Author Topic: Newbie  (Read 1099 times)

AZS

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Newbie
« on: January 23, 2018, 02:38:17 pm »
Hi.
My very first post.
At the moment the saying that "words are the lies that we use to describe the truth" reflects how I feel a lot of the time - the words/thoughts feel like an unnecessary cover on top of this calm, dark emptiness I feel inside. I haven't felt like that since forever (or maybe ever) so it feels nice. But my mind then gets bored and the "search" resumes but it is less intense than before. My search started with a huge depression a few years ago when I realised that nothing outside of me makes me happy. I then questioned what I knew to find out what is true and it led to a realisation that EVERYTHING is a belief that cannot be verified (at least not via the senses I have access to) and my depression deepened as I decided that life is meaningless. I then heard about non-duality and loved the concept and tried to find who I am.
I've done a lot of stuff since (e.g. facing my shadow etc) and surly enough I am more content with my life, a lot more honest about how I feel, a lot less scared about what others may think about me and a lot more discerning about the stories and projections my mind runs. However, I have not realised the Truth and I believe that changing my personality/thought processes makes life more comfortable but it has nothing to do with the Truth. I do not know what to do because at the moment it feels like whatever I do just leads me further away from whatever that is I am looking  for. I think I may be, on some level, waiting for "the final experience" and that's why I am missing out. Like I said, any thoughts/words feel like a lie and at the same time I still do not know the Truth.

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Jed McKenna

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2018, 10:51:42 pm »
Dear A:

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. You have been doing well, perhaps better than you know. Yes, T/R does have a certain plainness to it. Your goal of experiencing non-duality is the result of some over-sales. It's a symptom and not the disease. Anything you use as a filter/expectancy is sufficient to hide the nature of Truth and T/R.

I suggest you stop ''waiting'', relax, breathe and just be with what arises to you. Both you and any arising is dream material. but there is some ''thingy'' that it is all occurring in. Look for what isn't....

Best wishes, Jed

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2018, 05:10:51 am »
Hi Jed,

Thank you very much for your reply.

I have meditated on your “instructions” to stop “waiting” and wrote the thoughts and questions that were coming up. The last one was “How do I stop my mind from looking for the Truth in the dream?” and then I had to laugh because I realised that you already gave me my answer: “Look for what isn’t..” I will do that and see what comes up next.

Again, thank you!

Jed McKenna

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2018, 12:16:05 pm »
Cheers....

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2018, 02:01:28 pm »
So I gave my mind the task to look for what isn't. And it tried, it really did! lol And then it got super super frustrated! And then I saw it very clearly that NOTHING that can be perceived, however subtle, can be the Truth. Physically I experienced it as a relaxation and spaciousness - that's how I often experience a falling away of/seeing through beliefs. I have a sense that it is my "waiting" for an experience of the Truth that fell away or, at least, lost some of its stickiness.

I also I saw that mind is part of the phenomenal world and EVERYTHING that can be perceived or experienced is part of the same phenomenal world too and has nothing to do with the Truth. This insight brought a relief and also a sense that I can enjoy this world/dream! And also an awe that it exists at all!

I also realised that I was somehow resentful at the world/dream because it couldn't/wouldn't show me the Truth - this resentment seems to have also fallen away (at least for now) giving way to an influx of energy that felt like gratitude and excitement. I had this thought, that it is like asking a dog to meow and getting resentful that it doesn't:-) A dream is a dream and the Truth is the Truth and the latter ain't in the former.

I still don't know what the Truth is but what I seem to have realised deeply today that it is not in anything that can be perceived and that's a relief. Further..
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Jed McKenna

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2018, 09:56:52 pm »
Dear A:

Thank you for making my day. Wonderful work.

Love ya, Jed.

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2018, 10:50:47 am »
Thank you very much for your support, Jed!

When I woke up today I had this insight that the dream character CANNOT wake up. I did some lucid dreaming in the past and that's the analogy that came to mind - when I became lucid in my dreams, the character I projected did not wake up or somehow could perceive the dreamer, it just knew that it wasn't real and therefore could have fun in a world without limitations. I think my mind wants to "touch' and objectify the Truth and it cannot. Just like the dream character could not "touch'/perceive the dreamer in any way. However, I can feel that the "searching'/"wanting to objectify" momentum is still there even if it is less sticky - it's like it became a habit. So my sense is that my next step is to observe whenever the mind moves towards that particular groove and use the tools I've learned so far to unlearn that habit and then see what happens.  Further...

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2018, 05:02:46 pm »
OMG I see it!! I am NO-THING appearing as THINGS and then somehow identifying with some of those things (a body/mind mechanism or rather a bundle of sensations, sounds and thoughts) but not others... Jesus Christ.. How f****** simple and obvious!!! Further..

Jed McKenna

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2018, 12:25:56 am »
Great first step... now.. how far can you go?

Love ya, Jed.

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2018, 03:01:53 am »
When I focus on your question, Jed, what comes is that, at this point, there is no choice really. On the NO-THING level any idea of movement/choice of  any movement is just that, an idea that is utterly meaningless. On the phenomenal level, it appears that a process is happening and it is happening spontaneously i.e. the character does not have a choice and is just going through motions. The best way I can describe this process is a deconstruction of identification with the character. What has been seen yesterday is that the mental and emotional construct of who I believed I was (i.e. a separate individual) has been in this process of deconstruction for a while. The most sticky point, for me, was the belief that I am the body - no matter how much I tried I could not see past that one. Yesterday, it has been seen that there was a belief that in order to exist there must be identification of some sort but turns out that THAT which is, just is and no object is needed for it to be (this is the best I can describe this at this point). That is when the body was seen as another object rather than the subject. So this morning, as part of this ongoing process, what has been seen that the belief/idea "I think" is completely superfluous because thinking just arises from that nothingness/void/emptiness and there is no thinker and has never been.

So at this point the answer to your question is that the sense is that "I" can go until the deconstruction is complete and after that I truly do not know the answer (at least not yet).

Thank you for your question, Jed - it had me see more clearly the process that has been in motion. Further...

Jed McKenna

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2018, 08:29:26 am »
Blessings on your journey.

Love ya, Jed.

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2018, 10:35:16 am »
Thank you, Jed.

Love, A

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2018, 11:29:34 am »
So I was sitting with this realisation that I am NO-THING and I thought "Well, how can everything be One if here I am feeling the body but not feeling my cat who is sitting over there". . And then I saw - oh, feeling sensations in the body is just one way of perceiving and seeing the cat is another and hearing the traffic is another but they are all ways in which something arises out of NO-THING. Any difference between them is an idea. There is no difference between perceiving sensations/images/sounds - it's ALL perception that constitutes the phenomenal world. Saying that because one body is felt and the other one is only seen or remembered by the mind then it means that the first body is "me" and the other bodies are not "me". It is ALL perception. The separation between "me" and "not me" is an idea based on the belief that somehow one form of perception (feeling sensations/hearing "my" stomach gargle) means that it is "mine" and the other (seeing a cat, hearing my friend's body move) that it is not "mine". Further..

Jed McKenna

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2018, 03:54:03 am »
Great realizations... stick with it... further... and then... further.

Love ya, Jed.

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2018, 11:44:17 am »
Thank you, Jed.

Last night I've journeyed and have had an experience where I saw that there is only Love/Truth and the heart opened up. When this happens there are no questions, just THIS/LOVE/TRUTH and the whole search thing doesn't have any meaning whatsoever. There is compassion and love for the character in that space and an understanding that the character is a reflection of THAT and the paradox of NO-THING and the manifest world is seen and understood. Further...