Thank you, Jed.
The below is maybe over 200 words, my apologies. And I would be very grateful for your thoughts/suggestions (if any) - thank you in advance.
When I follow your suggestion, all that is there is this silent, dark, still emptiness (that’s the only way I can describe it). Then thoughts pop up and disappear. There is still this sense that “something” is aware of this “darkness”. When I investigate further, this “something” is just a sensation somewhere in the head area. And when thought isn’t there, nothing is there at all. It’s not like the world disappears visually or sensations/noises stop but when labelling isn’t there nothing (even not the darkness) is perceived as having any existence – it’s very difficult to explain. And then thought comes back and the story “I perceived this and this” comes back and fills in the gap.
These flips are soooo frustrating. There is such complete peace when nothing is there at all. And yet the thought comes back and the story comes back and the agitation comes back and then another thought says “I do not like this! I want to disappear once and for all!” It’s like the labelling disappears and then comes back and then there is a story saying that “coming back” is somehow not ok.
I have sense that, as you said, it has to sink in but this somehow revives the search because “If I am patient it will happen” type of thoughts come in and there is a “waiting” for something to happen but then there is a thought “nothing will happen”. It’s like there is hope and then no hope and then moments of clarity beyond hope/no hope. And when hope turns into no hope I just go “f”ck this!” and dive into “the world” and let go of all the spiritual thinking/books/videos. This diving in brings a relief as I no longer expect anything from the world other than experiences. But then a thought comes “but if I don’t do any investigating etc, how will THIS integrate?”.
So, basically, at the moment it goes from complete peace to complete madness and back. I guess what I want is for what has been seen/realised to integrate (or to sink in as you say) and for the search to stop, whatever the result of the stopping will be. My sense is that the integration/sinking in is happening anyways but the mind still falls into its old “searching” grooves and it’s sometimes believed and in those moment it’s painful, like a fall from grace if you will. Further…