Author Topic: Old newbie on hamster wheel  (Read 425 times)

Last_ember

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Old newbie on hamster wheel
« on: February 26, 2018, 09:58:13 am »
Hi Jed,

I've been stuck for a while. I feel bi-polar. I bounce back and forth between seeing the world as dual or non-dual.  I act pretty psycho and ego-driven when I see it as dual.  Busy do-er, anxious, angry, wanting to control, steer, fix my life or my own thoughts.  When I relax into non-dual being, everything feels great. Nothing is worth comparing to something 'better,' I'm content with what is and can be an unbiased observer.  Recognizing I have zero control is liberating. Maybe I enjoy this 'experience' too much, or start comparing it to memories of dual living, or become fearful I'll 'lose it'....it's hard to see what triggers dormant maya but maybe that's just a cause-effect belief I need to let go.

So what happens where "I" get bigger and find myself falling for dual thinking/beliefs? Is that a meaningless question? I mean, really, am "I" falling for anything or is it just another process of the journey I can relax into? Does my judging OR relaxing do anything - will either help further me through layers of ego?  Every time I get through one layer another one is like, "hello there!" and damn it, it's different enough that I fall for its schemes. 

Maybe I'm too hard on maya. I guess I'll try genuine appreciation for the hamster wheel.  Any other advice?

Thanks for being a sounding board

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Jed McKenna

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Re: Old newbie on hamster wheel
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2018, 10:49:37 am »
Keep on doing exactly what you are doing...
 
All good.

Love ya, Jed.

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Re: Old newbie on hamster wheel
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2018, 11:12:20 am »
Ok Jed,

I'm going to decide to allow the belief "everything that is happening around me and in me is able to support my journey."  I know this is false (as is all beliefs) but I can dupe remnants of "me" into more relaxed states so these remnants 'appear' to be more "manageable."  I can function, as needed, as a split personality conniving ways to manipulate my counterparts. Thus I am using one ego layer to eliminate another.  Once I choose a belief I can find so much evidence to support it. Remarkable.  Yet I'm sitting here almost laughing at myself knowing it's all just a big game, while yet well aware that there is no journey and there is no game.

Conscious intent vs destiny -you say we can have intentions to become a no-self yet I just cant imagine the Truth of 'me' intending anything except to dream for the fun of it.

 :) Last_ember but just a flicker


Jed McKenna

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Re: Old newbie on hamster wheel
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2018, 01:59:09 am »
You sound like you are getting the joke... great.

Love ya, Jed.

Last_ember

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Re: Old newbie on hamster wheel
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2018, 02:00:55 pm »
Jed,

Ok so here's where the 'depressed' ego state sets in....something makes sense to me Truth-wise, but then I struggle even more finding fulfillment in my dreamstate experiences/commitments...or at least in the previous ego-driven way, I suppose. For instance, let's talk motivations. It's amazing how much a sense of self drives our motivations. In fact, I can't (with my finite mind) comprehend what might motivate other than a selfish interest. So when the selfish interest retreats, I'm just left with zero preference, like completely unsure why I would do one thing over another. For intense, why bother to enforce bedtime with my children?  Really it's no fun fighting with my oldest. All my reasons to enforce are clearly ego-based...I mean even wanting her to have good sleep habits, do well in school, be more emotionally stable than an annoying hormonal preteen etc;- it ALL stems from believing there's some  "me" and "her" and that I possess some type of 'influence as a parent.' I go through motions sometimes thinking "this is bs" a lot lately. I still have the desire to contemplate "appearance of life" so I guess that's one remaining motivation.

The other night I suggested it be bedtime like we've previously agreed upon together due to her crabby morning tendencies. She said no, she wasn't tired. In that moment there was no desire to fight so I said, hey let me join you in staying awake. She was fine with that. We watched and chatted about whatever she was watching on youtube. She said she was tired 20 minutes later. She wasn't crabby the next morning.  So let's say I did the opposite. Say I enforced bedtime, put up with an attitude and dealt with angry/bitter emotions as a by-product (this has been my experience plenty of times which is probably why I chose a different approach). Both scenarios, however played out, mean nothing in the big scheme of everything. The only difference is that conflict/resistance makes the dreamstate FEEL more real than ho-hum or pleasant positive interactions.....Not sure where I am going with this or if there is any place logically to go.  Does it all come down to damn feelings?!

The physical feeling of 'depression' (whatever that may be -it's the best term right now to describe) sets in because, "none of these decisions ultimately matter' and whatever part of me that is remaining is having a hard time processing that.....I assume meaningless gets easier after you sit with it a while? Or maybe it doesn't so that dissonance helps slough off that part of identity that is still invested in meaning. I'm sure this depressed state is just another way I'm conflicted with something - instead of a person it might just be a belief. Those hidden belief beasts are hard for me right now!  Guess I'll watch the water to see which ones float up next. Thanks for listening.

Last_ember meaningless rambles

Jed McKenna

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Re: Old newbie on hamster wheel
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2018, 10:50:50 pm »
A good deal of the Series is devoted to understanding what feelings are, where they come from, what their purpose is and why they are so much less important than one tends to think they are. Sounds to me like you are doing just fine in sorting things out. Perhaps keep your post a little shorter next time. Good for your thinking and good for my work load.

Love ya, Jed.

Last_ember

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Re: Old newbie on hamster wheel
« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2018, 10:04:52 am »
Sorry Jed,

Totally forgot about the 200 word request. Less is always more, Truth! :)  I'll dive in to some reading today. The Series is all I can read the past few years. Like you've said before, once you read "you" can never be the same so I find other readings to be pretty unhelpful.  Yes I often observe I get stuck with temporal feelings and thoughts. They are the glue that holds Maya together, right. The action plan is to practice awareness and somehow to remind myself when I forget... ???

Thanks!
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Jed McKenna

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Re: Old newbie on hamster wheel
« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2018, 10:33:15 am »
Who is reminding whom.. or what?

Love ya, Jed.

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Re: Old newbie on hamster wheel
« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2018, 09:50:46 am »
Jed,

I tried to find an answer...but no one answered when I knocked!

I'm sorting through a maya layer of "something vs nothing."  It's quite fascinating. (My new action plan: when something is confusing, be fascinated and grateful!).  Here I use another functioning ego-layer (logic) to deduce that perception of full/empty is the only criteria for a judgment about either one.
A full bank account ---> good
An empty cancer scan  ----> good
An empty tank of gas ----> bad
A full criminal record ----> bad

I'm getting ok with the idea of being nothing, which means releasing a lot of thoughts and beliefs about 'nothing.'  Also realizing now that if something sounds like a contradiction it probably is true.  Thanks!

Last-ember contently dwindling.

Jed McKenna

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Re: Old newbie on hamster wheel
« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2018, 03:18:06 am »
All good realizations... can you let them go too....???


Love ya, Jed.

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Re: Old newbie on hamster wheel
« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2018, 11:11:35 am »
Hi Jed,

Yes. Letting go of the finite is freeing up space to just be.  I can let it all come and go. Once you realize truth the "realizing" is no longer needed, I guess.  :o Oh and another thought - once I let go of what I think I am, I'm aware that I am be tempted to latch onto something else that can be contained by word description or function.  Basically, and correct me if I'm wrong, the journey to T/R is like "thinking outside the box" when there appears to be a series of boxes....until you understand there never was any box in the first place? 8)

Love ya
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Jed McKenna

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Re: Old newbie on hamster wheel
« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2018, 03:19:21 am »
Good description, now, less talk and more ... non-action.

Love ya, Jed.