Anyways, I type all that knowing full well there's no question in it, no call out for direction, which is I suppose the point of this forum. Except...
That old synchronicity thing. Typing here seems to be doing something. In my previous post I asked the question, "what is it that wants to die?" - and, again, within a few minutes of nonchalant clicking I landed on a youtube video of some of your words that answered that exact question.
So writing/expressing/asking seems to have some sort of magical quality, whether the answers are received directly or not. Indeed, they're probably even more well-suited and relevant when received 'indirectly', right? No pesky human mind filter to get in the way. Just Life/The Universe/Whatever It Is providing what's needed.
So...
I feel like I want to give up. I've tried pretty hard and done a lot of extreme things and I've reached something of an end point. I'm six thousand miles from 'home'. Been living on the edge, one day at a time, for nearly two years now. It's enough.
And, naturally, I write all that knowing the irony of "giving up" being kind of the point (ie,
a good thing) and all these extremes and austerities probably not being the way anyway.
I don't know if I have any questions right now. Mostly my mind's focussed on the question of how to cross an ocean and get back 'home' with a unusable (water-damaged) passport. Truth-realization can wait a bit. ;-)
Mostly I wonder if there's resonance here. Seek, I suppose, some encouragement that this is all par for the course.
Also to wonder: why is it I can no longer do barely
anything that falls short of some ideal of 'purity' (not mine). I mean, it's been many years since my body's allowed me to put any sort of intoxicant in it, but - goddamn - seems like these days I can't even
think a 'wrong thought' without it almost immediately coming back and biting me in the ass. Can't eat potato chips. Can't watch more than a tiny bit of TV. Can't even enjoy a kiss with a girl without at least an hour of suffering for every minute of pleasure.
Who is it that wants me so pure? Or is this just something that happens when we're pointed towards some sort of 'Truth-Realization'?
There. That's a question. Thanks Jed.
And The Universe, of course, which seems to be listening in too.