. As best I can.

Jed McKenna

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #20 on: July 11, 2016, 12:36:15 am »
Safe travels and say hello to the vine if you meet her.

Love ya, Jed

john d'oh!

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #21 on: October 22, 2016, 01:37:03 pm »
I'm full of ****. Typed up a message about "me who doesn't wanna feel" hoping you'd say something like "Oh this is good, soon it will be upon you and you'll suffer and throw up all your supposed issues in a big black ball of tar and be all happy and loving and full of light or enlightened..."

Numb out, distract, hope. Wanna say "until I grow tired of it," but it's just... hope. I don't KNOW that this gets better, that life isn't just myopic cycles of discontent, craving and aversion, walking in distracted circles towards my grave.

Nobody can help me. There's nothing I can read. There's no magic knowledge to be bestowed upon me. I'm just full of **** and numb about it. 

john d'oh!

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #22 on: October 22, 2016, 10:56:32 pm »
How to determine the question? Could use a way to focus - still feel too all over the place.

Jed McKenna

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #23 on: October 23, 2016, 01:20:26 am »
In Truth you are everywhere and everywhere is you. No problem. Just entertainment. Thoughts create problems and thoughts are not real... hence neither are problems.

Love ya, Jed.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2017, 07:16:04 am by Jed McKenna »

john d'oh!

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #24 on: April 01, 2017, 04:18:17 pm »
Hi again Jed.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes this child in my chest peaks out. He's small and scared, and just wants to love.

Seems all I can do is comfort him when he's ready, to give him what he needs, to stop making demands of him.

I love you.

Jed McKenna

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #25 on: April 02, 2017, 07:19:05 am »
Tell him to go back to the drawing board and come up with a good question... :P :P :P :P

Love ya, Jed

john d'oh!

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #26 on: April 02, 2017, 04:30:24 pm »
I re-read your excerpts in Incorrect about questions, how the question is the obstacle. I've never quite understood that bit. I see how the lack of an answer is irrelevant.

Take it you're saying the fact that questioning is happening points to the confusion, that finding the "right" question is a matter of directing a light to the apparent confusion.

The main obstacle right now seems to be around the other humans, wanting their love. It's like it hasn't clicked that what I'm looking for isn't where I'm looking for it, that there's nothing humans can really give me, and that even if they could they'd be an unreliable resource for it.

But how to pose it as a question escapes me. "Why" seems dumb. How wanting humans happens, what that wanting is seems obviously relevant but I get the sense these types of questions aren't what you were getting at. Clarification here would be nice if possible.

Jed McKenna

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #27 on: April 03, 2017, 01:35:50 am »
As Buddha is purported to have said (he probably said a millionth of what has been attributed to him), the cause of suffering is desire.  :( :( :(

Desire is an attachment or an aversion (same thing, but different polarities) to anything, and the most painful ones are the one you create though your stories.  :P :P :P

At the H/A level human love is attainable but not the garbage society says it is. At T/R, human love is meaningless because there is no one ''out there'' to love. In reality, ''LOVE" is all there is. But I reiterate, it's not what you think it is.  :-* :-* :-*

Desire what you will but I caution you against being attached to your desires. Attachment glue is very sticky. The solvent is available in limitless quantities, intent awareness. Desire your human love all you want, it can be fun... but don't take it, or anything... including me, seriously. Seriousness is a much more weighty illness than desire and it is currently at pandemic proportions.  :'( :'( :'(

On a more practical level, something that a few of my Nav Series students have used successfully, I suggest you list the qualities you seek in a lover. Five or ten will do. Then turn all your effort spent in thinking and seeking love to living/modelling out the qualities you seek. Forget about chasing human love, just focus on being those qualities you seek. I guarantee that given enough patience someone ''special'' will come into your life.  :o :o :o

Remember, anything that comes goes.  ??? ??? ??? Said person will eventually leave you (or visa versa)  :-\ :-\ :-\ as this is the nature of the dream. Watch closely how he/she speaks of and deals with past relationships, which how they will treat you as well when it ends.  :o :o :o

When you eventually tire of such things (trust me, you will) you can focus your energy more effectively on the only thing that ''might'' matter in this dream... you know.... THAT!  ;) ;) ;)


Love ya, Jed.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2017, 01:48:49 am by Jed McKenna »
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john d'oh!

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #28 on: April 03, 2017, 08:27:25 am »
So the simple act of listing qualities was pretty enlightening (excuse the word choice)
1. nurturing, "everything is okay"
2. accepting of my neuroses (feel comfortable enough to share honestly)
3. sense of humor
4. lacks concern in appearances (i can wear sweatpants continuously without incident)
5. cute face and a tight little body

I had to struggle for anything past number 1, so I reiterated it in number 2 then made up some **** in the rest. As far as modeling goes, the takeaway seems to be, if anything, to be more nurturing myself so I don't need to go out and nab a second mother. Don't see the point in trying to be funny (already do that too much for my liking) or getting a sex change (although I guess that might be traumatizing enough to initiate a death/rebirth process).

Made it clearer WHY I'm seeking a love relationship -  I just wanna be coddled.

Edit: Also, what's a man without a woman? My hot air balloon of masculinity's at stake here.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2017, 05:36:11 pm by john d'oh! »

john d'oh!

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Re: My Thread. Mine.
« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2017, 09:53:32 pm »
In other news, finding it funny how I keep forgetting that, ultimately, I actually do know what's best for me. (Okay maybe not ultimately, but for now.)

Note to self: Breathwork GOOD. Vocalizing GOOD. Movement GOOD. And none of it requires outside techniques (body knows best).