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notwriting

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notwriting
« on: July 16, 2015, 12:10:47 pm »
Where I'm at, in 250 words (or less):

Left home 17 seeking happiness. Tried work, money, women, drink, drugs, and then travel. Found beauty and kindness, sorted myself out (psychologically and emotionally) (for the most part) and, through an uncanny series of synchronicities, ended up with 'spiritual people' and having some 'spiritual experiences' (God, oneness, soul, etc) (having been devout atheist till then). Practiced lots, read all the books, studied with shamans, faith healers, gurus, etc. Much Vipassana and (substance-free) vision quests (ie, 28 days alone up a mountain with zero distraction). Also living sadhu-like on faith/providence, etcetera. Tons of peace and bliss and all that jazz (before life pointed towards grounding and a period of 'human experience' development).

Now I'm 39. Been back to the world for several years (completing education, etc) and despite being 98% happy 98% of the time it wasn't enough. A series of visions took me once more overseas, on a seemingly divinely-guided journey, shedding attachments and ideas until nothing much remains. Did everything I ever wanted to. Reached a place where I didn't much care what happened to me. Had all the happiness I can stomach. Still don't know what Truth/Reality is.

Last few years have been very much about deconstruction and letting go. All that's left, really, is a trust in some unseen power that seems to know the way. That, and a notion to go once more into the wilderness – probably 40 days, at least – and allow the mind to journey to its edge, and possibly beyond.

Unless, of course, the unseen power dictates otherwise. ;-)

Any words? Other than “further”? ;-)
« Last Edit: July 16, 2015, 11:10:36 pm by notwriting »
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Jed McKenna

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2015, 03:51:56 am »
Dear Notwriting:

Welcome to our little non-forum. You are no an official non-member, but thanks to observing the 250 word limit, I have immediately granted you Pewter Card status. Some orgs had gold cards and silver cards but we are pretty basic, only pewter so far. But back to you.

Sounds to me that you have done all the good stuff and many of the things that I did in my younger years. I wouldn't dream of saying 'further' but something like "MORE!" comes to mind, but, in the alternative, you might just do nothing at all. But wait... isn't that all you have been doing? Nothing going nowhere fast in no hurry at all and finding no-thing-at-all.

Just do whatever comes to you to do, and forget about any goal or finding anything, just let it all be without any expectations. That's easier said than not done.

Love ya, Jed. 
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notwriting

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2015, 11:28:37 am »
Thanks Jed, I appreciate the response and the resonance. Seems like I've been in a stage for a while that doesn't really correspond to where my former spirit buddies are at, and that's perhaps a bit alone-making and confusing. Not so interested these days in positive thinking or the love and light aspects. Maybe those things are waiting at the end of the path - maybe not; don't seem to matter - but they don't much seem to be the path to me.

Mostly at the minute resonating with those teachers who say, man, you've got to hate the world and even your own life if you want to find "the IT".

Funny how I never heard that kind of thing when this journey began. ;-)

Anyways, what's your take on this: spent a lot of the last year kind of wanting to die, and wondering, "what is it that wants to die? why?" (Not suicidal, by the way.)

I guess it's something I can look at/allow to arise during this upcoming alone time. I feel somewhat afraid to go there. But I know I'll regret it if I don't.

Thanks again for the resonance, and especially for the invisible pewter member card. My new number one favorite possession. ;-)
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Jed McKenna

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2015, 04:02:18 am »
Time changes, things change, people and approaches change. You may end up hating this world for a while, but what would  really be the value in hating something is only an apparency, an illusion at best. You may at times hate the world as there are certainly some things that are what I call ''less  than optimal'' but what about a radical new approach.

Let the world be, just let it be and love the Truth of who and what you are. That's sounds like a better plan at the moment. Maybe a different plan tomorrow.

Love ya, Jed.
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notwriting

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2015, 10:23:50 am »
I guess by "hate the world" what I mean is that there's not really all that much in it that seems to grab me. That the non/beyond-physical is currently more interesting. And that the things of old no longer seem to satisfy.

Certainly, I've no real negative feelings towards the physical reality, or act in any hateful ways. Long time since I hurt so much as a mosquito - and even feel quite a fondness and peace towards George Bush.

But you know what I mean: that whole Hindu/Christian thing. It's been a bit of a conflict 'cos my New Age buddies are all about beauty, love, and "appreciating each and every moment." And what I see is that, for me, embracing dissatisfaction is not only more authentic, but also much more likely to lead to growth, to an enlarged sense of reality, etc.

But I digress: I went 'up the mountain' and I couldn't even last three days! Seemed like my head and my life were a mess; that the 'spiritual path' was too difficult; and that I wanted to give up, and put my energies elsewhere (wife, job, stability).

I typed that here and within a minute, through nonchalant clicking, came upon a page about a guy who did exactly that and, apparently, came, after some time, to the 'realization' he'd been looking for.

Point being: even in trying to quit, synchronicity still seems to work, and even offer hope.

Which is sort of annoying, in a laugh-out-loud kind of way. ;-)
« Last Edit: July 27, 2015, 01:58:25 pm by notwriting »
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notwriting

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2015, 10:41:18 am »
Anyways, I type all that knowing full well there's no question in it, no call out for direction, which is I suppose the point of this forum. Except...

That old synchronicity thing. Typing here seems to be doing something. In my previous post I asked the question, "what is it that wants to die?" - and, again, within a few minutes of nonchalant clicking I landed on a youtube video of some of your words that answered that exact question.

So writing/expressing/asking seems to have some sort of magical quality, whether the answers are received directly or not. Indeed, they're probably even more well-suited and relevant when received 'indirectly', right? No pesky human mind filter to get in the way. Just Life/The Universe/Whatever It Is providing what's needed.

So...

I feel like I want to give up. I've tried pretty hard and done a lot of extreme things and I've reached something of an end point. I'm six thousand miles from 'home'. Been living on the edge, one day at a time, for nearly two years now. It's enough.

And, naturally, I write all that knowing the irony of "giving up" being kind of the point (ie, a good thing) and all these extremes and austerities probably not being the way anyway.

I don't know if I have any questions right now. Mostly my mind's focussed on the question of how to cross an ocean and get back 'home' with a unusable (water-damaged) passport. Truth-realization can wait a bit. ;-)

Mostly I wonder if there's resonance here. Seek, I suppose, some encouragement that this is all par for the course.

Also to wonder: why is it I can no longer do barely anything that falls short of some ideal of 'purity' (not mine). I mean, it's been many years since my body's allowed me to put any sort of intoxicant in it, but - goddamn - seems like these days I can't even think a 'wrong thought' without it almost immediately coming back and biting me in the ass. Can't eat potato chips. Can't watch more than a tiny bit of TV. Can't even enjoy a kiss with a girl without at least an hour of suffering for every minute of pleasure.

Who is it that wants me so pure? Or is this just something that happens when we're pointed towards some sort of 'Truth-Realization'?

There. That's a question. Thanks Jed.

And The Universe, of course, which seems to be listening in too.  ;)
« Last Edit: July 27, 2015, 02:03:09 pm by notwriting »
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notwriting

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2015, 10:48:28 am »
Oops. Synchronicity got their first: I just opened an Adyashanti book that seems to answer that last question.

A tres interesante process I seem to have got myself involved in here...
« Last Edit: July 28, 2015, 08:24:17 am by notwriting »
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Jed McKenna

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2015, 01:21:43 am »
You can't enjoy a potato chip? I've been known to enjoy a number of them in succession. Not even a kiss? Whoa, kisses are better than potato chips, at least that's been my profundity for today.

Love ya, Jed.

P.S. Dark chocolate dipped pineapple chunks, now we are talking deep sinning. I'm in!
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notwriting

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #8 on: July 28, 2015, 10:00:09 am »
Yeah: sensitivity and awareness. Sucks sometimes. ;-)
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notwriting

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2015, 10:38:57 pm »
Hi Jed,

So what I've realized is I don't have much faith in your teachings; just seems like philosophical mindgames for depressed Americans to me, and the answers/advice you give not all that useful, even though you're obviously very smart.

I understand, of course, the paradox in typing that here - but what I'm thinking is, this is probably also just part of the process, right? And so it's probably best to express it rather than deny it, and keep the flow going.

Resonance?

(PS If the answer is, "yes, of course, that's fine: it's not about me, it's about you", I'd say, yeah, sure - but, also, if I'm wanting to learn how to drive I'd like to know that my instructor knows what he's talking about. N'est ce pas?)
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Jed McKenna

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #10 on: August 04, 2015, 01:31:47 am »
I wish this was as easy as teaching driving.

Love ya, Jed.
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notwriting

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #11 on: August 04, 2015, 09:15:29 am »
:-)
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notwriting

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #12 on: August 25, 2015, 03:13:28 am »
What are the ways to tell the difference between: a) being on the path to Truth-Realization; and b) being mentally unstable in a non-good way?
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Jed McKenna

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #13 on: August 25, 2015, 08:59:49 am »
No difference, a being is a being and has nothing to do with you.

Love ya, Jed.
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notwriting

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Re: notwriting
« Reply #14 on: August 25, 2015, 10:08:14 am »
I'm sorry. Let me clarify.

1. How can you/one tell the difference between: a) being on the path to Truth-Realization; and b) being mentally unstable in a non-good way?

(Note: it doesn't say, "a being", it says, "a) being...")

2. How can I tell if I'm on the path to Truth-Realization, and not just mentally unstable (in a non-good way)?

Thanks.
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