Author Topic: Newbie  (Read 1099 times)

Jed McKenna

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #30 on: February 15, 2018, 04:44:07 am »
Good plan.... 8) ::)

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #31 on: February 15, 2018, 05:43:56 am »
So grasping mechanism of the mind is where the focus is at the moment.

After contemplating your words, what I called  "madness" ended up being seen as a heaviness in the solar plexus area that was labelled as fear/anxiety. Having sat with that sensation, a lot of intense crying happened.And then attention spontaneously went towards the belly and then the feet and the heaviness vanished. It then came back a few times but then vanished again when I would direct my attention downwards. What was seen is that that particular sensation of heaviness is how the grasping of the mind manifests in the body. It's like a warning sign saying "the mind is trying to grasp again" - I do not "see" the thought of grasping but I can feel it in my body once that particular mechanism is running.

So what has been happening is that I keep on brining my attention to my feet and once my attention is there for a few moments any grasping stops. And when that happens there is nothing particular to say really. It is just what it is - not very exciting for the mind but it seems to be where my attention wants to be at the moment. Further...

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #32 on: February 17, 2018, 10:20:20 am »
Nothing much is happening on the mental level at the moment. It's like as soon as a story/concept starts arising a thought comes "I see through you and/or I don't believe you" and the whole thing falls like a house of cards. There is a clearer seeing of when the concept/story making mechanism is set in motion and at that point it appears to be dropped more often than not. And as a result there is a clearer seeing just how it's all made up and illusory.

Another thing I noticed is that "I want/need" belief/concept in relation to the doing made by the body is often no longer there. So the body moves but the thought on top that says "I wanted/want to do this" doesn't appear. It's like the ownership of the movements made by the body is fading which makes the whole thing kind of effortless. Further...

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #33 on: February 19, 2018, 01:49:48 am »
Last night I realised that "attention" is a concept. There is nothing that moves. Just different objects and a thought that "my attention" moves from one object to the other. This morning the identification with the tension between the eyes fell away - this was the sensation that I believed was "me" as that was the sensation that was thought to control  "attention". And then it was seen that there is nobody there doing/thinking/deciding/feeling anything. I can't even call THAT within which objects arise a Void/Nothingness. I can't call it anything. It's not experienceable so even calling it "it" is not accurate. What I can say is that "I"/"me" is just a thought - that is very clear now.

I can see how the familiar  thoughts "what's the point? why to do anything?" coupled with the depressive feelings are arising but they are faint and seen as non-sensical so they don't seem to stick. When a few years ago I realised that nothing outside me had intrinsic value that's where the mind went and the the seeking ensued because there was a pull to escape feeling depressed.

Also what I am noticing is that the same feelings/thoughts arise but it is seen that it's kind of mechanical - stimuli followed by habituated responses. Nobody is "doing/deciding to do" the response. It's like a clock - it's ticking and moving but nobody is making it tick/move, it's just set up that way.

Further...


AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #34 on: February 20, 2018, 01:03:42 pm »
The thoughts are believed less and less. There are moments where it is absolutely clear that there is nobody and nothing to perceive. It's like the connecting thought between, say, a sound and a bodily sensation that says "I am hearing a sound" is dropped in those moments. Further...

Jed McKenna

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #35 on: February 22, 2018, 03:02:25 am »
All good....

Cheers.

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #36 on: February 22, 2018, 10:15:01 am »
Thank you, Jed.

Today I saw that it is an assumption/belief to say that if there is a thought then there must be a thinker/place from which it comes from. Well, in my direct experience thoughts appear to arise from nothing/nowhere at all - there is nobody/nothing behind them that is thinking i.e. no source. And it had me thinking that it applies not just to thoughts. Whenever there is an action/sensation/sound there is an immediate assumption that there must be someone/something doing/sensing/making a sound. It's such a deeply ingrained belief that it is kind of invisible and automatic and saying it's otherwise would be appear crazy to the majority of people. And that's another thing that's happening - I do not have much to say to people nowadays. It's like the inner impulse to share things about "me" (which I used to love) is dying down. And it's all ok. The mind is slowly but surely unwinding its layers of beliefs and there is nobody there to care/be scared/excited about it. Like you say, it is kind of flat but not in a numb/repressed kind of way. Further...

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #37 on: February 22, 2018, 03:32:02 pm »
What has just been seen is that not only that the thoughts do not come from anywhere but that they also do not belong to anybody (neither to "me" nor to the "observer"). Further...

Jed McKenna

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #38 on: February 24, 2018, 09:12:43 am »
Great realizations... stick with it.

Love ya, Jed.

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #39 on: February 25, 2018, 04:45:28 am »
Thank you for your support on here, Jed - it is appreciated.

The inner unwinding of beliefs/assumptions is ongoing. Since the realisation that thoughts do not have a source and do not belong to anybody, the whole belief structure got even looser. Even the most fundamental assumptions are being seen through. Recently I saw a video on Neti Neti (I've heard these words before but have never known what it actually meant) and realised that that's the process that has been happening in my mind for a bit now. The difference is that before it would be seen as confusion and the mind would try to grasp something to get out of it asap, whereas now it is seen and felt as a neutral, no thought "place"(the latter is obviously an absolutely inadequate description of something I cannot explain in words - the expression I heard describing it as  a "no state state" kind of fits as it is not experienced as a state hence a difficulty in explaining it). 

Also, I can't fully verbalise it yet but there are moments where it is very clearly seen that the structure of this world/belief system has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the Truth. What comes to mind is the use of analogies - if you don't know something an analogy with something you do know helps you understand that which you do not know. Well the Truth and this world/belief system are sooooo radically different that no analogy from the world of perception can help one understand the Truth.

Further...

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #40 on: February 26, 2018, 09:46:05 am »
T/R does not make the character happy/resolved - it doesn't make the character anything. T/R is the absence of anything that makes up the dream and the character. T/R is irrelevant for the character and the character is irrelevant for T/R. Further...

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #41 on: February 27, 2018, 04:54:21 am »
Today I had a fight with my boyfriend and I could see how the ego/belief in a separate self was taking centre stage -  body chemistry firing up and the mind using what’s happening in the body to create a story of “I am right and you are oh so wrong!”. I tried a few tools to cut the story’s momentum short which did work to stop it “growing” but the resentment, self-righteousness and hurt were still there and wouldn’t budge.   Then I got busy with work and then, boom, the story was gone/a shift in perception occurred while “I” wasn’t looking. This had me see that “I” cannot make a story go away – the story goes/perception shifts when it does. I guess the only thing I still experience like it is within “my” control is to be able to ignore the pull of the story by not feeding any thoughts that arise (either negative (“he is a b*stard) or positive (“he is a good person”)) which leads to some sort of blankness where no story exists and that stops the story from gaining more momentum than it already has. Further… 

Jed McKenna

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #42 on: February 27, 2018, 07:37:24 am »
Yes, how can a story called ''I'' make another story called ''pain/separation'' go away.. where is ''away''? Where is it in the first place?

Stop for a moment... you are talking about the event, one in the past, and using your memory (highly flawed) to help rationalize things. If you didn't enjoy the argument why on earth would you engage in it? Now, you might have enjoyed it, and it appears so, you stayed in it and engage. None of that matters a tinker's damn... but maybe next time you will see the argument starting up and think something like.. ''Wait, been there, done that... do I want it again''.

Now, in my experience, I don't think it matters if you argue or don't, but I do place some value on your awareness of what is going on. Enjoy your arguing and don't fret about it later, that makes no sense to me. Or, you might just say ''screw it'' and walk out. Also just fine. Whatever you do doesn't matter at all... but can you be aware of what is going on? How deeply can you take you awareness.

Remember, your awareness is not a logical analysis or proving one right or wrong... it's just pure un-adulterated awareness.... simple but not easy.

Love ya, Jed.


AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #43 on: February 27, 2018, 11:05:04 am »
“Whatever you do doesn't matter at all... but can you be aware of what is going on?” “Remember, your awareness is not a logical analysis or proving one right or wrong... it's just pure un-adulterated awareness....”

OMG, yes!!! It clicked, it finally f*cking clicked!! Nothing’s changed but the vantage point shifted from the character to the awareness but without anybody/anything shifting – this is the only way I can put it at the moment.. Thank you, Jed!!

Further...

AZS

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Re: Newbie
« Reply #44 on: February 28, 2018, 04:13:07 am »
Yes, what’s happening doesn’t matter from the standpoint of pure awareness (even the worst suffering and pain, or the most sublime bliss and peace). Awareness is just aware of all of it but it doesn’t have any qualities – the word that comes to mind is “transparent”. Like a mirror that reflects everything without itself being anything that it reflects. That’s why the mind cannot compartmentalise awareness  – it permeates all the compartments the mind can think of and yet it is none of it. It can never be lost or found. And, ultimately, it cannot really be spoken of, just maybe pointed to.  I think I still had this subliminal belief that once the Truth is realised, there wouldn’t be suffering. I am starting to doubt it now. Currently my view is that absolutely anything, including what interpreted as suffering, can arise but it in no way affects the Truth. The Truth doesn’t “care”/”not care” about the character/world and its woes at all. Further…