Jed,
Ok so here's where the 'depressed' ego state sets in....something makes sense to me Truth-wise, but then I struggle even more finding fulfillment in my dreamstate experiences/commitments...or at least in the previous ego-driven way, I suppose. For instance, let's talk motivations. It's amazing how much a sense of self drives our motivations. In fact, I can't (with my finite mind) comprehend what might motivate other than a selfish interest. So when the selfish interest retreats, I'm just left with zero preference, like completely unsure why I would do one thing over another. For intense, why bother to enforce bedtime with my children? Really it's no fun fighting with my oldest. All my reasons to enforce are clearly ego-based...I mean even wanting her to have good sleep habits, do well in school, be more emotionally stable than an annoying hormonal preteen etc;- it ALL stems from believing there's some "me" and "her" and that I possess some type of 'influence as a parent.' I go through motions sometimes thinking "this is bs" a lot lately. I still have the desire to contemplate "appearance of life" so I guess that's one remaining motivation.
The other night I suggested it be bedtime like we've previously agreed upon together due to her crabby morning tendencies. She said no, she wasn't tired. In that moment there was no desire to fight so I said, hey let me join you in staying awake. She was fine with that. We watched and chatted about whatever she was watching on youtube. She said she was tired 20 minutes later. She wasn't crabby the next morning. So let's say I did the opposite. Say I enforced bedtime, put up with an attitude and dealt with angry/bitter emotions as a by-product (this has been my experience plenty of times which is probably why I chose a different approach). Both scenarios, however played out, mean nothing in the big scheme of everything. The only difference is that conflict/resistance makes the dreamstate FEEL more real than ho-hum or pleasant positive interactions.....Not sure where I am going with this or if there is any place logically to go. Does it all come down to damn feelings?!
The physical feeling of 'depression' (whatever that may be -it's the best term right now to describe) sets in because, "none of these decisions ultimately matter' and whatever part of me that is remaining is having a hard time processing that.....I assume meaningless gets easier after you sit with it a while? Or maybe it doesn't so that dissonance helps slough off that part of identity that is still invested in meaning. I'm sure this depressed state is just another way I'm conflicted with something - instead of a person it might just be a belief. Those hidden belief beasts are hard for me right now! Guess I'll watch the water to see which ones float up next. Thanks for listening.
Last_ember meaningless rambles
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