INVISIBLE GURU FORUM

Dear Jed,

I was struk by the conversation you have with biisuto. Your reply "let's cut to the chase.. you know because i am you" made a fire burn. No more hiding, no more beating around the bush. I want to "come out". I know what this is about, i KNOW. I am so tired of going on the way i have been doing up till now. It is living life in futility. I want to scream and be angry, violent even to destroy that which keeps me small. But i know its ME. It's me that keeps me small and there is no one that i can blame. There is no solution in waiting, in compromising. I know that writing this to you won't help in the sense that i can tham wait for your help. It's like it's now or never. I have to speak out.

2 years ago you replied on my first and only post. "No one knows when the nickle will fall into the slot. Just keep doing what you're doing". That was encouraging. I kept doing SA for a little while, visit my teacher in Holland. And gradually i fell asleep again. And now reading your conversation with Pink Mist gave me a jolt.. I do not want to sleep. I do not want to spend my life in futility. I want to be clearly awake! Do you hear me? My god i am angry. And sad. But that doesn't matter. I do not want to be distracted with any of the personal stuff that is coming up. Voices now start chattering about how stupid it all is what i write. I know everything the voices are saying, i have heard them say over and over again what they say. They did not help one bit. They are the distraction!! My god why am i writing all this to you. What do i expect from you Jed. I know this outpouring is useless and will not affect in the least the Truth of who i am. I can not expect anything from this writing. I can not advance in any way. So why the *** am i writing? What do i expect?

I have been 9,5 years with my teacher and i haven't seen him in the past months. I felt sick with the authority i had given him. He then told me to not put my authority in him but neither in me. It felt like a relief and it felt true. But now i don't know what it means. And i know it to be meaningless. Whatever one says or whatever can be thought is childish in the light of truth. Truth has no authority. Truth has no sangha, truth has no voice, truth does not invite someone in, truth is.. I can nbot write what truth is and i do not know what to write to you Jed because jou Know. And i am you.

Now a voice says Yeah but in Jed it is realized and in you it is not, in you it is not solid. I know there is no truth in the voice or in any voice, text, guru. I know. How do i end this? How to come out clear i want to ask to myself? What do i expect from you who is me? Why do i keep talking to myself? What do i expect?

Dear Jed,

Thank you for writing back and your sobering answer. I will give it a try. Feel more relaxed already.

Love ya, Matthijs

I get it. Waking up is not relating to a guru with reference to waking up. Waking up is seeing the makyo Matthijs who has been seeking outside confirmation  and moving on. What’s next?

Dear Jed, the undoing of everything i valued and held onto has really started. It is clear now that there is no outside authority I can refer to, not even in a zillionst of a second. There are no places, relationships, beliefs that I want to exclude from this undoing. I feel I am on my own. Still I feel true support from the “matrix” you created. Your pointing in direct conversation, in your books, rants. True in the sense that it doesn’t bind me and catalyzes the undoing. I am very grateful for that. Look forward to the next catalyzing move.. 

Mat

It scares me **** but i know there's no other way. Bring it on